BK99

After a Decade on Adderall, I’m 30 Days Clean

244 posts in this topic

Day 145 - Energy is so damn low today. My mood isn’t terrible. My Adderall cravings were off the charts this morning.

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Day 147 - Happy Hump Day, everyone! I will be hitting the 5 month mark this Saturday. I’d like to say I’m at the butterflies and unicorns stage, but I feel the same now as I did in month 2.

I could barely complete a 2 hour drive yesterday without falling asleep at the wheel. It’s so discouraging. Family is starting to “worry” about me because I’m noticeably exhausted all the time, which is sort of nice that my struggle is finally being noticed. Only my husband and one other person know that I quit amphetamines 5 months ago and this is why I feel this way.

I’m just hoping things change when I hit the year mark. I hope I don’t feel like I do now...

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Hey BK99, have you tried any antidepressants? It sounds like you're still struggling a lot... I have 58 days clean and recently went on Wellbutrin (and Lexapro... when I got out of rehab for Adderall I was suicidal). I'm on the max dose and I have no side effects because my dopamine and norepinephrine receptors are so shot. It seems to give me SOME energy, though nothing like Adderall. I'm hoping it helps more as time goes on because I just started the new dose :/

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31 minutes ago, whosthisguy said:

Hey BK99, have you tried any antidepressants? It sounds like you're still struggling a lot... I have 58 days clean and recently went on Wellbutrin (and Lexapro... when I got out of rehab for Adderall I was suicidal). I'm on the max dose and I have no side effects because my dopamine and norepinephrine receptors are so shot. It seems to give me SOME energy, though nothing like Adderall. I'm hoping it helps more as time goes on because I just started the new dose :/

I took WellButrin for a month. I was getting terrible panic attacks during that time. I’m not sure if it was related, but deep down I just want to rid myself of all drugs. I’m hoping the depression subsides in the months to come...

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I do too but I obviously didn't have a problem taking whatever drug was presented to me, so why not use some non-addictive support for an actual mental illness I've had, even before I started using. There's no reason to put myself through more pain (mental and physical self-harm) and jeopardize my job because I naturally have a difficult time functioning. But that's just me and I totally understand and hope to be off antidepressants someday too. I deeply relate to all you're going through and I'm hopeful that someday we will be past this and it'll all be just a memory that makes us stronger. I wouldn't wish adderall/drug/alcohol addiction on anyone.

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@BK99 I know the struggle, trust me. I was on vyvanse/adderall everyday for 7ish years and I even still slip up once every few months which sucks but trying to not slip up at all anymore. Have you tried Aniracetam or adrafinil? Sometimes I’ll sleep for 14 hours in a night and feel so lethargic and adrafinil gets me out of my brain fog and helps with my anxiety a lot. I also get IV therapy a lot (I can go into detail of what I get if you are interested) and I try and steam every morning. It really gets my heart pumping and I practice my daily breathing exercises in the steam room. I’m an actress so getting off this shit is HELL and there are days I suck so bad that I don’t even want to book a role and I don’t know what to say to my agent. But when I just believe in myself and go for it despite the brain fog and anxiety I feel I come out feeling clear minded. I’m trying to believe our brain is more powerful at healing itself than we know. But there’s also days where I’m like no, I’m not getting out of bed because I love myself and my body and am going to listen to what it needs. I also did cerebrolysin for awhile and that helped a lot. I’m 28 and still look 20 so I’m going out for really energetic young roles and I don’t want PAWS to determine my acting future but the good thing is I’m still booking. And when I feel I can’t do it I will just tell my agent I need time off. I live by myself in LA which helps a lot not being judged by roommates/my boyfriend/friends. Meditation/IV therapy/Aniracetam has saved me many of days. Just thought I’d throw that out there!! Also cerebrolysin but you have to inject yourself so not sure if you are into that. I’m here if you ever want to DM me!! 

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SamJo, are those all prescription medications? I’ve never heard on them.

Day 150 - 5 months clean off Adderall. One day clean off alcohol. What a f*cking loser I am. Alcohol destroys my mental and emotional state in a way that I am absolutely crippled with anxiety right now. I’m just trying to get through the day.

I’m having a really hard time watching the mess pile up around me. I want to cry. I want to scream. This has been one of the worst days weeks so far, but I think that’s mainly due to the alcohol. Gotta get back on that wagon...

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@BK99 congrats on making it 5 months Addy free, that’s worth celebrating! Find some help and do what you need to do to stay off of the alcohol. You’ve done it before and can do it again. Focus on the positives and move on. Progress not perfection. 

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@BK99 That 5-6 month mark is when my anxiety was at its absolute worst. Others here had similar crippling anxiety at that time. Hang in there, you’re getting close to getting a bit of relief. 

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Day 151 - Happy to be on the first day of month 6 and happy to be 2 days sober from booze. Yesterday was hell and I’m happy it’s over. My anxiety isn’t as bad today as it was yesterday. Happy Easter everyone!!

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16 hours ago, William said:

@BK99 That 5-6 month mark is when my anxiety was at its absolute worst. Others here had similar crippling anxiety at that time. Hang in there, you’re getting close to getting a bit of relief. 

I wonder why the anxiety is so bad at the 5-6 month mark..? Coincidence.. or we are settling into the fact that life is a piling up in front of us and we don’t have Adderall to help us?

