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growingupistheworst

All out.... so here we go!

7 posts in this topic

I'm a 29 year old, female and was prescribed ritalin when I was 15 for ADHD. Classic story - it helped my grades improve, social life, I felt like I could do everything... I remember thinking that I need to figure out how to stay on this forever! Fast forward to 22, I was living in a big city and working a crazy job and abusing my script. Eventually, when I was 25 I quit my job and that's when things got dark. I was taking so much and drinking 1-2 bottles of wine every night to help me come down. I was in enough pain that I went to AA and stayed sober off everything for 2.5 years. I left the program because I didn't totally identify as an alcoholic and struggled with some of the rigidness of the program. I'm so grateful I went but after awhile I felt like I kind of got what I needed and wanted to try drinking again. My drinking hasn't been a problem until last year when I decided to play the ADHD card and get back on vyvanse. I took it as prescribed for 5 months and then when work got crazy I started double dosing and here we are. I've tried it all - giving the pills to my boyfriend, buying a lock box, ect. but I always find a way to get more. I officially told my doctor, therapist and boyfriend that I need to get off this shit, so now we're at day 1. Yesterday, I called out of work to take 3 vyvanse and drink a bunch of wine as my last "hurrah".... today I feel like absolute shit but i'm at work and trying to do as little as possible. I don't want to go back to 12-step because I don't want to be abstinent from everything. I'm hoping my drinking will get better when I'm not fucking high all the time. Fortunately, I work at a school and summer break is in 2 weeks, so I'll be able to sleep and get healthy again. My boyfriend has been INCREDIBLE and I have no idea how I got so lucky. My therapist also suggested meeting twice a week over the summer. I know I have the supports but I'm scared that I'll fall apart and turn into a vegetable. I definitely want to stay close to this forum because reading everyone's stories has helped me so much already. Any advice, suggestions or good vibes are appreciated :)

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@growingupistheworst welcome to the forums, you’re making the right decision to get off of the Vyvanse. I want to hop in and encourage you to get off of alcohol again, at least in the early stages of your quit. Regardless of whether or not you identify as an alcoholic, you have a history of problem drinking and seem to be a person who copes with negative emotions by using alcohol/drugs. I also told myself my drinking would get better when I quit Vyvanse, but it only got worse. You’re going to feel depressed for a while, and the temptation to drink more and more will be strong. I don’t mean to be harsh or tell you what to do; I just don’t want you to go down the same path of destruction that I did. Be honest with yourself and use this as an opportunity to take steps in the direction of a better life.

Keep checking in, if you took a triple dose of Vyvanse yesterday it’s most likely not completely out of your system yet. Stay strong and good luck.

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@DrewK15 Thanks for your reply. I'll try to stop alcohol for awhile, but the idea of completely giving up both right now is making me incredibly anxious. Trying to focus on one thing at a time, but I appreciate you sharing your experience. At my worst I was taking 3 40mg vyvanse over the course of a day. It sounds like it didn't get as bad as others stories on here, but it was only going to get worse and no way to live.  I'll keep checking in, today has been totally shit and I feel so guilty and so much shame for not being productive at work. I'm planning a large event tomorrow, but the tasks aren't too difficult and I know being busy will keep me out of my screwed up head! I just need my school year to end ASAP so I can sleep forever. I'll be out two weeks from today and I honestly don't know how I'm going to make it.

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Day 2 and I'm feeling actually pretty good! I went to bed at 8pm last night and got 10 hours of sleep. I woke up in a complete sweat and felt like I had the flu but it passed by the time I got to work. I had a meeting this morning at 7:30am and I was functioning like a normal human and able to carry on a conversation without fucking word salad coming out of my mouth. I'm tired and a kind of shakey (too much caffeine?...) and don't totally feel like myself but I'm honestly doing much better than I thought I would (I mean yesterday was a fucking shit show) I wanted to post so that I can have this as a reference. Also i downloaded a sobriety tracker called "I am Sober" and it's pretty cool. Anyone else feel kinda shakey or have night sweats?

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22 hours ago, growingupistheworst said:

I'm tired and a kind of shakey (too much caffeine?...) and don't totally feel like myself but I'm honestly doing much better than I thought I would (I mean yesterday was a fucking shit show) I wanted to post so that I can have this as a reference. Also i downloaded a sobriety tracker called "I am Sober" and it's pretty cool. Anyone else feel kinda shakey or have night sweats?

ah yes. the jittery, shaky feeling was the worst because for me it went hand in hand with the word salad. not only do you physically shake on the outside (tremors are very common during the acute recovery phase) but you also feel shaky on the inside which a weird chemical feeling.

i had tons of night sweats and hot flashes when abusing, but those seemed to disappear rather quickly once the amphetamine was cleared from my system.

i agree with @DrewK15 regarding the alcohol, but i think it may self-correct itself anyway. at least in the next couple of weeks, it won't have the buzz it had before. drinking will probably just make you feel tired and incapacitated. you definitely don't need help falling asleep in the short-run, but the danger lies past the first month or so when many people begin to experience insomnia. it's weird how it flips, but it eventually happens and this is when you'll be the most tempted to start drinking.

plan out the next couple of weeks carefully - you'll be fine. i'd also suggest planning something to keep you engaged (or even just distracted) during the summer. lying around at home will do you no favors.

gl and keep us posted! (:

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I agree distraction is key  @sleepystupid. Although you will want to do nothing! The only thing worse than feeling exhausted mid day for me is realizing I did nothing at all. At first I could barely function. I felt like I had to re learn all of my habits. This sounds cheesy but journaling helps. I write down each task and cross it off even if it’s ridiculous. Supposedly, that helps your brain naturally release dopamine. The game from now on is self discipline... I’ve yet to feel much motivation. ThAts even hard to talk about because I miss that so much!  it gets better each day in different ways..the times I do feel great and I know it’s all me is priceless. Anyways hope your feeling ok today and hang in there!

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Day 5, i feel like a garbage person. I've slept nearly all weekend and ate a bag of Milanos cookies. Scared that this will be my life forever! I know I need structure this summer. I'm a runner, although haven't run in past few months, so I'm going to train for a race with my old running club to give me some accountability and motivation. Today though I feel like a garbage person and scared I'll never have true energy again. 

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