BK99

After a Decade on Adderall, I’m 30 Days Clean

249 posts in this topic

@BK99 Congrats on day 257?!!! I'm only day 7 and very jealous of you! lol. I've read here on the forum that the 9 month mark is very difficult for some reason and my friend remembered it specifically cause he thought he would be better by than but then hit a very bad rough patch...However once he got past it things seemed to become easier from there on out and he hits 4 years next month and he actually stopped thinking about meds after the 9 month patch...I remember him saying "I don't even remember what it actually felt like taking them.." during his year 1.  He obviously remembered what it did to him but he said he didn't crave it anymore. However he did continue to have dreams about it until he got thru year 2.

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Day 257 - I wonder what it is about the 9 month mark that is so hard? I’m laying here in bed contemplating calling my doctor because there is so much I want to do, I just don’t have the energy to get up and do it.

@ericYou might be jealous of the time I have under my belt, but I feel so sh*tty right now, to the point of being angry because I feel like this should be better by now. :( Thank you for sharing about your friend. Maybe there is hope and those are the words I needed to hear right now!!

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@BK99I'm not sure what it is about that point in recovery but I've been on this forum for over 4.5 years to see the 9 month mark come up multiple times as a milestone where people seem to experience more problems then they had in the months prior...my friend never once visited this website and he specifically told me things were rough the first month but felt way better after 3 months, and at 9 months it was bad again but he kept on, after year 1 things vastly improved for him.  As I said he never once visited this site so I think he was a little concerned to feel so poorly at 9 months, although after he talked about it I did tell him that other people experienced the same thing here which gave him some relief at the time...

As far as my jealousy lol, I've never been as far as you in recovery but I've made the 3-4 weeks a few times and threw it all away, but since I am so early in recovery I just wanted to remind you that if you take one again you'll be back to single digits and feel even worse than you do now (cause I'm still in single digits and it sucks here). Abstinence from the drug is the only thing that will make you better is what everyone that is now happy after abusing this drug has told me, so they've been there and done that so I'm actually gonna listen to them for once.  Also, go back and read your original post and remember why you quit in the first place, remember that concerning EKG test and how you've only got one heart...

I really hope what I'm say is helping and doesn't seem to scatter brained, I'm trying to contribute more on this forum cause in the past when I would stop coming here I would relapse.  My friend thats almost 4 years clean was recently diagnosed with a disease and he's been going out of his way to support me on this quit, in the past he would give me encouraging words and support but with his new diagnosis changing his life he's been above and beyond (as well as my wife taking care of our child and emotionally supporting me as well) on trying to help me realize that life can change so suddenly and not to waste it.  SO I'm doing everything now to make my adderall addiction a thing of the past and hopefully I can help others along the way....

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Day 260 - I saw one of my former shrinks yesterday, but not for the reason you might think...

Earlier in the day, I had a pretty bad fight with my husband. A lot of it was based around how little I get done around the house since starting my recovery. I told him I thought I would be feeling better by this point in the journey and that I thought I would have more energy, but the reality is I just don’t. I also told him I could go back on Adderall and everything around the house would get done, including meals every day. The only downside is that I would probably have a heart attack before I turn 40, considering my BP was always around 180/120 during my last days of amphetamine use.

Cue dinner time, I suggest we go out and get a pizza because, like most days, I didn’t have the energy to cook.

We start walking towards the pizza joint, and there I see one of my former shrinks that fed me Adderall for 4-5 years. She knows me well. I turn to my husband in a panic and tell him we cannot go in because my former shrink was walking in ahead of us. He completely understood. If I had talked to that woman for even 2 minutes, she would have given me a card to set up an appointment with her. She’s convincing.

I just find it crazy that on one of my hardest days, I see a person I really didn’t need to see. I dodged a bullet.

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Day 266 - Haven’t had the energy to do much in recent weeks - bedridden really. I’m having a really tough time at the 9 month mark. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want a boost to get me out of bed. Maybe my appointment with my pcp next week will help in some way. I hope it does.

