BK99

After a Decade on Adderall, I’m 30 Days Clean

211 posts in this topic

@BK99 Congrats on day 257?!!! I'm only day 7 and very jealous of you! lol. I've read here on the forum that the 9 month mark is very difficult for some reason and my friend remembered it specifically cause he thought he would be better by than but then hit a very bad rough patch...However once he got past it things seemed to become easier from there on out and he hits 4 years next month and he actually stopped thinking about meds after the 9 month patch...I remember him saying "I don't even remember what it actually felt like taking them.." during his year 1.  He obviously remembered what it did to him but he said he didn't crave it anymore. However he did continue to have dreams about it until he got thru year 2.

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Day 257 - I wonder what it is about the 9 month mark that is so hard? I’m laying here in bed contemplating calling my doctor because there is so much I want to do, I just don’t have the energy to get up and do it.

@ericYou might be jealous of the time I have under my belt, but I feel so sh*tty right now, to the point of being angry because I feel like this should be better by now. :( Thank you for sharing about your friend. Maybe there is hope and those are the words I needed to hear right now!!

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@BK99I'm not sure what it is about that point in recovery but I've been on this forum for over 4.5 years to see the 9 month mark come up multiple times as a milestone where people seem to experience more problems then they had in the months prior...my friend never once visited this website and he specifically told me things were rough the first month but felt way better after 3 months, and at 9 months it was bad again but he kept on, after year 1 things vastly improved for him.  As I said he never once visited this site so I think he was a little concerned to feel so poorly at 9 months, although after he talked about it I did tell him that other people experienced the same thing here which gave him some relief at the time...

As far as my jealousy lol, I've never been as far as you in recovery but I've made the 3-4 weeks a few times and threw it all away, but since I am so early in recovery I just wanted to remind you that if you take one again you'll be back to single digits and feel even worse than you do now (cause I'm still in single digits and it sucks here). Abstinence from the drug is the only thing that will make you better is what everyone that is now happy after abusing this drug has told me, so they've been there and done that so I'm actually gonna listen to them for once.  Also, go back and read your original post and remember why you quit in the first place, remember that concerning EKG test and how you've only got one heart...

I really hope what I'm say is helping and doesn't seem to scatter brained, I'm trying to contribute more on this forum cause in the past when I would stop coming here I would relapse.  My friend thats almost 4 years clean was recently diagnosed with a disease and he's been going out of his way to support me on this quit, in the past he would give me encouraging words and support but with his new diagnosis changing his life he's been above and beyond (as well as my wife taking care of our child and emotionally supporting me as well) on trying to help me realize that life can change so suddenly and not to waste it.  SO I'm doing everything now to make my adderall addiction a thing of the past and hopefully I can help others along the way....

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Day 260 - I saw one of my former shrinks yesterday, but not for the reason you might think...

Earlier in the day, I had a pretty bad fight with my husband. A lot of it was based around how little I get done around the house since starting my recovery. I told him I thought I would be feeling better by this point in the journey and that I thought I would have more energy, but the reality is I just don’t. I also told him I could go back on Adderall and everything around the house would get done, including meals every day. The only downside is that I would probably have a heart attack before I turn 40, considering my BP was always around 180/120 during my last days of amphetamine use.

Cue dinner time, I suggest we go out and get a pizza because, like most days, I didn’t have the energy to cook.

We start walking towards the pizza joint, and there I see one of my former shrinks that fed me Adderall for 4-5 years. She knows me well. I turn to my husband in a panic and tell him we cannot go in because my former shrink was walking in ahead of us. He completely understood. If I had talked to that woman for even 2 minutes, she would have given me a card to set up an appointment with her. She’s convincing.

I just find it crazy that on one of my hardest days, I see a person I really didn’t need to see. I dodged a bullet.

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Day 266 - Haven’t had the energy to do much in recent weeks - bedridden really. I’m having a really tough time at the 9 month mark. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want a boost to get me out of bed. Maybe my appointment with my pcp next week will help in some way. I hope it does.

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Day 271 - Well, I hit the 9 month mark - a full-term freakin’ baby, yo. I feel like shit today. I’ve been sleeping like crap the last few days, and slept in until about noon today. 

I had an interview for a job on Friday that I’d really like. They haven’t called me back yet. Meh...

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Day 271, Part II - I’m a bit nervous right now. I am seeing my pcp tomorrow morning. I am going to be 100% honest with her about what’s been going on. I’ve been extremely weak/fatigued the last couple of months. I’m nearing a year clean off of amphetamines. 

This is the same doctor who did an EKG on me during the last month of my amphetamine use. I guess I’m just terrified that I’ve done long term damage to my heart from all the years I spent on this drug.

I guess I could just use some positive thoughts and well wishes right now. I’m terrified.

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Hope everything works out at the doctors office tomorrow! I really really do! I’m at the end of day 21 and it was a very tough day but I genuinely wish you wellness.  After reading your posts for the past 8 months I feel like my wife and I have gotten to know you, as silly as that may sound, and would love to see a post about your health being all clear. If something is still irregular then we pray that the problem can be still be undone eventually.

Seriously tho, people reading this are pulling for ya. Just know that my wife and I are sending you positive vibes! Good luck and be strong, and whatever the outcome is you should be proud of hitting 9 months!!! Good luck!!!

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Day 272 - Leaving for the doc soon. Nervous, but excited more than anything to see what my blood pressure will be. I think the last time I was there, it was something like 185/120..which is a hypertensive crisis, and just plain alarming.

@ericThank you (and your wife) for the well wishes! It’s nice to have that kind of support. I will check in later, folks!

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@BK99Thank you for your posts. I just wanted to say that I have been following you for some time now and you have really inspired me to keep up my sobriety. I am 41 days clean today and I just want to say that I am right there with you. The blood pressure was one of the reasons I have quit. Diet has really helped me with my hypertension... though it can be incredibly hard to do since food is my go-to right now to feel better :P.

Note: Work actually is helping me through this a LOT, though its hard to admit it. If I wasnt working, I would be sitting on the couch, in my own head all the time, which is what I do on weekends when I am not at work. Work forces me to get out and socialize, and put my focus on something other than myself and my own problems. Its not much, but its something... and thats a hell of a lot better than nothing. I hope that helps you when you think about going back to work.

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Feeling very frustrated after this morning’s doctor appointment. I have white coat syndrome, which means my blood pressure instantly skyrockets anytime I am in a doctor’s office setting. I told my doctor this. My blood pressure was 150/100 at the start and end of the visit. My pulse was 83. When I saw her 9 months ago for my EKG, my BP was 155/123 with a pulse of 112. (I had popped a Vyvanse that morning.) Improvement regardless of white coat syndrome, right?

She wanted to put me on blood pressure medication for the rest of my life starting today. This instantly crushed me and I walked out to my car crying. BP meds are serious. If you stop taking them, you’re at risk for a stroke. Super.

I took BP readings the rest of the day, and it slowly came down. My reading is 104/61 just now. I have to go for a bunch of bloodwork tomorrow and send her my BP readings that she probably doesn’t believe at the end of the week.

Just not feeling the best right now. To go 9 months without this drug and have no current relief is depressing. To go through this roller coaster of energy from just alright to not being able to get out of bed is exhausting. I honestly don’t know how much more I can take.

I feel like I’m drowning and everything is piling up around me. My husband asked me when dinner would be ready just now and I nearly lost it. I don’t have the energy for any of this. :( 

Sadly, I have fallen back into a dark ring, where the only thing bringing me joy right now is food. This is a bad place to be.

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