BK99

After a Decade on Adderall, I’m 30 Days Clean

211 posts in this topic

DC,

All I can tell you is I am right there with you. I haven’t been able to lift myself out of bed these past two days. My depression is also a 10/10. I am also letting my life fall apart it seems. 

I don’t know how many people here are dual addicts, but I am also an alcoholic. I had 3 years of sobriety under my belt before relapsing last month. On Monday night I got completely shattered and I’m at a loss. I had several online conversations with friends that I cannot even bring myself to look back at.

I’m having a very, very tough week. All I can say is that I am in the same boat of hopelessness. I’m scared that I will always be replacing one addiction for the next.

 

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@BK99 I'm sure you already know from my other posts, but I'm also an alcoholic. Poly-addiction involving Adderall seems to be pretty common, there are many of us on these forums.

It sounds like you are feeling lonely and alienated by people who don't understand what you are going through. I don't know how you feel about support groups, but I think going to some AA, NA, etc. meetings might help you feel better. There is something special about immersing yourself in an empathetic environment with other people who know something about what you are going through. You don't even have to say anything or talk to anyone. I'm not a 12-stepper, but I've learned some awesome things about recovery in support groups. 

I feel for you so much and hope you continue to fight for your future. 

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Thank you for the post, Drew. I am definitely a fan of going to AA and desperately need to start going again. Some meetings are terrible, some so-so, and others have been life-changing. I am not a 12 stepper either, but I usually pick up something valuable from the meetings.

I have just been so focused on kicking the Adderall, that I’ve neglected any and all attention on my alcohol recovery.

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I recently graduated from an IOP program that I somehow managed to show up to everyday.  But once the anhedonia set in, I got very little out of it.  My normal self is really great in group settings and would normally get a lot out of these meetings or NA/AA.  But all it did was make me super anxious and feel worse about myself.   I actually get more comfort out of reading and writing on this forum then in the IOP program because I believe coming off of adderall is something so specific.  I feel like I had nothing in common with a majority of people with other "primaries"- be it alcohol or opiates and other things.  No one else had nearly the level of anhedonia I was experiencing and it made it hard for me to connect.  

My anhedonia is so bad that I don't really have cravings to drink, smoke pot or even take an addy.  It's like I don't even recognize that I am in recovery or can even remotely work on myself "as addict" because the depression is just so all-consuming.  Also, regarding weight gain, I am having the opposite problem.  I am losing weight because I can barely get myself to eat.  Showering, getting dressed - all of these things are difficult for me.  

I have a loving and supportive wife, two young children and a loving family.  I need to keep muddling through for them.  I did go to the gym today because I am really trying.  I am 111 days sober and feel absolutely horrible.   Just not sure how much more of this I can take.  It is so fucking pathetic. 

@BK99  Wellburtin didn't help at all?  I am really considering it because it has a little bit of stimulant - i am hoping that can help get the motor going?  I feel you on just wanting to get off all drugs though.  They put my on cyprexa which is a super strong mood stabilizer, but I asked to be tapered off which I am almost finished with. 

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DC,

I agree about getting more comfort here when it comes to Adderall. I’ve never been to an N/A meeting for the exact reasons you stated. I don’t think I would fit in because Adderall is very specific.

As far as the WellButrin goes, I’ve actually been wondering if I did the wrong thing coming off of it. I know it’s not an addictive drug, but I just have this desire to rid my body of anything foreign. Why didn’t you like Cyprexa?

Good job on the gym. It’s been a few days for me. We are lucky to have a supportive family and this forum. Writing about this today really helped me. I appreciate you reaching out....

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Day 99 - I’m definitely at an all-time low this week. I cannot pull myself out of bed because depression has got the best of me. I have bills up to my eyeballs, and I’m starting to drown financially because I feel too crippled to work. This drug has done such a number on me. I feel like I will never recover...

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I am right there with you BK... Same for me today as yesterday and basically everyday since quitting.  I am giving myself 2 hours and then I am going to force myself to do some small errands - the smallest things are so difficult and it's so terrifying.  I am sorry you are going through this as well - I just had no idea how badly I was ruining my brain. This drug ruined my life and : over 100 days clean and no positive signs anywhere in site.   

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The fact that small tasks are excruciatingly painful terrifies me. I really did a number on my brain as well and I worry that this depression will get even worse.

The thought of going through the whole process of finding another therapist is so daunting for me. I find most therapists want you to talk at them. This provides no relief to me. The last therapist I saw made me feel worse about myself after seeing him. I just wish I could find strength somewhere. I thought this would become easier, but I’m aftaid to say things have just gotten worse.

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Yep - the thought of therapy does nothing for me because I have nothing to say - literally nothing.  And I've been in therapy on and off in my life and never had a problem talking talking talking.  Now I can't even talk.  Like I was saying yesterday, I was in this wonderful rehab program and just sat there like a deer in headlights everyday.  

Listen BK - we have to push through and fight.  For our families and loved ones.  Our brains will heal - we can't give up.  At 2:00 (1 hour and 15 minutes) I am going to run some errands.  Let's check back in one hour and see if we can motivate each other to complete one task... 

