BK99

After a Decade on Adderall, I’m 30 Days Clean

216 posts in this topic

2 hours ago, whosthisguy said:

I urge you to consider that depression is a medical condition and doesn't always subside. It may not "just" be PAWS from quitting Adderall. Medication and therapy are out there for you.. I'd also consider 12 step meetings because you can talk and make connections with people who are also recovering from addiction. These have all helped me a lot and I'm only 80 days clean. Of course I still struggle but I'm able to get out of bed, go shopping, think about things other than suicide, etc.

I appreciate your concern, but I’m 99% certain my mental state has to do with Adderall withdrawals. I was on amphetamines for 10 years and never felt depressed on them too badly during that time. I haven’t even hit the 6 month mark of being off them, so I’m going to ride out my current state for a little while longer before jumping on antidepressants again. 

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20 hours ago, BK99 said:

I appreciate your concern, but I’m 99% certain my mental state has to do with Adderall withdrawals. I was on amphetamines for 10 years and never felt depressed on them too badly during that time. I haven’t even hit the 6 month mark of being off them, so I’m going to ride out my current state for a little while longer before jumping on antidepressants again. 

I was also on them for 10 years. And I wasn't too depressed on them either.. but that's because they're used for treatment-resistant depression. It's hard to be super depressed on speed, lol. But I just hope you aren't getting in your own way in recovery. There are more options out there than just sitting and waiting for it to pass and I hope you get to explore those and find contentment at some point. Best of luck!

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@whosthisguyI just scored a part-time dream job, so I won’t be sitting around as much anymore. I’m very excited! And you’re right, it was very hard getting depressed on speed. Now I’m paying for it. We all have that cross to bear. 

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On 5/8/2019 at 8:45 AM, Socially awkward said:

@BK99 how are you going with quitting alcohol? I’ve found alcohol really exacerbated my depression and anxiety so I had to give this away also . I can either be extremely sober or completely s***faced- there is no middle ground with me unfortunately. It could actually be the alcohol making you feel worse and not entirely the PAWS from quitting Adderrall. It’s a good thing you are putting yourself out there and applying for jobs. Even just being out of the house and amongst people will probably help you to feel a lot better.

I haven’t had a drink in about 3 weeks, so I’m steadily getting back on that wagon. I agree. Drinking exacerbated the crap out of my anxiety and depression...worse than it ever has in the past. I have 0 drinks or 16; there’s no in between for me either.

I made some really poor decisions during my last bender, so I think I’m gonna be off the sauce for awhile. Just thinking about how much I embarrassed the f*ck out myself is enough for me right now. No desire at the current moment....

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Day 171 - I’m currently experiencing a very rough stretch. I feel almost as crappy as I did in month one. -_- I hope this passes.

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Day 172 - I’m reflecting this morning about how slow these days go by without speed. Part of me misses that running around and being so self absorbed in what I am doing...no time to think about others and how they affected me.

Now that I am off the drugs, the days move so slowly and I am not as self absorbed into what I am doing. I feel like I am not able to brush off the actions of others anymore. I hate being so emotional. I miss the numb feeling. 

But....

I don’t miss the psychosis. I don’t miss my blood pressure being at emergency room levels. I don’t miss being up for 3 days at a time tweaking out. I don’t miss trying to ration my pills each month, and always failing. I don’t miss being completely bed-ridden for at least a week each month because I was out of pills. I just need to remind myself of these things...

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Day 173 - I’m starting to think I need to do something about my depression. It has been BAD this past week, and no amount of “keeping myself busy” has helped it. I might stick it out a little longer, but I’m having a very hard time mentally and emotionally right now.

Has anyone else experienced crippling depression and anxiety around the 6 month mark? How did you deal with it?

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Day 176 - Looking forward to orientation at my new job today. I hope this part-time job puts me in the right direction. I am in a good place mentally today. I hope I have more mornings like this..

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Day 180 - I’ve been looking forward to this day. Six months clean off of amphetamines...

Never thought I’d make it this far. Now I’m in the limelight cause I rhyme tight. (Biggie, anyone?!)

I can’t lie. These first six months have been hell on earth, but what is going to take me through the next six months are those little slivers of natural happiness and hope that I experienced a few times.

