BK99

After a Decade on Adderall, I’m 30 Days Clean

231 posts in this topic

Day 127 - This week is no better or worse than most weeks. I am drained. I went hiking this past weekend and it was my highlight of the month. I’m dying to get back out there again. I’m excited that spring weather is slowly showing up here. A good vista in front of me is all I need to know that the anhedonia/Adderall hasn’t completely taken everything from me.

I love being outside and I’m so sick of the gym. Just the fact that I can enjoy hiking helps me get out of bed in the morning.

Thank you to everyone who has contributed to this thread. I’m still taking this one day at a time...

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Day 130 - If there was Adderall in front of me right now, I would most definitely take it. I’m pissed off this morning. I’m pissed that I don’t feel any relief at this point. I’m pissed that my house is a mess. I’m pissed that I feel the same way now as I did in month one. I’m pissed that I seem to be everyone else’s therapist while no one gives a f*ck how I’m doing. 

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You're going to want to punch me in the (*&^ for saying this, but I'm going on the record:

You're on the verge of a major breakout. 

Stick with it, one day at a time. This thread is amazing btw. 

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1 hour ago, hyper_critical said:

You're going to want to punch me in the (*&^ for saying this, but I'm going on the record:

You're on the verge of a major breakout. 

Stick with it, one day at a time. This thread is amazing btw. 

Thank you! Is a breakout a good thing or bad thing? 

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How often do you get the opportunity to go hiking? Seems like this is really helping your recovery as your posts always sound really positive after you have had the chance to get outdoors. 

Are there any group classes at your gym or do you have to work out on your own using the equipment? I’m struggling with energy and motivation too but I’m only day 27. I think it’s really awesome that you are managing to get to the gym 4-5 times a week and it’s made me feel a bit guilty that I’ve been so lazy in comparison.

i hope things continue to get better for you. Hopefully the change of weather will give you more opportunities for exercising outdoors :) 

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Socially awkward,

I only get to go hiking about once a week. The friends I could go with either hate hiking or they are too busy. While I’d love to go more, I avoid going solo for various reasons. Next week I may get to go a bit more which excites me. (Bottom line: I need more friends..lol)

You’re only on day 27. I think I spent most of the first month watching TV, eating, and being kind to myself while holding a great deal of depression.

I use the equipment at the gym. No group classes. I have forced myself to work out mostly every day because the last time I tried to quit I gained 40+ pounds from overeating/depression/withdrawals. I have surpassed my last attempt at quitting Adderall, and I’m 13 pounds thinner than that time. Still fat, but thinner than the last time I tried.

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@BK99 the weight gain is the biggest killer! I’ve actually had to go out and replace clothing I was comfortably wearing at the start of my trip 3 weeks ago and I’ve suddenly developed ugly white stretch marks everywhere. I did gain weight last time I quit but not at this rate. I think eating every meal at a restaurant along with complete inactivity isn’t helping much.

do you know of any groups on meet up (or similar apps) that you could join to go hiking with?  I might look into this myself along with joining HIIT classes at the gym. I’m also in the situation re: needing to make friends. My addiction has caused me to become a complete loner, partly as a result of the social anxiety it’s caused and the rest is due to me becoming a complete bitch to everyone each time I’m out of pills. 

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4 hours ago, Socially awkward said:

@BK99 the weight gain is the biggest killer! I’ve actually had to go out and replace clothing I was comfortably wearing at the start of my trip 3 weeks ago and I’ve suddenly developed ugly white stretch marks everywhere. I did gain weight last time I quit but not at this rate. I think eating every meal at a restaurant along with complete inactivity isn’t helping much.

do you know of any groups on meet up (or similar apps) that you could join to go hiking with?  I might look into this myself along with joining HIIT classes at the gym. I’m also in the situation re: needing to make friends. My addiction has caused me to become a complete loner, partly as a result of the social anxiety it’s caused and the rest is due to me becoming a complete bitch to everyone each time I’m out of pills. 

I had to buy new clothes as well. It’s tough. I actually signed up with the meetup app last week to look for hiking groups. I just haven’t acted on it yet! My addictions have caused me to be a huge loner as well. I’m naturally introverted, but like you, I have a great deal of social anxiety when dealing with people.

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Day 132 - Today is a good day. I feel pretty good. Let this sh*t continue to rain down on me!!!

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@BK99.  Yes!!!!! So happy to hear that - it gives me hope...

Been too depressed/anxious to write or contribute but I am still here with y'all :)

 

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DC, So happy to see you check in!! I’ve been thinking of you...

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Day 135 - I feel so damn lazy and it sucks. I want Adderall in the worst way. I know if I relapsed, it wouldn’t be like the early days where I would be good with 10-20mgs for the whole day. It would probably act out similar to how I relapsed on alcohol after 3 years of sobriety. My relapse involved about 14 drinks. I was f*cking hammered. I’d probably be popping 80mg of addies in no time and going through the same vicious cycle again. 