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@DC011381 @BK99

this may not be any consolation necessarily, but what you're feeling at ~3 and half months is actually pretty normal. the first several months are the hardest. perhaps even up to a year. at this point now, you should trust in those of us who have a few years under our belt - it absolutely gets better with time. i know some of us still struggle occasionally with brief relapses, and it's not always rainbows and butterflies, but i think i can speak for most of us in saying that where we are now is still VASTLY better than where we were in our first years.

as i've mentioned in other posts, i do believe Wellbutrin was highly effective in my recovery, but i can understand the hesitance as it is somewhat of a stimulant itself. but it is certainly not Adderall, nor is it something that has a "kick" to it. it's not worth avoiding if the short-term result is financial or professional ruin.

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@sleepystupid thanks for the encouragement - really appreciate it.  The timeline is really daunting but all of our lives are worth it... It's going to be a long year :(

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100 days - Happy 100 Days of being Adderall free. Only 265 days until I feel slightly normal again. :blink::P

@sleepystupid Thank you for reminding us this is normal. 

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Today I am feeling so deflated. I think I’ve watched every title on Netflix worth watching. Sedentary activities are all I can bring myself to do. What else is there to do? I don’t really know if I can handle 8 more months of this. I know I’m whiny, but all of this is just pure torture. It’s starting to feel like a nightmare I can’t wake up from. :(

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Try to go for a walk or jog or lift weights. You can do it even if it’s just 30 minutes or an hour a day. That was literally the only thing I did all day for like six months. The other 23 hours I was sleeping, eating or Netflix. 

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Over at the Waffle House by myself eating breakfast trying to calm my nerves. Been reading this thread and so much of what I read reminds me of myself the first 3 months. Sometimes I felt like I was getting worse. I totally understand what you all are going through. The challenges we go through are almost unbearable. Almost. Never in my life did I think I would have to endure so much anxiety depression  anhedonia shame embarrassment and regret. But I’m still here, fighting, moving forward. 

Well anyway slowly felling better at about 8 months out. So much so that I start my job again Monday that I quit 8 months ago. Now I’m second quessing myself cause the stress is making me nervous. I have a terrible internal monologue sometimes.But I know I’m too well now that I have to press forward.

I have gratitude for everyone for sharing there feelings and fears. It makes me feel not alone and gives me strength. I admire your courage to overcome no matter what stage your at. We’re all going to be warriors when this is all done . Pray for me as I pray for you then someday will say we got through this together.

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@Mark S. Congrats on 8 months and it sounds like you've made significant progress.  I woke up at 2 this morning and couldnt fall back asleep.  I feel like I am so incredibly fucked.  But must fight on - wife and kids and loving family and friends - must fight on... 

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Yes after the first 2,3 months I have made progress. I feel hopeful for the future. When you have hope you fight better. The opposite of hope whatever that word is , is what makes the beginning so hard. You just feel so defeated . 

Just keep doing what doing. Everyone recovers a little differently . What help me a lot was reading the threads multiple times.   There is a progression . Someone at 3 months will have a different state of mind than someone at 6 months or 1 year or 2 years,etc Unfortunately you can’t speed up the process. If there was a short cut I’d tell you. I been looking. But reading the threads will help, there’s good advice in there from people at various stages of healing and from people who have recovered.

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Also I became hooked on listening to Tony Robbins on you tube. There are a lot of self help coaches but I found him most inspirational and practical. 

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@SeanW - I’m so glad to hear that getting up to go for a jog was pretty much all you could do in the first 6 months. Now I don’t feel so pathetic. If this were a more physical illness, no one would question me. Because it’s amphetamine recovery, people have started to wonder why I have gone AWOL. How far along are you now and what do your days look like?

@Mark S - I’m happy to hear you are back to work after 8 months...and I’m happy you find strength in these threads. There are times I feel hesitant to post because I feel so whiny but it’s what I’m feeling at the time. Writing it down almost always makes me feel better.

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I read all the posts and I’m not critical of anybody who wrights. If it’s helpful writing about it do it,that’s one of the purposes of the blog. And your helping others who are feeling the same way by sharing similar experiences.

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Day 101 - I’ve rediscovered my love for sugar free Red Bull. I know it’s not the healthiest, but I find it takes the edge off some days.

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4 hours ago, BK99 said:

Day 101 - I’ve rediscovered my love for sugar free Red Bull. I know it’s not the healthiest, but I find it takes the edge off some days.

SUGAR FREE REDBULL !!!  I discovered it shortly after quitting and began buying it by the case at Cosco.  Sometimes I like to slam an entire can like a shot.  Sometimes I mix it with Vodka and grapefruit juice, and sometimes I just drink it like a normal beverage.  

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I’m focusing on a positive for today - I am a musician. Whenever I get the motivation to play for 10 minutes here and there post Adderall, my execution has been stronger and smoother. When I was on Adderall, some amount of anxiety would always be present....and 9 times out of 10, I would have the Adderall jitters while playing. Even though the anhedonia sucks right now, I’m loving the fact that I can play the piano and drums without my hands trembling like a tweeker.

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Day 102 - Feel like crap today..I don’t think I can even bring myself to the gym today. It’s a TV in bed all day sort of day. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. -_-

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2 hours ago, BK99 said:

Day 102 - Feel like crap today..I don’t think I can even bring myself to the gym today. It’s a TV in bed all day sort of day. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. -_-

That's perfectly okay! It's wet and cold and rainy here today which makes me want to do the exact same thing. So we'll be TV buddies haha. You're right - tomorrow hopefully will be better!

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