Gotta stay positive....

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congrats!!!!

something else to get you through the next six months - think about how you felt 6 months ago compared to now. i know its hard while you're  going through time, with PAWS coming and going, but when you reach these milestones is a good time to reflect on the larger period of time.

6 months from now will be so much different (:

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Day 182 - I am craving amphetamines badly today. I’m lucky I live in a place where they are regulated heavily, because if they were sold over the counter or like liquor, I’d have bought and taken them today. ):

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Day 183 - I’m starting to think I need to try the WellButrin route again. I’m really struggling energy wise. I can barely get to the gym this week because I’m so fatigued. All I’ve been doing most days is laying in bed watching TV. Work starts tomorrow. God help me.

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hang in there!  to be honest, i think starting work is going to be a really positive thing - it will force you to have energy. external accountability was SO important to me during my recovery.

i still take Wellbutrin. it definitely helps, though some people need a period to adjust to it. if you decide to try it again, make sure your dr does not start you at 300mg. frankly i've been at half that for years and it's more than enough.

gl at your first day of work!!! (:

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Day 185 - I survived my first day of work yesterday. It’s a fast paced work environment. I can’t believe how physically tired I was after work. I was so tired today doing nothing, it was insane.

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Day 188 - I miss that morning burst of energy from my little orange pills. I’ve been romanticizing a lot about the pills this past week.

My depression isn’t too bad right now, my energy levels are just crazy low. Blehh

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Day 195 - Goodness gracious, I’ve been staying busy with my new job. The job is physically demanding - involves a lot of running around. Every time I start a shift, I think to myself, “This would be easier on Adderall.”

I work with a lot of younger kids. I’ve completed a few 10-12 hour shifts. Yesterday I was so tired from my 10 hour shift the day before that I felt “bolted” to my bed until about noon. I was THAT tired. I’m hoping this is all good for me...

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Day 199 - I’m laying in bed right now. It’s my first day off from work in about a week. My mind wants to go for a hike, but my body is saying please God, no. I may stay in bed all day today. Hopefully I will feel better tomorrow...

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Day 205 - I can’t lie - I am really struggling this week. I’m working 35-40 hour weeks and I don’t have any energy to go to the gym as well. I’m on my feet most of the day and I just don’t know how much more of this I can take. I wish I never met Adderall. It still feels like it’s destroying me. Tough Friday. Hope everyone else is doing well. :(

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Day 209 - A positive for today - I think my appetite has finally returned to normal. I don’t know about everyone else, but in the first six months of recovery I had a crazy ravenous appetite. In the last few weeks, I’ve noticed my appetite returning to normal human levels. This is a good thing...a very good thing. One of the biggest things I’ve struggled with in the last few years has been weight. The amphetamines stopped giving the desired weight loss effect about 3-4 years ago. 

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Day 215 - I feel like the fog is slowly lifting. That’s all I got for today. (:

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I am new here and I am so thankful I have found you people. I have been on adderall for the past 8 years. Lead to failing out of college with no degree and buried in student loans. This drug is pure hell and has ruined my mental, emotional and physical health. I have been clean since March 3 and it has been the hardest thing I have ever faced in my life. Coming from someone who was naive enough to think that I would never be one to face addiction square in the face. I’ve learned that addiction does not discriminate and it can happen to anyone. Gained 37 pounds in four months, no energy or motivation most days to even get out of bed and brush my teeth and shower. Digestive issues, 3 colon surgeries,  4 root canals, loss of my hair and scars all over my skin from picking. Damn this battle is hard. Does it ever get any easier? 

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@CBMoes Sorry to hear the hell you've gone though.  I hope things have gotten better over the month.  As far as your question "Does it ever get easier?", from what I've read on the site you still may have a struggle ahead of you but the reward is worth the pain. I unfortunately cannot answer from my own experience since I continue to let myself find some very stupid reason to move a pill from my palm to mouth.  My best friend who abused very heavily for years and would stay up for 3-4 days straight just from adderall is about to be 4 years clean and his life has advanced light years ahead of mine as far as goals and overall happiness.  He said the first 9 months sucked the most and I personally saw that, he experienced fatigue and an overall hatred of life.  Now he's in a new non-toxic relationship that he got into after being clean 9 months and he tells me constantly that life is so much better without meds (I feel like a teen again not listening to people that have been there done that) yet I don't listen to him even though I see how well he is doing. And when he was at 2 years clean he couldn't remember how adderall actually felt.  So to make a long story short it does get easier because he was deep in his addiction and I never thought he would get clean and happy and now he's all the things he wanted...hang in there cause it gets better.