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Day 271 - Well, I hit the 9 month mark - a full-term freakin’ baby, yo. I feel like shit today. I’ve been sleeping like crap the last few days, and slept in until about noon today. 

I had an interview for a job on Friday that I’d really like. They haven’t called me back yet. Meh...

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Day 271, Part II - I’m a bit nervous right now. I am seeing my pcp tomorrow morning. I am going to be 100% honest with her about what’s been going on. I’ve been extremely weak/fatigued the last couple of months. I’m nearing a year clean off of amphetamines. 

This is the same doctor who did an EKG on me during the last month of my amphetamine use. I guess I’m just terrified that I’ve done long term damage to my heart from all the years I spent on this drug.

I guess I could just use some positive thoughts and well wishes right now. I’m terrified.

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Hope everything works out at the doctors office tomorrow! I really really do! I’m at the end of day 21 and it was a very tough day but I genuinely wish you wellness.  After reading your posts for the past 8 months I feel like my wife and I have gotten to know you, as silly as that may sound, and would love to see a post about your health being all clear. If something is still irregular then we pray that the problem can be still be undone eventually.

Seriously tho, people reading this are pulling for ya. Just know that my wife and I are sending you positive vibes! Good luck and be strong, and whatever the outcome is you should be proud of hitting 9 months!!! Good luck!!!

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Day 272 - Leaving for the doc soon. Nervous, but excited more than anything to see what my blood pressure will be. I think the last time I was there, it was something like 185/120..which is a hypertensive crisis, and just plain alarming.

@ericThank you (and your wife) for the well wishes! It’s nice to have that kind of support. I will check in later, folks!

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@BK99Thank you for your posts. I just wanted to say that I have been following you for some time now and you have really inspired me to keep up my sobriety. I am 41 days clean today and I just want to say that I am right there with you. The blood pressure was one of the reasons I have quit. Diet has really helped me with my hypertension... though it can be incredibly hard to do since food is my go-to right now to feel better :P.

Note: Work actually is helping me through this a LOT, though its hard to admit it. If I wasnt working, I would be sitting on the couch, in my own head all the time, which is what I do on weekends when I am not at work. Work forces me to get out and socialize, and put my focus on something other than myself and my own problems. Its not much, but its something... and thats a hell of a lot better than nothing. I hope that helps you when you think about going back to work.

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Feeling very frustrated after this morning’s doctor appointment. I have white coat syndrome, which means my blood pressure instantly skyrockets anytime I am in a doctor’s office setting. I told my doctor this. My blood pressure was 150/100 at the start and end of the visit. My pulse was 83. When I saw her 9 months ago for my EKG, my BP was 155/123 with a pulse of 112. (I had popped a Vyvanse that morning.) Improvement regardless of white coat syndrome, right?

She wanted to put me on blood pressure medication for the rest of my life starting today. This instantly crushed me and I walked out to my car crying. BP meds are serious. If you stop taking them, you’re at risk for a stroke. Super.

I took BP readings the rest of the day, and it slowly came down. My reading is 104/61 just now. I have to go for a bunch of bloodwork tomorrow and send her my BP readings that she probably doesn’t believe at the end of the week.

Just not feeling the best right now. To go 9 months without this drug and have no current relief is depressing. To go through this roller coaster of energy from just alright to not being able to get out of bed is exhausting. I honestly don’t know how much more I can take.

I feel like I’m drowning and everything is piling up around me. My husband asked me when dinner would be ready just now and I nearly lost it. I don’t have the energy for any of this. :( 

Sadly, I have fallen back into a dark ring, where the only thing bringing me joy right now is food. This is a bad place to be.

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Day 274 - I am going to force myself out of the house today to engage in some retail therapy. It’s been years since I have bought work clothes in person.

 I’m still waiting on blood results...

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Sorry to hear about the white coat syndrome, hopefully she will believe you when you give her the at home readings. Did they do an ekg this past visit?

Just hang in there, im wrapping up day 24 and I’ve been feeling crappy these past few days cause of my allergies and probably withdrawals. It was amazing/scary how addie could keep me so productive even when I had the flu and crap.

