LiberatedMind

Been 100% clean 7 MONTHS, but now I have immense cravings!!!

19 posts in this topic

Last time I had Adderall was in July 2018, didn't even touch it once since then.  Over the last two weeks, I cannot rid myself of the cravings to take it.  And today, I know that if it were in front of me right now, I would take it without a doubt.  I am contemplating getting it.  I am freaking out here, because I know I shouldn't.  What the hell are these sudden cravings?  What's going on?!

 

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do you know what your triggers are? the subtle vs obvious ones? maybe something has happened recently that's thrown off your subconscious?

go back and READ YOUR OLD POSTS! 

"I want my mind back.  This is taking my inner spirit out.  My inner fire.  I feel like a zombie, occasionally animated.  I need to stop."

and remember... it will won't be different this time. it will never be different.

 

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@LiberatedMind I agree with @sleepystupid go back and look at your old posts. But frankly it sounds to me like perhaps you just didn’t suffer enough while you were using... Hate to sound so negative, but a lot of us long time users at 7 months off were still realing on so many fronts that the thought of going back to the hell of using was far from our minds. Good luck to you, hope you decide to weather the current storm.

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@LiberatedMind I’m going through something similar right now. I was on a pretty good streak and then I got hit hard by a wave of depression and cravings. (I’m at 9 1/2 months). 

Having thoughts about using just seems to happen sometimes, what you do with them is on you. Stay away from people and places that will tempt you while you are weak. Do some soul searching and figure out why you want to use right now. There is no dysfunction drug addiction won’t make worse.

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At months 7-9 after quitting I definitely went through similar cravings. It was the depression and anxiety that triggered it but I didn’t cave and things got better by month 12 because it was a major milestone. Remember, the first year is brutal. There is no way around it, just know that it is normal and it will get better but only if you DO NOT get back on Adderall, nothing good will come of that. Make no mistake, this is the most challenging thing you will ever go through. Stay strong and don’t get Adderall.

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I’m approaching two years clean. I relapsed around 14 months for a month then again around 18 months for a month and a half. All I did was take me ten steps back. Ten steps I worked really hard for while sober. I stopped showing up for work to a job I worked really hard to get. I stopped working out at the gym. I was staying up too late. It didn’t help me in any way when I relapsed. Don’t do the same. 

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I found my trigger.  I feel like my life is bland, and empty.  Not exciting.  Nothing is happening.  Things are un-enjoyable, I am bored.  Daily grind, everything is boring.  Even dates feel stupid to me.  Sex is boring.  Don't really feel like doing anything.  I am feeling lazy in general, my focus on little projects I set for myself has gone all over the place.

This is exactly the reason I decided to quit.  Because I wanted to live life and enjoy things, and I felt Adderall was taking that option away from me.  And here I am 7 months later, feeling the same.  I am not very objective right now though, because I am looking at my life through the lens of "You are bored!  Want to make things exciting and fun?  Take Adderall!".. 

Maybe this is just who I am, and the person whom I default to and I just placed the blame on Adderall? 

My mind is not very balanced at the moment.  I am constantly searching for justifications to obtain it. 

I also do not like dealing with certain aspects of myself, and Adderall is an escape for me.  I admit this.  I try to be as honest with myself as possible, even when I am making bad decisions.

I do have some relief expressing my frustration and challenges here, and I appreciate all your support.  I really do.  I am not trying to ride a pity train here, I just need an outlet to express myself.

And I know myself well enough that when I reach this stage of contemplation (i.e. "yes, no, yes, no, yes, no" to getting Adderall) eventually it just turns into a hard yes.  I know this because it happened probably well over 25 times already.  The only way to not do it is not to think about it, that's how I quit cigarettes.  Something is different about Adderall addiciton though.  Cigarettes were literally a "habit addiction", I only smoked them because I was used to smoking them.  I get zero cravings for them anymore, I hate cigarettes now (I smoked 10 years, and quit 5 years ago).  Adderall seems to touch upon my inner self, something much deeper, I almost feel like I cannot connect to certain parts of myself without it. 

It does give me some relief to express myself here.  I hope to be as strong as everyone else here, I am not feeling very strong at the moment. 

