BK99

After a Decade on Adderall, I’m 30 Days Clean

212 posts in this topic

"This too shall pass." And when it does, you can look back and begin to know, without a shadow of a doubt, that those feelings of hopelessness are a lie. 

Sorry to hear it's been tough. Just hang on. 

15 hours ago, BK99 said:

Day 74 - Dear God am I self-loathing today. I miss the stimulants. I couldn’t get out of bed today. The PAWS is too much. Today has been terrible.

 

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Thank you hyper_critical. Today is no different from yesterday. I can’t get out of bed. I got calls for 2 different job interviews and I can’t even muster the energy to call them back. These past few days have been some of the worst since quitting. I just thought it was supposed to get easier...

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20 hours ago, BK99 said:

Thank you hyper_critical. Today is no different from yesterday. I can’t get out of bed. I got calls for 2 different job interviews and I can’t even muster the energy to call them back. These past few days have been some of the worst since quitting. I just thought it was supposed to get easier...

It will get easier however don’t expect any sudden reward or change in how you feel. It took until I was past 6mo to even begin to think about functioning somewhat normally and even now I have some low days after 1.5yrs. 

Key to my health and sanity for me has been to exercise whenever I can for as long as I can even if it means 15min on an exercise machine and then a nice warm shower. It will give you a sense of accomplishment and wellbeing to have even got yourself to go. Also set daily goals even if that is simple as doing a load of laundry or getting to the grocery store. Proving to yourself that you can do these things will slowly build into bigger accomplishments and help you feel better.  

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Day 78 - I’m happy to report that I am coming close to surpassing my first attempt to quit Adderall last year. (about 100 days)

I’ve let so many things slide in terms of my business, house work, and even my hobbies. Getting off of this damn drug for good is all I want. I’m okay with letting “important” things slide for awhile. Wiping my hands clean of this drug is by far the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.

I hated the days of harassing my doctor’s office for a new refill, waiting at the pharmacy to have it filled, being treated less than human by pharmacists....and just the draining aspect of how long it took to fill scripts and “rationing” my pills each month. 

While I spend a portion of my days still in bed doing the Netflix and chill thing, I can at least say I’m not spending the ENTIRE day in bed, which is what I used to do when I ran out of my pills somewhere in the third week.

I’ve also completely weened myself off of the WellButrin. Damn, it feels good to not dig into my purse each morning to pop a pill.

Today has been a good day...

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hi, i am reading your posts and want to say congrats on your continued journey of quitting adderall! I really appreciate you sharing this and, as someone who is at 10-day sober mark, it is uplifting to read about someone else who is farther along. Thank you!

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kmc,

Thank you! I’m sorry if some of the days are very depressing. I’m trying to be as honest as possible. The other day was really uplifting for me. I received a peek into the future for what most days will look like if I continue on this path. I’m having a tough day today, but trying to trudge through! 

I encourage you to pop in with some daily thoughts on your thread. I’d love to see others post more about their daily journey!

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Will do for sure!! Thanks for the encouragement to keep updating, and you too! In this together! Stay strong and stay optimistic that there is truly a light on the other side.

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Day 84 - I made the mistake of jumping on the scale and I’ve gained another 6 pounds. This feeling of disgust has put thoughts in my head this morning of calling another pdoc to get back on Adderall.

The ravenous appetite since quitting has gotten really old and the constant weight gain is upsetting to me. I work out every day, but I know I’m overeating. I hope I’m not replacing an Adderall addiction for a food addiction. 

Then I sit here thinking about how one of my close friends has stage 4 cancer and probably WISHES he has an appetite. It makes me feel like a pile of turds.

This too shall pass...hopefully.

 

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It will pass. I remember being in the stage you are in.  your appetite will go back to normal slowly the longer you stay away from the drug. It just takes time.  That’s why you should not go back. You don’t want to have to go through this all over again. You’re doing great. Working out everyday is a major accomplishment.  you should be proud.  Keep it up. It will pay off.   

