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DrewK15

Anatomy of a Relapse

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I had a rough day. No Adderall or alcohol relapse, but I smoked cigarettes for the first time in almost a year. Slipping back into any harmful addiction hurts. Even if only for a day.

A couple weeks ago I was watching a TV show where smoking was glamorized, attractive people unwinding after a hard day over cigs and conversation. For whatever reason I was triggered. Suddenly a cigarette was going to be the solution to my stress, and I don’t even really like them. Fantasy of wonderful relapse is a lie. 3 cigs in and I’m done, the pack is in the trash. My throat hurts, I have a headache, I’m paranoid that I smell bad, I lied to someone, I feel shame (it’s crazy how much my conscience has returned).

I’m glad I didn’t go back to Adderall this time. Once you’re in recovery the only way out of your pain is forward. It won’t be different next time. Lesson learned...again.

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10 hours ago, DrewK15 said:

My throat hurts, I have a headache, I’m paranoid that I smell bad, I lied to someone, I feel shame (it’s crazy how much my conscience has returned).

yea.. when i relapsed last year (Adderall), it was an entire month of lying, hiding, hoping people didn't notice, more lying, throw in an emotional breakdown for good measure. 

it was not different that time.

major props for handling 3 addictions like a boss. alcohol and cigarettes are TOUGH, cause they're in your face everywhere you go. i suppose i'm proud of quitting cigarettes (its been about a year), but honestly i have the Wellbutrin to thank for that, so i don't really give myself any credit lol.

stay strong friend! (:

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I am heavily addicted to cigarettes (pack a day) and EXTREME amounts of caffeine daily (10 cups of coffee), but I really don't feel like I am too worried about it because it is helping me stay off Adderall/amphetamine. I have started to decrease the amount of cigarettes I smoke, my goal is to get down to two or maybe one per day, so that I can enjoy them long term (because honestly I love it so much and don't want to stop) without health problems. It seems like people who get lung diseases from cigarettes are smoking a pack a day for like several decades. I think I can avoid health problems because my goal is to only smoke one per day and I order pounds of unprocessed tobacco leaf with no additives (yes, pounds. It'll last me a year, and it's incredibly cheap), and I roll my own. But typically I don't use a filter and I feel like if I want to avoid health problems I should definitely buy some filters.

Fun fact: 90% of schizophrenics smoke! Idk what that's about. But I'm schizophrenic so it makes sense.

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1 hour ago, Clavicula said:

I am heavily addicted to cigarettes (pack a day) and EXTREME amounts of caffeine daily (10 cups of coffee), but I really don't feel like I am too worried about it because it is helping me stay off Adderall/amphetamine. I have started to decrease the amount of cigarettes I smoke, my goal is to get down to two or maybe one per day, so that I can enjoy them long term (because honestly I love it so much and don't want to stop) without health problems. It seems like people who get lung diseases from cigarettes are smoking a pack a day for like several decades. I think I can avoid health problems because my goal is to only smoke one per day and I order pounds of unprocessed tobacco leaf with no additives (yes, pounds. It'll last me a year, and it's incredibly cheap), and I roll my own. But typically I don't use a filter and I feel like if I want to avoid health problems I should definitely buy some filters.

Fun fact: 90% of schizophrenics smoke! Idk what that's about. But I'm schizophrenic so it makes sense.

Yep, I smoke too. Started around the time I had a psychotic break and just kept smoking. It’s been about two years now. The psychotic break is what helped me quit adderall because the psychosis was adderall induced but after a year clean I was still battling paranoi and dillusions so I got medical help and lots of therapy. It’s like the amphetamines either triggered a predisposition for schiz or my drug induced psychosis just became lasting. 

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I needed to read this thread.  I've been thinking about how I would really like to enjoy a cig now and then, if only I could use them responsibly.  I know I can't do that.  Damn, eight years after my last cig and I still desire them.  It's funny, but I have to take my cigarette abstinence one day at a time, whereas with Adderall, it's just FUCK ADDERALL!

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