 

 

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57 minutes ago, LiberatedMind said:

I found my trigger.  I feel like my life is bland, and empty.  Not exciting.  Nothing is happening.  Things are un-enjoyable, I am bored.  Daily grind, everything is boring.  Even dates feel stupid to me.  Sex is boring.  Don't really feel like doing anything.  I am feeling lazy in general, my focus on little projects I set for myself has gone all over the place.

This is exactly the reason I decided to quit.  Because I wanted to live life and enjoy things, and I felt Adderall was taking that option away from me.  And here I am 7 months later, feeling the same.  I am not very objective right now though, because I am looking at my life through the lens of "You are bored!  Want to make things exciting and fun?  Take Adderall!".

 

The word for what you are experiencing is Anhedonia.  It is a classic symptom that we all experience during Adderall recovery.  It will pass.  Keep up the fight.  Summer is coming soon! 

 

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LiberatedMind,

I feel for you. I am 3 months into recovery and the anhedonia is absolutely crippling. Occasionally a day will be presented to me where I’m not so miserable. All we can hope for is more days like this to come...

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LiberatedMind. Your first paragraph discribes me perfectly right now. I’m almost 8 months adderall free. I’m slowly making progress with anxiety and depression. They seem to come in waves which come and go. The first 3 months were horrible. I won’t go through the details but I had to quit my job. 

Surprisingly I never really had anhedonia probably because I was so anxious and depressed. As I’m getting better this is now my most pronounced symptom. I’ve literally have not done anything all day except you tube. It took effort just to finish reading your post.I know logically what to do to combat this like exercise but this is such a crippling sensation. I know this is part of the healing process but I have completely underestimated how bad anhedonia can be.

Fortunately I have a complete fear of adderall and the pain it’s cost me. That level of anxiety and depression I had is something I never want to experience again. I much rather be bored and lazy then relieve that nightmare.

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On 2/21/2019 at 8:28 AM, LiberatedMind said:

I found my trigger.  I feel like my life is bland, and empty.  Not exciting.  Nothing is happening.  Things are un-enjoyable, I am bored.  Daily grind, everything is boring.  Even dates feel stupid to me.  Sex is boring.  Don't really feel like doing anything.  I am feeling lazy in general, my focus on little projects I set for myself has gone all over the place.

This is exactly the reason I decided to quit. Because I wanted to live life and enjoy things, and I felt Adderall was taking that option away from me. 

so how would returning to Adderall solve anything? you already know what the result is! your urge to use is COMPLETELY irrational by your own admission - don't let the drug do the talking and deciding for you!

 

On 2/21/2019 at 8:28 AM, LiberatedMind said:

Adderall seems to touch upon my inner self, something much deeper, I almost feel like I cannot connect to certain parts of myself without it.

i think most of us can relate - i was always the drug "sage" of my circles, always able to handle my shit, never got addicted to anything .... until Adderall. that shit changes you. those parts of yourself that you feel disconnected from will come back with time.

i'll admit, there are some things that i simply don't enjoy anymore that i used to love on Adderall. i'm willing to accept that speed may have poisoned those things for me, but maybe i've just outgrown them as well. maybe its a combination of both?  ... but i'm okay with that so long as Adderall doesn't poison me. i can still enjoy new things and experiences that Adderall has never touched.

i recall that your usage was very closely entwined with sexual activity - that's certainly a tricky one, but i definitely relate. i had a serious masturbation problem on Adderall, i thought my sex life would be ruined for the rest of my life. i'm happy to report it's quite healthy now! just give it some time and patience. (:

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On 2/21/2019 at 7:28 AM, LiberatedMind said:

I found my trigger.  I feel like my life is bland, and empty.  Not exciting.  Nothing is happening.  Things are un-enjoyable, I am bored.  Daily grind, everything is boring.  Even dates feel stupid to me.  Sex is boring.  Don't really feel like doing anything.  I am feeling lazy in general, my focus on little projects I set for myself has gone all over the place.

This is exactly the reason I decided to quit.  Because I wanted to live life and enjoy things, and I felt Adderall was taking that option away from me.  And here I am 7 months later, feeling the same.  I am not very objective right now though, because I am looking at my life through the lens of "You are bored!  Want to make things exciting and fun?  Take Adderall!".. 