I gained total of about 10-12 lbs net since I quit. I’ve been off for two years now after taking them for twelve.. I’m not super skinny anymore. I have to watch my weight like regular non addy people now. But My appetite is not out of control anymore. a little bit of weight gain is worth it to have an adderall free life.  So keep doing what you are doing.  And remember that some people gain weight at first and then lose it all after being off for a while.

(Btw one thing that helped me when I was super hungry all the time was to eat a lot of high fiber foods because it helps you stay full longer because of all the bulk.  Like prunes, oatmeal, veggies and stuff like that.)

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Subtracterall,

Was the weight gain all in the first three months?

You’re right. I don’t want to go through this bedridden, unmotivated hell all over again. I’d be lying if I said these past 3 months haven’t felt like 3 years. Time is moving so damn slowly now....

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Yes I probably gained about ten pounds in the first three months. I gained approx 15 pounds total but then lost five after my appetite went back to normal.  I think it took about a year or so but it’s different for everybody. 

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8 hours ago, Subtracterall said:

Yes I probably gained about ten pounds in the first three months. I gained approx 15 pounds total but then lost five after my appetite went back to normal.  I think it took about a year or so but it’s different for everybody. 

That is almost exactly how my post Adderall weight gain played out.  I had to buy some new pants during the first year of recovery that I haven't needed since then.  I quit Adderall and cigs at the same time and gained about 15 pounds.  Within two years, I weighed less than I did at the time of quitting.  It's just part of the recovery process.

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I gained 30lbs in 2-3 months post quit and have lost 10lbs of it since then. I also quit nicotine so that might be why I put so much on. Just this week I’ve been struggling with the weight issue myself. I’ve made many good changes to my diet and exercise but I’ve been stuck at the same weight for 3-4 months. It’s easy to start thinking “I’ll never get this weight off...”. I hate seeing pictures of my thin, athletic looking self and it sucks not being able to wear most of my nice clothes. 

I’m sure weight gain has ended many people’s attempts to quit Adderall. It’s a dangerous psychological trap. Even 9 months clean, Adderall sometimes pops into my head as a solution to my weight problem and I have to squash the idea.

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16 minutes ago, DrewK15 said:

I gained 30lbs in 2-3 months post quit and have lost 10lbs of it since then. I also quit nicotine so that might be why I put so much on. 

Hats off for quitting nicotine something I’ve yet to accomplish. I haven’t actually smoked for about 6 years but I vape constantly like I’m some hipster. I definitely dont do it to be cool sort of hate the crowd it puts me in but it sure works I don’t crave cigarettes at all they taste like crap after I got used to vape. I tried to quit vaping went to 0mg for a week but went right back to my 6mg. I don’t really think it has bad side effects I can run just fine never seem to run out of breath unless I’m doing something extreme which would make most anyone need a breather. I do feel the vaping did keep my appetite in check sure would be a little harder without. I’m not endorsing vaping but if you must choose to use nicotine by far it’s no contest between vaping and smoking which is healthier. It’s just hard for me to quit nicotine since I don’t hardly drink, strict diet, work out daily it’s like I need some sort of relief. I’ll give quitting another shot someday vaping gets pretty costly waste of money. 

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re: husbands weight

"back in the day" marathon training weight: 165

pre adderall weight :  170-175

weight at time of quit after 11 years on adderall:  190-200

weight after first few months of quit:  230

weight after appetite leveled out but not exercising: 195-200

weight after several months of keto diet: 175

weight after adding exercise to keto diet: 165

current maintenance weight with normal diet and exercise:  168-170

 

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I’ve had a similar weight history

pre adderall 165

weight at time of quit 150 

weight now at almost two years clean 200 

I’m six foot three so 200 isn’t a bad weight. I look the healthiest I’ve been. I’ve lifted weights for ten years so I have a solid muscular frame. Just don’t have the six pack I had pre adderall but my shoulders and arms are way more developed. Working in getting down to 185 that’s where I’ll see a solid six pack. 

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Day 90 - Spiked a 102 fever last night and I’ve been in bed ever since. It’s nice to be in bed for something not related to Adderall.

