joeshmo

Is Adderall ruining my life??

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I was perscribed adderall about 7 years ago and (generally) too the perscribed amount. For the past 1-2 years, my usage and abuse has spiraled out of control. At my worst I was taking over 200mg on a daily basis for weeks on end. I couldnt stop. I estimate at least two nights a week I would get ZERO sleep, the other nights i would get 2-4 hours. On weekends i wouldnt take any and just sleep all day to gather just enough strength to do it all again. It was a vicious cycle. 

After taking so much, the reasons I even took it in the first place didnt work. I would throw pill after pill down the hatch and couldnt even complete the most mundane tasks. I became incredibly lazy and irritated. I withdrew socially and stopped reaching out to my friends. I neglected my health, hygiene and didn't care about things that were important to me. My dentist saw the calluses on my tongue that built up from biting them so much. It was embarrassing. 

The worst part is how terribly I treated my wife. She is currently in the process of leaving me. I treated our relatinship so poorly, now I am witnessing the results. She thinks of me as this argumentative, angry person. I would get irritated by her for anything, argue about anything and hold grudges we couldnt get over even the stupidist things. She saw how little I was sleeping and I got so defensive when she would ask me about it. I would get mad at HER for asking ME. I was fine, my sleep was fine. But I was hiding this big secret from her. And myself. 

I never used to be this person, I cared about my wellbeing, I was social, I have tons of friends. My values were corrupted. I am a family man, its the most important thing to me. I would never turn on family or my closest relationships. 

Is this change in me happening because of adderall? I havent taken any for two days and I am struggling really bad. Is there any hope for me? 

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Hi @joeshmo, welcome to the forums. The short answers to your questions. Yes, many of the changes you describe are because of Adderall. Yes, Adderall is probably ruining your life. Yes, there is hope for you. 

You’re in the right place to come to grips with what you’re going through, many of us have gone through the same experiences. Adderall can take a terrible toll on relationships. It messes up your health. It changes you. I truly hope you’ve had enough and are ready to do this, it’s worth it. Good luck. 

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There’s always hope. Adderall is a hell of a drug and turn your life into a living hell. You can get out of it you just got to take care of yourself.

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How long were you with your wife before you started adderall?   If she is willing, tell her about this website and have her educate herself about what has happened to you.  My husband was on adderall for about 11 years.  I felt like I was living out an episode of the twilight zone where my husband was replaced by an identical looking alien and no one but me suspected anything and no one believed me.   This website gave me the answers I was looking for.  

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I agree with @oswhid . I would tell your wife about this website. I came here last month and posted my story. My husband completely changed in a year and a half on Adderall. Now we are in the middle of a divorce that I did not choose. He became very angry, short tempered, easily irritated, lashed out, isolated himself among other things. It's true, it's like the person you knew was hijacked. I am glad you are realizing what it is doing to you. I wished my husband did. Have her come to this site and read everyone's stories. Adderall effects not only the users, but those living with them too. From my perspective from reading all the stories on this site, it seems for the user, Adderall is a godsend and a life saver at the beginning, then in a way becomes a life taker. You can not function without it and it turns you into a completely different person; unhappy, unhealthy and angry.

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@oswhid - thanks for your response. How bad did your fights get? Ours got pretty bad - I yelled and screamed and called her names.  

My wife thinks there is a deeper issue with our relationship that just quitting adderall cant fix. I am unable to express fully how impactful the addiction had on me and thus our relationship. I am at a loss right now as we are going through a breakup.

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@nic123 your description exactly matches what I was going through. It totally hijacked my body. How bad did your fights get? I have come to this realization that i need to quit now but I fear it is too late for my marriage. 

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@joeshmoOur fights got very ugly at times.   It was so hard to comprehend how much our relationship changed.  When we were a young couple with three little kids and both of us with full time jobs, there was a retired couple that lived next door.   They were constantly barking, bickering and yelling at each other and we could hear them from our bedroom.  It was awkward and sad and funny at times but the main thing was that we could never imaging behaving like they did.  Yet we ended up much worse once adderall came into the picture.

