44 Days / Breaking Down A Task 101

[CosmiKitten]

Hey everyone!

I'm proud to say I still haven't taken any adderall since 2010!

I have been having a rough go at it, to be honest. The first month kind of few by because I had two bouts of illnesses - one a stomach flu and one a cold.

When I had the stomach flu, I was really grateful to not be on adderall, I think I would have assumed I was dying. But when I had the cold, I really missed it, because it was even harder to get through work. But to be honest, after my cold subsided, it just meant my work days were easier. Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? In fact, I kind of suspect that going off the adderall made me more susceptible to getting sick, since I felt so terribly tired and run down.

I had so many days off in January due to the holiday, snow days, comp days, and it has helped make it a little easier. But a five day week does feel rough.

I just don't care at work much anymore.. As I feared it turns out I am not passionate about this job. Luckily I don't have to be, because there is not much to do there. I spend a lot of time on the one news website we are allowed to go to, along with other multiple ways of slacking off. Just like everyone else who works there. I have a lot more compassion for my coworkers now. I used to be disgusted with the fact that they didn't try to keep themselves busy, or would complain constantly about the job. While I don't like to hear the complaining, I now completely understand the suffering of waiting for those hours to pass, and having very little interest in "making work" for onesself.

I do keep messing up a lot though, both at work and in my personal life. For the past couple weeks, its really been taking its toll on me. I get nothing done, its true, My Life Is Really Falling Apart Around Me!! I've lost my house keys, my debit card, and my credit card. I am spending way too much money. I don't get things done that are really quite important (like changing the PCP on my insurance so that I don't get charged for the appointment that i ALREADY had). In fact, I forget a lot of what I'm supposed to do half the time. I tried using an "assignment book", but that was short lived (three days) because I didn't complete half the stuff I wrote down to do (and believe me, I set the standards reaaaallly lowww).

I'm starting to accept the fact that I will never be the kind of person that is constantly productive, because this is something I never learned in the first place. Growing up, I didn't have to tie up my own loose ends, ever, and I attribute this to 90 percent of my ADD. I never had any chores, never did dishes, laundry, or take the trash out. Had my own pets but they were taken care of for me. Somehow managed to graduate highschool by doing maybe 5 percent of my homework. If I left a drawer or cabinet open (which I do without fail, every day) my mother would close it for me. I am not kidding.

So I am used to having all these hours of "me time", which usually involve sitting and doing nothing and some kind of media, like internet, tv, or video games (SOO MANY VIDEO GAMES), or just staring into space and daydreaming (entire hours have passed that I have spent day dreaming and not even realized it!) Giving this time up to be productive is hard. Wah, I know, life SOOO hard, cry me a river, right? But growing up spoiled really has spoiled me... and its a combination of not being willing, but also just not knowing HOW to go about staying on top of my life.

I do go through very productive phases however, usually when I'm in a great mood I can get a lot of cleaning and organizing done (God forbid any work should be slightly boring right? I must only be in the happiest and giddiest of moods to do anything productive!! Thats a mindset I have to get rid of). The next day I will think "Wonderful! I have done a great job!" and do nothing for the next week. Then the tasks are piled up in front of me again, and they all seem so overwhelming.

One thing, and possibly the One Good Thing that Adderall has Taught me, is how to break down a task.

The first time I took adderall, I was maybe 18 years old. I was living and working with my mother (probably wouldn't have gotten a job without her help..). Anyway, my room was trashed. And it had been trashed for possibly three years. It was the one thing my mother didn't to do for me (although she did come in and pick up my laundry, wherever i left it... sigh). And I wanted to clean it so bad. I thought about it every single day. It depressed and overwhelmed me. The truth was, I DIDN'T KNOW HOW.

One night I had spent the evening at a friends house, and they had adderall, and gave me a ten mg dose for the way home. "Chew it," my friend said "It will make you feel great."

So I took it shortly after leaving my friends house the next morning. On the bus ride home, I started to feel amazing. I also felt like the constant cloud of confusion that I always felt in my brain was lifting. Suddenly, I had things that I wanted to do, and I knew how to do them!