I’m getting pretty annoyed with my husband. I don’t think he realizes my struggles with this and thinks I should be like new by now. It’s only been 3 months, and he thinks I should be jumping hurdles at this point..very frustrating.

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@BK99 I understand how you feel. My dad was like “it’s out of your system in two weeks you should be fine” they have no clue what we’re going through. 

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At 3 years couple months I have motivational issues. I guess people who don’t know they just think it’s bs excuse to be lazy. Yet when I worked 24/7 doing nonstop projects people I guess believed I was doing it all naturally? I absolutely hate being lazy why it was so hard to quit. No matter how much better I’ve gotten I’m still my harshest critique and sometimes can be a very bad thing. I always expect more and to this day not happy with my daily output which i know is still below my range pre adderall. The only time I really felt satisfied was when I worked nonstop no sleep and got a lot of shit done. But know that’s not something I could continue doing and live long why I had to quit plus I was scatterbrained and had huge mood swings ready to argue with anyone over nothing at all times. . 

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Day 92 - It turns out my fever actually is something. I was diagnosed with pneumonia yesterday. Yuck. Trying to be even more kind to myself because of this...

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On 2/19/2019 at 7:54 PM, Frank B said:

At 3 years couple months I have motivational issues. I guess people who don’t know they just think it’s bs excuse to be lazy. Yet when I worked 24/7 doing nonstop projects people I guess believed I was doing it all naturally? I absolutely hate being lazy why it was so hard to quit. No matter how much better I’ve gotten I’m still my harshest critique and sometimes can be a very bad thing. I always expect more and to this day not happy with my daily output which i know is still below my range pre adderall. The only time I really felt satisfied was when I worked nonstop no sleep and got a lot of shit done. But know that’s not something I could continue doing and live long why I had to quit plus I was scatterbrained and had huge mood swings ready to argue with anyone over nothing at all times. . 

Working my way towards 2yrs and motivation is huge issue for me as well. I am pretty good about getting up and going in the morning however my energy and interest in “doing more” fades in early afternoon. On days where I give myself no choice but to work a long day I find myself very fatigued and mentally drained by the evening.

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Day 94 - still sick with pneumonia but looking forward to getting to day 100. I’m wondering when others started to feel like a functioning human being in the recovery process? 

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First things first @BK99, I’m sure you’ll feel better when you get over the pneumonia. 

I think around 100 days is a good time to start pushing yourself a little bit. Just do a little bit more than you did the day before. Feeling like you are ‘functional’ happens slowly one step at a time. 

Take some deep breaths. Adderall trains our minds to do and expect everything right now. You should feel less rushed the further along you get into recovery. At 10 months I’m just now interviewing for jobs again. Even though it took a while, I don’t feel like it took too long. I’m just glad to be at this point. If you stick with it I’m sure you’ll feel the same someday.

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Day 96 - I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Monday mornings seem to be the toughest time for cravings. I used to love waking up early, popping some Addies and cleaning my entire workspace.

My current workspace is a complete sh*tshow right now. I cannot walk into my office without cringing. The only thing I do in my office right now is play the piano for a few minutes here and there. It’s music in a terrible, messy atmosphere. I loved cleaning on Adderall. Cleaning without Adderall, imo, is the most excruciatingly painful activity there is.

My pneumonia seems to be dwindling away...so yay for that.

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@BK99  We communicated earlier in this thread and I came back on today for some emotional support.  I was glad to see you were still active here and congrats on almost hitting your century mark.

Today is 110 days clean and I feel as horrible as ever.  i've had no relief and am completely terrified that my brain will never begin producing dopamine again.  I was abusing adderall for approximately 4 years but never taking more than 30 mgs a day at its worst and I never snorted or smoked it or anything like that.  But my depression is (and has been over the last 3 months) a 10 out of 10.  I find the mornings and daytime to be the worst with a little relief at night.  I can't complete even the simplest of tasks and am letting my life completely fall apart around me.  

 

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