@BK99 Hope things are continuing to go good for you, I've viewed this post so many times and enjoy reading your continuous updates.  It's been over a month since your last post so I hope your doing good!! PLEASE let us know! :-)

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@eric I am always so humbled by the people wondering how I’m doing because they have kept up with my posts on this journey. (:

Day 252 - It’s been 252 days since I have put any type of amphetamine in my mouth. Unfortunately I’m not perfect and I’ve had some serious slip ups with alcohol in the last few months. I made a complete ass out of myself and lost a very good friend in the process. 

I am 7 days sober from alcohol, and yes, I know I need to go to AA. I’ve been pretty much bedridden since my friend cut me out of his life a week ago. I’m falling back into a depression. I feel like I don’t have very many friends, so any time I lose one, it’s a crippling blow that sets me back severely.

So I’m going through a very tough patch right now..but I’m so proud of myself for staying off of amphetamines. I’ve thought about going on antidepressants again, but the thought of sitting in another shrink’s chair frightens me. Why? I know words will be coming out of my mouth such as: “I’m having trouble focusing” and “I do great on ADHD medication.” I just can’t do that.

I can’t. I won’t. I refuse to go down that road right now.

The good news is that I’ve lost 20 pounds since quitting, so those of you scared over the sedentary, quick weight gain that happens right when you quit...you’ll be rewarded if you stick it out over 6 months.

Another bit of good news: My husband and I played our first music gig as a duo last weekend and it was amazing to get out there. I feel like my anhedonia isn’t too bad when it comes to music lately, so I’m holding onto that and looking forward to playing out more.

Thank you to everyone who reads my posts. I always feel better after writing. I will probably be posting more now that I’m in between jobs. (:

To anyone wanting a solitary ear, please don’t hesitate to send me a PM. I have quite a bit of downtime these days and could use the human interactions!

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@BK99 Proud to hear that your sticking with your recovery and thats a big boost to my recovery!!! Sorry to hear about your friend cutting you out.  I've been down that same road with my best friend and it went on for over a year and it was extremely horrible.  Thankfully, we slowly made amends over time and we're almost back to where we were before...hell maybe even better actually in a weird way. 

Also, glad to hear that you've lost some weight and that your anhedonia isn't too bad when it comes to something you enjoy doing. 

I'm actually at the end of my day 3 right now and trucking along...I'm doing things way different this time and feeling confident.  I've got alot more people in my corner supporting me this time around.  Well I'm gonna turn in for the night, I've been handling these first few days well and staying busy as possible at work and FORCING myself to do simple things that I always "needed" adderall for in the past....to be honest my biggest struggle comes after 2 weeks when I begin to physically feel better which in turn makes me happy and that leads me to be like "oh I was just fine on adderall, it won't hurt if I just take 1 or 2" and then I do and it leads me back down the same road to misery and hell. 

Just don't give up the time you've earned towards recovery, I'd love to trade you recovery time at this moment. lol. 

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Day 255 - I feel like I’ve hit a wall in my recovery. I feel like I have the energy levels that I had during month two of my recovery. It’s gotten so bad that my husband believes I should be tested for Lyme Disease because I’ve spent a lot of time outdoors this summer. Idk..maybe it’s just depression?

I just hate walking into my office and seeing a monstrosity of sh*t everywhere. Cleaning is such a boring task when you aren’t on Adderall. My office would be somewhat clean if I still had those pills, buuut...

Yesterday two police cruisers were parked in front of my house. I reflected a lot during these 30 minutes. If this happened a year ago, I would have been freaking out thinking the cops were out to get me or that I was in trouble or danger for something. Instead, my normal self without Adderall was calm, cool, and collected. I even went outside to bring in my trash barrels just to see what was going on...

(The police were dealing with an issue at the house across the street.)

Just trying to find a positive everytime I post a negative about this process....

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