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20 hours ago, BK99 said:

I wonder why the anxiety is so bad at the 5-6 month mark..? Coincidence.. or we are settling into the fact that life is a piling up in front of us and we don’t have Adderall to help us?

this is something i've wondered about as well. putting aside brain chemistry, i've always felt that the anxiety around that period of time was a result of this sense that you should be feeling better than you do. it's this sort of internal conflict where you have enough energy to be awake and do things, but no motivation to do things that matter. 

i believe it's a lingering effect of "waiting for the Adderall kick". perhaps you're still sub-consciously expecting to wake up one day and just feel a natural kick that will jump-start your life back to "normal". not saying that won't happen, but i think there's merit to the idea that we'll never feel truly recovered until we actually accomplish those things we can't while in recovery.

i recognize it sounds basically like: "suck it up, force yourself through this and you'll feel better:lol:. that's not really what i'm getting at. i think the value of this idea is more fundamental, like an acceptance that "this is just my life now". when you stop waiting for something to change, you kind of just.. move on mentally. it's like how time moves slower when your staring at a clock?

not sure if that helps or even makes sense, but it's perhaps something to ponder (:

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Day 152 - I am sitting here on a bike at the gym writing this. I was feeling like sh*t this morning and realized I hadn’t done any sort of physical activity since Wednesday. I’m thinking I will spend a little longer here so I don’t end up at a liquor store. -_-

My spirits aren’t the best lately, but I’m hoping this will all pass. My husband doesn’t think I should go back on antidepressants again, but I might have to if I continue feeling this way....

I’d like to add a plus for today - about 2 months ago, I would write these daily journals entries on this forum and say to myself “WoW! I can’t believe I was able to write a paragraph without the aid of Adderall.” I don’t say that to myself anymore..so I think that’s progress?

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Day 153 - I’m sitting on a bike at the gym again. I’m really having one of those existential type days where I’m wondering how did I get to this place in my life?

I have destroyed several relationships due to my addictions (as I’m sure many of you can relate). I wish I could wake up one day and not be an addict, but I AM one and will ALWAYS be one.

And guess what? I can sit here and say addiction doesn’t define my life like some people do. But that would be a flat out lie. Addiction has primarily defined my life for the past decade whether I like it or not..

...and now “I’m Still Standing” by Elton John has come on my shuffle. How poetic.

I’m not at the liquor store, or a pdoc getting Adderall, or on the street getting drugs. It’s a good day. One day at a time...

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Day 157 - My energy was low per usual today, but I was actually able to focus on a boring, mandatory task for 30 minutes. I don’t think I have focused on anything other than TV and exercise for the last 6 months, so this little bit excited me today. It’s sad, but I think I saw a little bit of light today with that task..

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@Subtracterall@BK99 I had my biggest cognitive accomplishment in the last 6 months today by far and away... I was able to complete 2/3 of a Lego project (ages 5+ kind) with my 5 year old son.  BK I feel like our usage plus time in recovery are almost identical and you can we are always in the same emotional state.  Still feel terrible but I think when looking at it from the beginning def some kind of improvement?  Or maybe just getting more used to living with this level of depression and anxiety? I hope it's the former... 

@Subtracterall I accidentally mentioned you above and there is a bug that is not allowing me to erase it - sorry bout that 

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DC,

I am so happy to see this. I am also happy that there is someone out in the world with the same Adderall background as me. This fight gets lonely. Let’s stay in touch! I hope you have more mini break-throughs! Have a great day today! (:

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Day 160 - I feel like the fog is lighter than 3 months ago. I’m still struggling HARD, but I feel like my head has a little more clarity if that make sense? All I know is I DO NOT want to go through this again. I know it would be just like alcohol where I think I can moderate my intake one minute, then I’m pounding 14 shots or 14 pills down my mouth the next minute.

I got a little bit discouraged yesterday filling out a 20 page job application. All I could think was if I had Adderall, I’d be able to bang out the application in one sitting. I got about half of the application done, and I am hoping to finish it today.

I have lost a couple pounds. Maybe my metabolism is starting to reward me again since I’ve been hitting the gym hard and trying to not eat sh*t. 

Day 160 is starting off on a positive note!

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Day 162 - I finished the 20 page job application that I said I was going to finish AND I emailed the manager about the job position this morning. Can we all admit that these are some superpower hero accomplishments for someone no longer on the Addies? (No worries. I have already patted myself on the back.)

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Way to go @BK99, that’s freaking awesome! Filling out forms and following up on stuff are no small achievements post Addy. I cleaned out my closet today after 5 months of procrastinating and it just about killed me. But I’m done and feel great!

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Way to go cleaning out your closet, Drew! I’m not ready for that massive task yet! Hopefully I will be some day!

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Day 165 - I am so overwhelmed with everything that I have to do that I am choosing to do nothing for yet another day. I feel zapped of any and all energy today. It’s not a good day. :( 

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Day 168 - I have two interviews for low paying part-time jobs today. I can’t stand laying around the house doing nothing anymore. I’m hoping I get at least one of these jobs. I wish I had more energy to get ready and shower for these interviews, buuuut I don’t.

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@BK99 how are you going with quitting alcohol? I’ve found alcohol really exacerbated my depression and anxiety so I had to give this away also . I can either be extremely sober or completely s***faced- there is no middle ground with me unfortunately. It could actually be the alcohol making you feel worse and not entirely the PAWS from quitting Adderrall. It’s a good thing you are putting yourself out there and applying for jobs. Even just being out of the house and amongst people will probably help you to feel a lot better.

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6 hours ago, BK99 said:

Day 168 - I have two interviews for low paying part-time jobs today. I can’t stand laying around the house doing nothing anymore. I’m hoping I get at least one of these jobs. I wish I had more energy to get ready and shower for these interviews, buuuut I don’t.

I urge you to consider that depression is a medical condition and doesn't always subside. It may not "just" be PAWS from quitting Adderall. Medication and therapy are out there for you.. I'd also consider 12 step meetings because you can talk and make connections with people who are also recovering from addiction. These have all helped me a lot and I'm only 80 days clean. Of course I still struggle but I'm able to get out of bed, go shopping, think about things other than suicide, etc.

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