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Aurora29

How did 5 yrs fly by?

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Hi my name is Aurora,  I have been taking from 15-30 xr over the past 5 years. For the last bit I started noticing general life burnout and also a great desire to be alone which I am not sure is me.

I have attempted to quit several times and fall back into it due to the feeling of life falling apart around me without the pills. This time I am just hoping that I make it cause its uncomfortable like my brain hurts.

These 8 days have felt like a eternity so many emotions coming up while not being able to force myself to do much more than the minimum.

Just keep reminding myself that there is light at the end of the tunnel....

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Welcome to the Forum, your story sounds similar to a lot of people that come to this site for help and I hope you're able to find some here.  Adderall/Vyvanse is a terrible drug that makes you instantly fall in love with it and then treats you like complete crap later on, basically a toxic relationship but this one is actually killing you. Just remember that at this point in your usage your life may already be falling apart and will get worse if you continue taking the drug.  Read through the forums and see that there is not just light but a whole new sense of freedom at the end of the tunnel....even though right now it may just feel like more tunnel.

I'm on day 30 for the 2nd and last time, after abusing for 5+ years tomorrow morning will mark the longest time I have been off stimulants since I got prescribed them. I've attempted to quit more times than I can count but this time my attitude is completely different (not sure how to explain the overwhelming urge to move on past this point in my life but its there). I'm embracing the journey to being free from this drug and recognizing the damage it has done to me everyday due to the way I'm feeling in the recovery from it.

Just realize that one day you will no longer be able to stay on this medication and it only gets worse as the years go by....relapses can/do happen but you have to WANT to quit instead of "hoping" you can quit.  Just know that I meant that in a nice calm tone and not being rude lol. Congrats on day 8 and good luck!!! check in whenever!

Currently day 30 and grateful for this site and the members

 

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On 8/28/2019 at 7:33 PM, eric said:

Just realize that one day you will no longer be able to stay on this medication and it only gets worse as the years go by....relapses can/do happen but you have to WANT to quit instead of "hoping" you can quit. 

Hey Eric this quote got me thru a couple of days I am lucky to work for myself at this point in time and have been spending a lot of time smoking weed and doing yoga. 

The yoga has become a moving meditation of some sort. When I took adderall I was so angry that the only thing that calmed me down was lifting heavy weights. The idea of stepping into the gym is still terrifying but I will do it when winter starts or sooner.

Today I called my Doctor twice and hung-up that made me feel so drained. I am normaling and I have a big progect that is triggering me but I gotta remind myslef that I am my own boss and this is my present reality and that the end result might take a bit longer to acheive and without that nice speed perhaps it wont be as polished but it will be the best I can do in recovery. 

In my meditations I remembered fasting for 21 days in Tijuana on phentermine his like speed like diet pill to lose like 20 pounds...

Than efredrine to cut later when I got into crossfit

I think everyone has weaknesses to certain things and SPEED is my choice of drug. 

 

Anyhow I made it thru day without taking a pill so its almost 2 weeks but it feels like forever....

 

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I am also just having terrible side effects 

Nightmares I wake up drenched in sweat  , I dream of my pills, I cry everyday even if its just for a little, I feel sluggish but am becoming more functional and regaining some social interest, I feel more creative but still lack the ability to sit and execute parsley due to general fatigue and getting distracted very easily.

Other than that I feel like I am waking up from a self induced coma emotionally

Its exciting to feel genuine JOY cluster out from within 

I also have been meeting people here and there wich is unusual for me due to me always being in a rush trying to accomplish my never ending to do list ....

 

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Hang in there it gets better! I still have dreams and night sweats every now and then. That will pass! I had a dream the other night that someone gave me their gym bag. I opened up the side pocket. Inside was the holy grail of adderall. Tons of loose pills. In my dream I took one, broke it in half ate it. Then soaked the gym bag in water to get rid of all the other pills.  I proceeded to take all the wet adderall out of the pocket to try and salvage it like a lunatic.

No sure where I’m going with this...the dreams are part of recovery. Pay attention to them. I believe it’s our subconscious just trying to show us how deep we still are in our addictions as we heal. Another reminder that we can’t go back. Or at least in my experience 

Congratulations on another day clean, it gets easier promise 

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@Aurora29 Hope things are still going good for you. I've been super busy the past week and pretty fatigued by the end of the day cause of it so wasn't on the site so much over the weekend...Keep it up!!

- Currently day 36

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Hey I am ok today is officially 2 weeks :)

Couple things I read today trying to stay mentally strong and truly embrace that life will be more beautiful than every one day. To be patient and embrace the journey being as positive as I can.

“Don’t judge each day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds that you plant.” – Robert Louis Stevenson

 “Fall seven times, stand up eight.” – Japanese proverb

. “Recovery is not a race. You don’t have to feel guilty if it takes you longer than you thought it would.” – Unknown

 “Happiness is where we find it, but rarely where we seek it.” – J. Petit Senn

Cheers!

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@Aurora29 Glad to hear your okay and congrats on 2 weeks!! Those are some great quotes to hang onto.  Keep us up to date! GL

- Currently day 36

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@Aurora29 congratulations on 2 weeks! Do everything you can to hold onto your current attitude and you’re going to make it through this. Patience is the key. We’re not the most patient bunch as Adderall users, so recognizing the importance of that is going to serve you well. Good luck on your journey!

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I fucked up and gave in a few days after the post 

My trigger was this big work project that I wanted to get done before starting school. 

I totally binged and here I am

Honestly I am considering asking my landlord to let me off the lease early to move in with  my mom and siblings.

Thats depressing but I currently am living alone in a condo downtown and if I move in with them my cost of living will drop significantly that would mean less pressure.

I know I would miss my Independence but I have to bust my ass to afford this lifestyle. Off addy its not sustainable right know to much pressure.

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@Aurora29 Shit happens and so do relapses.  Just do what you gotta do to get this part of your life behind you so you can move forward to bigger and better things.  I've been pretty busy this week and thankfully feeling good overall. I cut out sugars and reduced my food intake and it's been an awesome change.  I feel really great at the moment.  Just hold onto how your feeling right now going forward to help prevent you relapsing in the future.  We're always here for you.

-End of Day 46 and finally feeling real happiness.

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