BK99

After a Decade on Adderall, I’m 30 Days Clean

188 posts in this topic

Thanks for the check-in, Jason! Thank God for Netflix, Hulu, and Prime. I can usually find something worth watching. I feel like my choices have been slimming down since quitting Adderall because I have watched soooooo much TV these past 4 months, it’s insane.

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3 minutes ago, BK99 said:

Thanks for the check-in, Jason! Thank God for Netflix, Hulu, and Prime. I can usually find something worth watching. I feel like my choices have been slimming down since quitting Adderall because I have watched soooooo much TV these past 4 months, it’s insane.

It's probably off topic.... but I definitely feel as though there should be a "what to watch" thread happening for all of us that only feel like watching TV hahah. I, for one, am thoroughly enjoying the Umbrella Academy on Netflix, but I know that's not everybody's cup of tea 

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At day 102, do you feel somewhat better than you did in the earlier stages of withdrawal or about the same? What has helped you the most to stay motivated and cope with these side effects? 

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1 hour ago, Socially awkward said:

At day 102, do you feel somewhat better than you did in the earlier stages of withdrawal or about the same? What has helped you the most to stay motivated and cope with these side effects? 

I don’t feel as bad as day 5, but I hate to say I feel no different than say, day 40 or day 50 and it really sucks. I’m having a really hard time staying motivated as I am self-loathing most days. The only thing that has helped me cope is being self-employed and having no kids. I don’t really have to get out of bed each day.

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Day 105 - Just another day and yippee-ay-yoh-cayay I feel like crap. I ran a mile this morning and I have an interview tomorrow that I will probably crap can. 

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Day 109 - I went to my interview the other day and I’m thinking I didn’t get the job. This is a relief because I don’t think I am anywhere close to being able to handle the demands of this kind of job yet.

I like Sundays, because it’s always been a lazy sloth kind of day even when I was on Adderall. I usually didn’t take pills on Sunday.

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On 2/13/2019 at 9:58 PM, DrewK15 said:

I gained 30lbs in 2-3 months post quit and have lost 10lbs of it since then. I also quit nicotine so that might be why I put so much on. Just this week I’ve been struggling with the weight issue myself. I’ve made many good changes to my diet and exercise but I’ve been stuck at the same weight for 3-4 months. It’s easy to start thinking “I’ll never get this weight off...”. I hate seeing pictures of my thin, athletic looking self and it sucks not being able to wear most of my nice clothes. 

I’m sure weight gain has ended many people’s attempts to quit Adderall. It’s a dangerous psychological trap. Even 9 months clean, Adderall sometimes pops into my head as a solution to my weight problem and I have to squash the idea.

I don't mean to hijack your thread BK99 but I found this from @DrewK15 when searching for weight gain and it helped me tonight. I'm on day 56 now and the main thing that I keep thinking about and that's making me want to relapse is my weight gain. Almost none of my clothes fit normally anymore, they're all getting tight now. It's definitely a trap but it's something I'm struggling with every time I look in the mirror. I used to weigh a healthy 180-185 and I just checked myself and now weigh 206. I'm a 24 yr old guy. I've never really been into working out or going to the gym, looking slim has just came naturally for me and I've always been self-conscious of how I looked and I'm noticing myself try to suck in my gut when I stand to keep it from poking out. I do drink, I know it's contributing to the gain but it's very difficult to handle recovery without something to ease my mind. I need to quit I know, I will try to do it soon. It is somewhat comforting to see people like @quit-once say that it's only a normal part of the recovery process.

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Jason,

No worries. You are not hijacking. I’d be lying if I said staying thin wasn’t one of the greatest aspects of taking Adderall. I loved how effortless it was to stay thin on the drug.

None of my clothes fit either. I love eating now and it sucks. I’ve put on 25+ pounds in the past year trying to quit Adderall. I’m only 5’1’’ so it’s embarrassing to present myself to people who haven’t seen me in awhile. 

I will continue busting my ass at the gym and try to make better food choices. Hopefully I will level off soon, and hopefully lose some weight. I’ll deal with the weight gain if it means getting past the hell I am in right now.