I started cleaning my room right away when I got home. But the task went from:

-Clean room

to:

-Get trash bag from under sink and bring it into bedroom

-Put trash in bedroom into trashbag

-Put trashbag in hallway in case more trash is found later

-Pick up all clothes and put them into hamper

-Put all Books on Bookshelf

-Put all Papers in Pile

-Some things belong in other rooms. Put bathroom objects in a bathroom pile, livingroom objects in another, etc.

-Return items to their rightful places

-For each surface, temporarily move objects to wipe down surfaces, and replace objects afterward

-Remove remaining objects from floor, and sweep floor

-File away pile of papers

(Of course, my mom realized something was up with me when I was doing this and also talking a mile a minute. She asked, are you on speed? lol. I denied it but weeks later I told her "Yes mom, i was on an ADD medication. It obviously works for me and I obviously have ADD. I am going to ask my psychiatrist for it next time we go. And voila).

So Adderall taught me to think this way, to look at big projects and break them down. Obiously, this is much harder to do without adderall, and that is where the weight of living comes in. We all have to do things we aren't motivated to do, but knowing how to break down a task makes it easier.

Honestly, even something like doing the dishes overwhelms me if I don't think of it in terms of small task. To get started, I literally have to say, What first? Oh, first I have to put the dry dishes in the strainer away. Now I have to turn on the water. Now I have to put soap in the sponge. Because if I tell myself "I have to go do the dishes now", this feels like a very, very heavy burden to me. But putting the dry dishes away isn't so hard, and neither is turning on the water or wetting the sponge.

This may seem insane to people who have been cleaning and doing dishes all their life. But after telling myself "Clean room, Do Dishes" a billion times and not getting it done, breaking a billion promises to myself, I realize now I can't keep going through the cycle of beating myself up because I'm scatterbrained. I have to accomadate to how I operate. I have to take on, to start, only what I know I can get done, and I have to break it down in a way that makes me understand immediately how I'm going to do it, lest I get distracted or overwhelmed.

And Coffee. Loottss of coffee.

Talk to you guys soon <3

[LILTEX41]

Great post and topic! It's been so long since I've been on adderall now that I almost forgot how it worked. You are so right on with cleaning the bedroom 101. I've been laying around on my couch for 2 days now and the most I feel like doing is getting up to eat and doing the basic necessities. I don't know what my problem is this week. I love being on the computer and watching t.v. I NEVER used to watch tv or movies on adderall. There was always way too many tasks that needed to be done and I couldn't wait to do them once I had my pills refilled.

Now, these tasks seem overwhelming. I know it will get better with time and I'm totally going to use your breaking down a task 101 post to help get me motivated. You're doing great by the way!

Erin

[notatest]

Thank you, Cosmikitten.

 

I am going to print the list. I avoid these things because I do not know where to start.

 

There should be a list like this for everything. There are steps to brushing teeth. I have an assortment of toothpastes, many ordered from Amazon or found at health food stores, because regular toothpaste has glycerin which will coat your teeth preventing remineralization.

But I am exhausted trying to avoid all the "less than perfect" products, out there. That I would not have researched, obsessively, if not for Adderall

It is crazy. Adderall has actually complicated my life.

[Doge]

 

-Get trash bag from under sink and bring it into bedroom

-Put trash in bedroom into trashbag

-Put trashbag in hallway in case more trash is found later

-Pick up all clothes and put them into hamper

-Put all Books on Bookshelf

-Put all Papers in Pile

-Some things belong in other rooms. Put bathroom objects in a bathroom pile, livingroom objects in another, etc.

-Return items to their rightful places

-For each surface, temporarily move objects to wipe down surfaces, and replace objects afterward

-Remove remaining objects from floor, and sweep floor

-File away pile of papers

 

I've been making points of making lists for myself the last couple days and I have already noticed more things getting done and a general feeling of satisfaction that I achieve from it.

Thanks for this post!