And I hope your feeling better after getting out and shopping. 

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Day 277 - To the person who said somewhere that it took 11 months in bed to feel normal again, you’re the person giving me hope today. I hope I feel better in month 11 than I do right now, which is a little past the 9 month mark.

I have been craving amphetamines like a crazy person this week. I miss them. Everything is draining me...

I know life was hectic on pills, but life feels damn near impossible without them. I’m laying in bed right now having a mini breakdown. I start a new job this week that really requires focus, and all I can think of is how I want Adderall.

I need a few prayers today, people. I know I sound like a broken record with all of my negative posts, but I don’t like to sugar coat things. I hate that I still feel this way...

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@BK99 Hang in there, I'll send some prayers your way and good luck with the new job.  I like that you don't sugar coat things, because one day you will get better and it's gonna be a great reminder of the hell you went thru...Hopefully to remind you not to go back.

I'm currently day 27 and hanging in there...

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Day 279 - Tomorrow will be the first day I enter a school as an employee where I won’t have Adderall as my private little push aid. I’m terrified. The job I had over the summer as a theme park ride attendant was only physically demanding. Being an educator is physically, mentally, and emotionally demanding.

The only abnormal blood work I had was high cholesterol. I guess I should count my blessings, but it’s tough not getting answers for my lethargy. I know it’s probably a combination of PAWS and depression.

Fall is my favorite season. I will be one year clean on Thanksgiving. Looking forward to having a year under my belt..

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Day 280 - Today was HARD. Luckily, I am only working part-time, but the entire day was a trigger. All I felt was an extreme need for something I’ve leaned on in my career for the past 10 years - Adderall.

I wasn’t prepared for this. Today was a huge, HUGE trigger for me. I almost went into full blown panic at one point not having Adderall.

The whole day was sort of an overwhelming fog...

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@BK99 good job on getting thru today...I'm sorry it was full of triggers but you survived it.  Not sure what else to say but know that people are here wishing you the best on this rewarding journey to getting better. I'm wrapping up my day 30 as we speak, just wanted to let you know I'm rooting for ya! Just remember how much you've already gone thru and don't easily give it up. Turkey day will be here before you know it!  

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Day 286 - I am starting week 2 of my job today. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: for me, getting up and just showering is the hardest part of this process. I always needed Adderall just to get out of bed for pretty much the last 5 years I was on it.

I have been having trouble with alcohol lately, but I’m going for a long stretch this time without it. I can’t afford to be hungover wasting my days anymore, especially when I don’t have Adderall to mask it and bring me back up.

I am also trying hard to take a multivitamin every day because I can tell it helps me get through the days. Very small, but definitely helps my fog a bit. 

Gotta stay positive this week. It’s all I can do...

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Day 289 - Barely got through this week. I’m feeling depleted and defeated. I will probably sleep all weekend because I don’t have the energy to do anything else.

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Day 291 - Today was a difficult day. I thought all day about getting back on Adderall because I don’t know how much more of this I can handle. I know if I went back on it, that would be it. I couldn’t start this recovery process again. It’s been almost a year and I still feel like I did in month 2. I feel so far down. Just getting very frustrated at this point...

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Day 292 - My dad would always say “God grant me the strength to face the coming days.” This line resonates with me now more than ever. I’m beginning the first full week at school and I had a very hard time getting out of bed this morning. So exhausted..

I think I need to find a new therapist, but I’m not sure I want the possibility of getting an Adderall script to come up. I’m weak, and I know I’d accept it. This is why  I’ve been holding off getting help for my depression/PAWS...

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Day 293 - I woke up with a little more energy today than I did yesterday, but that’s not saying much..

Getting a little annoyed with the Vyvanse ads on Facebook. This is the third day in a row Facebook has advertised amphetamine medications to an addict. I mean..Really?!

 

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Day 295 - Good God, mornings are so tough. I was always a morning person on Adderall. Before Adderall, I got spurts of energy later in the day, rarely in the morning. I need to remind myself of this. Over. And. Over. Again.

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