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Clavicula

Relapse binge after over a month.

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I got two poetry books published recently and had another publisher solicit me to write a third for them. I also wanted to start a novel. So I fell into the trap of thinking I needed stims to be productive and got a pack of inhalers from Walgreens. I have felt truly in hell these past few days. It doesn't help that I am weaning off my antipsychotic medication to live a chemical free life. Anxious, psychotic, manic, depressed, all at the same time. I need to do exactly what my previous plan that helped me be sober says, that I bailed on. It was: go to church and pray every day and do Jungian journalling. I don't want to do AA. It feels like a cult to me. Feel really shitty right now. But angels kept coming to me these past few days and told me to trust that I will have the resolve in time.

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sounds like a lot of positive things happening in your life right now! FWIW, i too manage to turn positive things into stressful things, such that those types of temptations can come to the surface.

it is as you say a trap - you knew what the result was going to be, but maybe the underlying problem is that you didn't have enough confidence in yourself to deliver on your writing commitments? it sounds like religion is hugely important and helpful to you, which is great! but don't let that replace addressing the confidence thing, because you are a great writer, you just need some wins without stimulants to really know that (:

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