Maybe this is just who I am, and the person whom I default to and I just placed the blame on Adderall? 

My mind is not very balanced at the moment.  I am constantly searching for justifications to obtain it. 

I also do not like dealing with certain aspects of myself, and Adderall is an escape for me.  I admit this.  I try to be as honest with myself as possible, even when I am making bad decisions.

I do have some relief expressing my frustration and challenges here, and I appreciate all your support.  I really do.  I am not trying to ride a pity train here, I just need an outlet to express myself.

And I know myself well enough that when I reach this stage of contemplation (i.e. "yes, no, yes, no, yes, no" to getting Adderall) eventually it just turns into a hard yes.  I know this because it happened probably well over 25 times already.  The only way to not do it is not to think about it, that's how I quit cigarettes.  Something is different about Adderall addiciton though.  Cigarettes were literally a "habit addiction", I only smoked them because I was used to smoking them.  I get zero cravings for them anymore, I hate cigarettes now (I smoked 10 years, and quit 5 years ago).  Adderall seems to touch upon my inner self, something much deeper, I almost feel like I cannot connect to certain parts of myself without it. 

It does give me some relief to express myself here.  I hope to be as strong as everyone else here, I am not feeling very strong at the moment. 

 

 

The first reason it feels this way is because adderall fried your reward system. It’ll be like this for a few years. 

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On 2/22/2019 at 11:01 PM, SeanW said:

The first reason it feels this way is because adderall fried your reward system. It’ll be like this for a few years. 

 

Will it really take a few years?  I do not like this, not one bit.

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3 hours ago, LiberatedMind said:

 

Will it really take a few years?  I do not like this, not one bit.

I don’t remember your useage but the more you binged and used extremely high dosages the more it was neurotic and fried your neurons. If you stayed within a reasonable dosage your system is depleted but not so much damaged. I spent my last year of use taking 80-150 and sometimes up to 200 a day which is severely neurotoxic. I’ll be at two years clean next month and I’ve had a lot of improvement this second year. I can see by the end of year three I believe I’ll be in prettt good shape.

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On 3/14/2019 at 3:44 PM, SeanW said:

I don’t remember your useage but the more you binged and used extremely high dosages the more it was neurotic and fried your neurons. If you stayed within a reasonable dosage your system is depleted but not so much damaged. I spent my last year of use taking 80-150 and sometimes up to 200 a day which is severely neurotoxic. I’ll be at two years clean next month and I’ve had a lot of improvement this second year. I can see by the end of year three I believe I’ll be in prettt good shape.

I want to cheer you up...Studies show adderall isn't neurotoxic until doses around 1 gram

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Unfortunately there comes a point in time when we all discover that this addiction is no longer sustainable. Returning to adderrall will just make things worse. I know that you know that, however tempting taking adderrall may seem at the time. Recently I relapsed after a 2 month break and although the euphoria returned initially, within a fortnight I was taking an even higher dose than I had been before I’d quit, just to get out of bed. My depression over these past months has been crippling as I’d constantly Exceed my dose and have to experience AWS on a weekly basis. Don’t let this be you. 

Ive found some relief from the small life changes I’m starting to make. I have recently got into yoga and using free YouTube videos to practice at home. I’m also looking at learning Spanish with books from the library and have downloaded the meet up app in the hope of joining some clubs. Is there some hobbies or activities you think you might enjoy that could take your mind off these recent adderrall cravings and possibility change your outlook? I know it’s not an instant cure but it might help ease the suffering if you can pick up new interests that you don’t associate with Adderrall. 

 

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Find a new addiction, go to the gym.  Studies show for meth addicts(yes, meth is neuro toxic but it works in a similar manner) recover roughly around 3x faster with cardio! (You can find the study on my reddit post) It will also alleviate the nasty withdraws, depression, anxiety...etc  

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Hi @LiberatedMind - I'm new around here and came across this thread.  Just wanted to share my support to not relapse, you don't want to work backwards on all of the great progress you've made!  If you're anything like me, the forbidden fruit is the most sweet, but gives you the shits once you eat it (the last bit was my spin!)

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