The only thing keeping me going is knowing that I cannot go through this bullsh*t again. These 5 months of being a sloth have been excruciating. I understand why so many relapse. Amphetamines are one hell of a drug.

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On 3/28/2019 at 6:51 AM, BK99 said:

I love being outside and I’m so sick of the gym. Just the fact that I can enjoy hiking helps me get out of bed in the morning

I love hiking. I walk on average six to ten, sometimes up to thirteen miles a day. I simply walk everywhere. It brings me such joy. The exercise is really good for the brain and soul. I hike in the park around the lake three times every morning. Getting up early to hike is a blessing.

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Day 138 - I walked/ran for 2 hours today, then went to the grocery store to get food for the week. Before I went into the store, I sat in my car for a solid 10 minutes daydreaming about how easy and seamless food shopping used to be when I had Adderall. Just getting to the grocery store today was such a damn struggle. It took everything out of me.

Now I am laying in bed at 3:00pm wishing I could sleep the rest of the day away because that is how I have been feeling lately. I’d rather be sleeping than dealing with the lifeless sack of a human I have become. 

I gave myself a pat on the back for not stopping at the liquor store next to the supermarket this afternoon...so at least I have that.

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Day 141 - I am almost at the 5 month mark and I don’t know how much more I can take of this.

I have spent so many days in bed because I cannot muster the energy for anything else. My spirits are low this week. :(

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BK I’m so sorry you are in the midst of this.  Give yourself permission to feel the way you do because it’s part of the recovery process and you are doing the right thing staying off of adderall. I was where you are at too at one time and it feels like it will be like this forever but it will get better.   After about twelve years of use, I’ve been off for 2 years and 3 months I can finally say that I’ve turned a corner in my recovery. And you will too.  It just takes a long time.  I’m over here pulling for you. It’s okay to rest. You need it.  Hang in there.  You can do this. 

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Yeah. I’ve been having intrusive thoughts all day about going through the process of finding another pdoc. Maybe I should just be on amphetamines for the rest of my life?

There’s so much I wish I could do right now, but my brain won’t let me. I’m in a terrible hell right now. 

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@BK99. Simply put, I am right there with you.  I just went to my first therapy appointment and was like "not sure what you can do unless you can repair my receptors and turn back on the dopamine and adrenalin."

 

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BK you have things you want to do and that sounds promising.  You can do those things later when your physical body catches up with your ambition.  

Looking back on my recovery I have a different perspective. I think that recovering from long term adderall use is similar to being in a bad car accident and should be treated as such. 

When I first got hooked on adderall my addiction was so strong I decided I would take it until death.  But I was forced to quit because of the physical side effects. Sometimes I think about what it would be like to get back on. But after reading people’s relapse experiences on this forum I know that’s a bad idea.  I don’t ever want to have to quit this stuff ever again. You have made it so far.  You should be patting yourself on the back.  

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I hope my physical body catches up soon. I’m just so tired of this. My mind has so many goals, but I cannot get out of bed. I like the analogy of being in a car crash. I’m just sick of having only one good day in a blue moon.

DC - I probably would have said something similar to a therapist. 

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Day 142 - If I hear one more person tell me I need a better routine and I won’t be so depressed, I’ll f*cking lose it. I’m so tired of people not understanding this battle. Listening would be better than giving me sh*tty advice. 

I’m grateful for these forums. I just feel so hopeless and helpless this week. :(

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@BK99 sorry to hear you are having a hard time at the moment and hope you start feeling better. Am wondering if this might be PAWS? If so, Just know that it’s temporary and won’t last. You have made an awesome achievement to already reach 142 days! I’m only at day 40 so I’m very much in awe of how far you have come! 

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Day 143 - I’m pretty sure this is all PAWS. I guess this is what happens when you’ve been feeding your face with pills for a decade.

The weekends tend to be easier because my husband is here to distract me, so that is my good news for today.

Hope everyone out there is fighting the good fight...even if it’s in the confines of your beds. I love anyone and everyone who knows what this fight is like. (143 - I love you!)

I also encourage any and all to PM me. I’m always looking for new friends. I love connecting with people who understand this fight. I’m finding it so hard to make and keep friends these days. I guess this is what your 30s are like...

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@BK99 It’s a shame I don’t live in the US as I’d love a buddy to go hiking with. Since quitting, I’ve managed to reconnect with an old friend who had to ditch me during my period of heavy speed abuse. We went on a short, yet nice beach hike today which was great for boosting endorphins. It’s true that distraction and getting outdoors is the key to a faster recovery xxx

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