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DrewK15

Optimism

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I need to talk something out. Anyone else experience and now miss the unshakable optimism that came along with Adderall use? I mean, it was irrational and kept me in my use pattern, but always believing things were going to work out for me was a nice effect. A month ago I interviewed for and was given an offer for a corporate finance job. Great pay, benefits, and it would have allowed me to move out of my folks’ place pretty much immediately. But then I failed the background check. My pending bankruptcy was a red flag I was going to be a loose cannon on the job. Basically my past haunted me in a big way. Now I’m still crashing with my family, trying to figure out what to do next one year into this recovery. It’s really tough to believe things are going to work themselves out in times like this. I’ll keep pressing on. I don’t have much optimism, but I do have a little bit of hope and I’ll hold on to that for now.

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Adderall gives you false optimism and confidence. I miss that feeling all the time but I know it’s not natural. We are designed to live with some fear and anxiety because it helps us survive. Without Adderall I find optimism by reminding myself that none of the stuff I worry about really matters in the end. I trust that everything will be ok no matter what happens because it will be. Just don’t get back in Adderall, that’s not the answer.

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Adderall did not give me optimism. Just the opposite.  It created an uncertain future knowing I would have to quit that unsustainable addiction and that I was mortgaging my future health and well being by continuing my addiction.  I had a greater sense of optimism, even a few days after quitting, than I ever did while being a slave to Adderall. 

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I found the intense feeling of pessimism experienced during the crash far outweighed any of the short term feelings of false optimism. I think we all end up paying the price heavily for our yrs of abuse but the real optimism lies in knowing that things will eventually improve now that we are on the right track. I’ve been reminding myself about this a lot lately as I know my current work performance in this early recovery phase could cost me my job also.

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@DrewK15 I’m sure it feels crappy to have been dinged on the background check. Instead of associating it with further consequences  of your Adderall use days, I would try to look at it as a blessing in disguise. At a year out I doubt it would be the right time to put yourself into a corporate finance job. It’s so tempting to want to blast back to success. But getting ahead of yourself will only slow you down in n the long run. Find something part-time and progressively increase your stress tolerance and overall “stamina”. Like has been said before; have faith that doing the right things will lead to success. It will. So many years of instant gratification fueled by popping stimulate pills makes it difficult to accept that true accomplishments take time. Good luck and keep up the fight! 

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Thank you all for your responses and encouragement. I was having a moment when I wrote this post. The first couple weeks after hitting one year have been tough on my patience. It’s easy to feel like I should be further along, but it took me 4 years to get into this mess and it’s going to take some more time to get out. 

I’m at peace about losing that job opportunity. It did turn out to be bad timing. I still need to work on my confidence and belief I can function in the real world after spending the last year focused on recovery. 

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