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I had 3 days in a row where I felt normal. I keep waiting for the wave to hit me but so far I’m good. I started working again last Monday which I regretted initially but it’s working out. Anxiety and depression are my closest companions and when there not here it’s kind of strange . Just wanted to say been reading your posts and not to become too discouraged. It’s a struggle to do anything at 3 months. Your main goal is to stay off the adderall. As time passes and your feeling better you’ll have the energy to loose weight. Hang in there it’ll get better 

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Mark,

When is the last time you took Adderall? I’m happy to hear you had a 3 day stretch of feeling normal. I just keep thinking about how long I’ve been off Adderall and it’s hardly any time at all! Time is moving so slowly...

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2nd week of July. First 4 months were awful. Made the most improvement this past month. I felt stuck in time too . I had to quit my job because of the panic attacks. I had a lot of alone time. Wife wasn’t happy. Kids knew something wasn’t right. A disappointment to my family and myself. Depression. Time moves slow. Lots of ruminating. Worrying about money, when can I go back to work, when will I get better, how could I be so stupid to do this to myself. 

If I was forced to give a number I would say I’m 70 to 80 percent . I still have issues but I’m functional. I’m encouraged with the trend now but not during the first stages. Stay the course. Time is the cure. It will get better. Take care of your body as best you can eventually your mind will catch up. Worry about losing your weight later. Food was about the only thing that gave me pleasure. I’m still 20 pounds heavier than last year but I’ve lost about 20 pounds the past 2 months. Keep blogging keep fighting 

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Mark,

I needed this hopeful message today, so I thank you tremendously. I have another interview this week and I’m not feeling ready. I know I need a change of scenery when it comes to work, though. I’m scared that I’m going to have many triggers at this job because I used Adderall to better my work, not get high.

I’ve just been getting a little tired of seeing posts from people that have been off Adderall for years and still feel like crap. I’m not looking for people to sugarcoat things, but seeing some of these posts has been a very, very tough pill to swallow. Thank you for the hope.

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@BK99 I want to encourage you to remember that everyone’s journey is personal and different in this recovery. There are so many factors from dosage, to duration of use, to binge abuse, to pre-existing depression, etc. that will effect “how long” this recovery takes. 

I just made a huge breakthrough the last couple weeks, right after hitting 10 months. I’ve lost 5 pounds in 2 weeks after being stuck a few months, and dare I say I am feeling more optimistic, energetic, and “normal” than I have since quitting. Your dosage and use was similar to mine, so it wouldn’t surprise me if your trajectory is similar to what I have experienced. I felt like hopeless garbage at 4 months. Keep abstaining from Adderall, stay away from alcohol and it will get better. Also, you sound better in your last few posts, keep it up.

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Thanks, Drew. I always appreciate your contributions to this thread. I think I can make it to 10 months! I think I can! I think I can! Why does 10 months seem so much better than one year? :lol:

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Day 113 - No energy. I’m having a hard time with my runs this week. It’s probably mental because I’m so damn depressed. I have another interview today. I’m going in with no expectations because I feel like utter crap today..

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Day 115 - I went on a long hike yesterday and it felt good. Today I am back to feeling like crap. I don’t think I did so well at my interview this past Thursday. My brain fog was fierce and I froze up for some of the questions. I started romanticizing about how great interviews were when I had Adderall pumping through my system. I’d be nervous, but I would slam dunk all the questions.

The scale keeps going up. I know people have said to just wait it out, but it’s tough seeing numbers on the scale that you have never seen in your lifetime. I like eating, but damn, Adderall really shot my metabolism. I hope it reverts itself at some point...

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4 hours ago, BK99 said:

Day 115 - I went on a long hike yesterday and it felt good. Today I am back to feeling like crap. I don’t think I did so well at my interview this past Thursday. My brain fog was fierce and I froze up for some of the questions. I started romanticizing about how great interviews were when I had Adderall pumping through my system. I’d be nervous, but I would slam dunk all the questions.

The scale keeps going up. I know people have said to just wait it out, but it’s tough seeing numbers on the scale that you have never seen in your lifetime. I like eating, but damn, Adderall really shot my metabolism. I hope it reverts itself at some point...