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@joeshmo I was with my husband for 14 years married 4. Our fights were not good this last 1 1/2 of our marriage. When Adderall came into the picture, he was more confrontational and aggressive this last year. He claims his medicine helped him become more vocal about things and he was speaking up for himself in the relationship. There was zero accountability and if there was it was expressed through angry rants. Or admitted them, but did nothing to address them. 

He doesn’t seem to think spending $800  a month on pot wax, cigarettes and 5 hour energies was an issue in a marriage. He didn’t seem to think his addictions had zero impact on our marriage. There may also be a hereditary mental illness involved, but that is currently undiagnosed. His Adderall to him was a godsend. Super confidence, (super ego) weight loss and focus. But I saw what it was doing to him. He didn’t care because according to him too many pros outweighed the cons. 

I walked on eggshells.Started picking a choosing my battles because the rants were so exhausting and outrageous at times. Some of them literally made me question my own sanity because he would say off the wall things or things that were blatantly not true or completely incorrect.  I dealt with almost daily morning rants and there was barley an interaction between us. He would ruin my mornings. He would say thing like finding someone else than have to deal with relationship issues. He turned into something else.  Here is a link to my story if your interested. Its long and detailed.

http://forum.quittingadderall.com/forums/topic/4301-did-husband-leave-marriage-because-of-his-adderall/#comment-31787

After he left a few weeks later he signed up on dating websites and posted some pretty shitty bios like no pets even though he absolute loved his dogs, he was already divorce when we were not even 2 months in and how he is looking to knock up somebody fertile. All while I was trying to save the marriage. Not sure why when you look at the situation paper or a computer screen, but I was.  His empathy was gone. The person I knew was gone. But it seem to me his intellect was gone. He is destroying one of his greatest assets.

I asked to him a few days ago after no phone conversation for about 5 months. I asked him how he was doing and if this really what he wanted. He said he wasn’t happy with his life, marriage or at work. He thought he would have a family by now. But he said he wasn’t really any happier after he left.  I asked him if this is what he wanted and I didn’t get a yes or a no answer. 

However we are at the point of divorcing in the next few weeks. I don’t have high hopes for my story, but you may have time to save your marriage. You need to acknowledge and apologize if you want to save your marriage. Apologize to yourself as well. This can help stop the damage you are creating.  It can be hard because I’m sure there are things that bother you that she does.  But addiction is a big deal and very hard on a marriage. Adderall addiction is very brutal to a marriage. You do need to have accountability for your actions and your words. I think that helps with a sincere apology. Get off that life wrecker of a medication before it does more damage to your life and character, your too good for that pill. Everyone is too good for it. And anytime you think about that pill just remember what you have become due to ”all your solutions in a little pill”.

I’m praying that you are able to recover yourself and your marriage. 

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@nic123 thank you so much for your story and suggestions, that helps so much. Yes, I think the mornings were like a withdrawal feeling for me too. I had some really bad mornings. 

Now that I have admitted to the world (& everyone here) that I am addicted its like I have a new perspective on the past. I look back on moments and its like Im just a viewer in the memory now and I'm looking at myself instead of just being me and looking at the world. Its like my body was hijacked. I dont like the person I am seeing in those memories now. 

I am committed to being off Adderall. I havent taken that shitty pill for 8 days. Its been incredibly hard. I am depressed and keep reaching in my pocket like its there. My brain wants it so bad but it has completely screwed up my life. I cant take it anymore after what its done to me. 

This forum really helps. Thank you for your comments and encouragement. 

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17 hours ago, joeshmo said:

Now that I have admitted to the world (& everyone here) that I am addicted its like I have a new perspective on the past. I look back on moments and its like Im just a viewer in the memory now and I'm looking at myself instead of just being me and looking at the world. Its like my body was hijacked. I dont like the person I am seeing in those memories now. 

this is a very powerful perspective. it's actually an exercise typically conducted in rehab. they tell you to write down all the terrible things you've done to people (or in general), but without context or trying to justify it. "i cheated on my wife"  vs "i cheated on my wife.. because i felt etc etc".  when you step back and look at this list from a sober lens, it's pretty shocking.

congrats on 8 days man, that's awesome! i hope that you're able to save your marriage, but ultimately quitting is for you (:

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