Prila

Ashamed and depressed

2 posts in this topic

I’ve been reading everyone’s stories and I am so grateful for finding this site because it’s helped me feel less alone. 

I have been taking adderall on and off for about 2 years. 7 months ago I quit for 2 months because my boyfriend noticed that it was really screwing with my depression and causing extreme bipolar episodes. I started taking it again because I wanted to control my weight and it made me less bored and more productive at work. I have a really low dose prescription- 10mg 2x/day, but I was probably taking about 30-40mg/day and running out of it before it was time to refill. I never told my boyfriend that I started taking it again, but have had episodes of psychosis, mania, paranoia and such extreme lows that I don’t even know how to make myself feel better anymore. 

I have completely isolated myself and lost interest in everything that I used to enjoy. The idea of going out and being in social situations is so terrifying that I spend most of my days in voluntary solitary confinement, completely uninterested in other people and connecting with anyone. 

My only saving grace is my boyfriend who I live with that loves me through my crazy, but I know that I can’t tell him that I started taking adderall again. 

About two days ago I just had enough and flushed the rest of my prescription- I had done this about a month ago as well, flushing around two weeks worth of pills down the toilet. I was feeling suicidal both times and like I didn’t even know who I was anymore. This time it feels like it has to be the end of this shit, but I feel so alone because no one knows that I take it and I have iced out pretty much everyone in my life.  

I am so ashamed that I let this happen to me and the amount of self hatred I feel is overwhelming. 

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hi @Prila

first of all, good job on flushing those pills (again)! i don't think i ever had the courage to do that (instead i'd just binge them to the brink of death).

we know very well those feelings of loneliness and shame - welcome to the forums. you're in the right place (:

it's awesome that you have your boyfriend as a pillar of support, but he can only help if he knows you're serious about recovery this time, right? why carry that guilt with you? and let's be honest - he probably knows you've been on Adderall again. it's super obvious even though we try hard to hide it.

make this time count. tell him. tell your doctor. cut off your supply. make a plan to get through work. it's not going to be easy, but in a year or so you're going to look back and thank God that you fixed your life.

stay close to the forums and keep us updated (:

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