Take rhodiola rosea for interviews, stack it with l-tyrosine.  

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I am also in the same boat as you, unemployed by adderall (indirectly resulted).  It really sucks!  I have never been so bored and it takes a toll honestly on you.  You just feel like crap for being unemployed!  Keep moving my friend!  We will eventually get jobs!

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Day 116 - My energy is low, but my spirits are high today. That is all.

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Day 118 - Spirits are back in the dumps today. I’m struggling with loneliness and depression this week. I know relationships suffered on Adderall, but I feel that I am having an almost worse time connecting with people and staying connected to them off of Adderall. I have become so self conscious of everything I do and say (probably thanks to the weight gain).

I haven’t had a drink in a few weeks, but I’m really wanting one right now. AA is calling.

Being an addict really sucks.

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I’m now starting to feel comfortable around people. I’m starting to feel like the old me. It’s hard connecting with people when your anxious and depressed. I personally wanted to hide in my shell. I knew I could not hold conversations with people or work with people without anxiety. That’s why I waited 8 months before I started working again. 

The loneliness anxiety and depression we experience in recovery will make us stronger in the long run. Next year when I’m fully healthy and healed I am going to attack life with a vengeance. I’ll never forget this time in my life. I’m going to use it as rocket fuel. 

Be good to yourself. Your climbing from rock bottom. Very few people understand the suffering of rock bottom. You feel like a failure . But  a lot of successful people are driven by failures. 

The meaning I give to all the anxiety loneliness depression I had to go through was to make me stronger in the long run. These are my demons. Fighting demons is making me better. In a twisted way it’s almost like I been given a gift. I have a feeling if I had not fallen and suffered  I would have continued life in an unfocused way. I’ll never forget this time in my life. I feel like I’m becoming a warrior. Someone who crushes demons and attacks challenges. We are not defeated we are being built up

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Day 122 - Over one-third of a year I’ve been off amphetamines. Yippee!

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I just wanted to say that reading your story and all your updates has really helped me today! I have a similar story to you, same age, and have also been using adderall for about a decade as well. I was starting to abuse it, taking more than I should to get extra work done, and then sleeping all weekend/feeling like shit. I was on 20mg IR 3 times a day, but would frequently take 4, sometimes 5 if I "really needed it," averaging 80-100mg a day for many years. I'd take a few days to weeks off here and there when I didn't have to work and had the time to be a zombie. This past year I really started to worry about heart issues and brain fry and while I haven't had any medical diagnosis to scare me yet, my BP was consistently higher than normal and I knew that this just wasn't going to be sustainable. I didn't really plan to "quit," but due to a family emergency in January, I ended up having to stay near my parents for over a month and help them, which was conveniently far away from my prescribing doctor. I ran out of pills right before this emergency, and surprisingly, didn't even think about adderall while I was in the midst of this family stuff. I was running off adrenalin and emotional chaos! Which, ironically, almost feels like adderall!

It's now been a little over 2 months since i had my last pill, and i'm just now realizing what a huuuuuuuge impact this has had on my ability to be a person. I've had waves of depression and crying spells and just generally flat emptiness. bla bla bla... I can't believe how long it took me to put together the adderall withdrawal connection. I didn't truly realize how much the pills were muting my emotions and ability to really "feel" anything other than the adderall induced blind momentum in no particular direction. Essentially a race to nowhere! Sure, I was sometimes more productive, but honestly, i was mostly hyperfocusing on nonsense, and then chasing the sleep deprivation dragon for days on end. Tired because of minimal sleep, take addreall to get through day doing basic human things, feel tired but still awake, can't sleep, stay up half the night in zombie lethargy, wake up the next day feeling like shit, need adderall to function as normal person, wash rinse repeat. It was ridiculous and completely unsustainable.

This whole experience fucking sucks, but I think overall life is better without the pills. I just found this forum last night and it has made me feel soooooooo much better to realize that i'm not alone! Other people are feeling my same feelings and struggling with this too!

Anyway, I just wanted to thank you for sharing your experience! <3 <3 <3 

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