BK99

After a Decade on Adderall, I’m 30 Days Clean

188 posts in this topic

2 hours ago, whosthisguy said:

I urge you to consider that depression is a medical condition and doesn't always subside. It may not "just" be PAWS from quitting Adderall. Medication and therapy are out there for you.. I'd also consider 12 step meetings because you can talk and make connections with people who are also recovering from addiction. These have all helped me a lot and I'm only 80 days clean. Of course I still struggle but I'm able to get out of bed, go shopping, think about things other than suicide, etc.

I appreciate your concern, but I’m 99% certain my mental state has to do with Adderall withdrawals. I was on amphetamines for 10 years and never felt depressed on them too badly during that time. I haven’t even hit the 6 month mark of being off them, so I’m going to ride out my current state for a little while longer before jumping on antidepressants again. 

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20 hours ago, BK99 said:

I appreciate your concern, but I’m 99% certain my mental state has to do with Adderall withdrawals. I was on amphetamines for 10 years and never felt depressed on them too badly during that time. I haven’t even hit the 6 month mark of being off them, so I’m going to ride out my current state for a little while longer before jumping on antidepressants again. 

I was also on them for 10 years. And I wasn't too depressed on them either.. but that's because they're used for treatment-resistant depression. It's hard to be super depressed on speed, lol. But I just hope you aren't getting in your own way in recovery. There are more options out there than just sitting and waiting for it to pass and I hope you get to explore those and find contentment at some point. Best of luck!

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@whosthisguyI just scored a part-time dream job, so I won’t be sitting around as much anymore. I’m very excited! And you’re right, it was very hard getting depressed on speed. Now I’m paying for it. We all have that cross to bear. 

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On 5/8/2019 at 8:45 AM, Socially awkward said:

@BK99 how are you going with quitting alcohol? I’ve found alcohol really exacerbated my depression and anxiety so I had to give this away also . I can either be extremely sober or completely s***faced- there is no middle ground with me unfortunately. It could actually be the alcohol making you feel worse and not entirely the PAWS from quitting Adderrall. It’s a good thing you are putting yourself out there and applying for jobs. Even just being out of the house and amongst people will probably help you to feel a lot better.

I haven’t had a drink in about 3 weeks, so I’m steadily getting back on that wagon. I agree. Drinking exacerbated the crap out of my anxiety and depression...worse than it ever has in the past. I have 0 drinks or 16; there’s no in between for me either.

I made some really poor decisions during my last bender, so I think I’m gonna be off the sauce for awhile. Just thinking about how much I embarrassed the f*ck out myself is enough for me right now. No desire at the current moment....

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Day 171 - I’m currently experiencing a very rough stretch. I feel almost as crappy as I did in month one. -_- I hope this passes.

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Day 172 - I’m reflecting this morning about how slow these days go by without speed. Part of me misses that running around and being so self absorbed in what I am doing...no time to think about others and how they affected me.

Now that I am off the drugs, the days move so slowly and I am not as self absorbed into what I am doing. I feel like I am not able to brush off the actions of others anymore. I hate being so emotional. I miss the numb feeling. 

But....

I don’t miss the psychosis. I don’t miss my blood pressure being at emergency room levels. I don’t miss being up for 3 days at a time tweaking out. I don’t miss trying to ration my pills each month, and always failing. I don’t miss being completely bed-ridden for at least a week each month because I was out of pills. I just need to remind myself of these things...

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Day 173 - I’m starting to think I need to do something about my depression. It has been BAD this past week, and no amount of “keeping myself busy” has helped it. I might stick it out a little longer, but I’m having a very hard time mentally and emotionally right now.

Has anyone else experienced crippling depression and anxiety around the 6 month mark? How did you deal with it?

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Day 176 - Looking forward to orientation at my new job today. I hope this part-time job puts me in the right direction. I am in a good place mentally today. I hope I have more mornings like this..

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Day 180 - I’ve been looking forward to this day. Six months clean off of amphetamines...

Never thought I’d make it this far. Now I’m in the limelight cause I rhyme tight. (Biggie, anyone?!)

I can’t lie. These first six months have been hell on earth, but what is going to take me through the next six months are those little slivers of natural happiness and hope that I experienced a few times.

Gotta stay positive....

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congrats!!!!

something else to get you through the next six months - think about how you felt 6 months ago compared to now. i know its hard while you're  going through time, with PAWS coming and going, but when you reach these milestones is a good time to reflect on the larger period of time.

6 months from now will be so much different (:

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Day 182 - I am craving amphetamines badly today. I’m lucky I live in a place where they are regulated heavily, because if they were sold over the counter or like liquor, I’d have bought and taken them today. ):

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Day 183 - I’m starting to think I need to try the WellButrin route again. I’m really struggling energy wise. I can barely get to the gym this week because I’m so fatigued. All I’ve been doing most days is laying in bed watching TV. Work starts tomorrow. God help me.

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hang in there!  to be honest, i think starting work is going to be a really positive thing - it will force you to have energy. external accountability was SO important to me during my recovery.

i still take Wellbutrin. it definitely helps, though some people need a period to adjust to it. if you decide to try it again, make sure your dr does not start you at 300mg. frankly i've been at half that for years and it's more than enough.

gl at your first day of work!!! (:

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