My Experience With Adderall

[quit-once]

It started about a decade ago. I was seeking the stimulant buzz without the baggage of meth and coke. Sure, I enjoyed playing with all stimulant drugs, but meth was too intense and coke was unreliable. I never felt like I got my value for the money from cocaine, and with that drug I was a heavyweight player - never sure if it was going to work. I had quit smoking for at least a year, and I could feel that drinking alcohol was becoming less satisfying. I was in my mid-thirtys and not ready to give up partying just yet. My best friend shared some of his newly-found adderall and desoxyn with me and I immediately knew it was the right fit. The homeymoon phase with this addiction had begun and it lasted for several years.

At first we did it only on weekends and even then only when we could get it so it wasn't every weekend. I made the comment that I was not sure the hangovers were worth the buzz and I considered bagging it very early on. For the next several years, I could not acknowledge that the "hangover" was actually adderall withdrawl. I only used it recreationally on the weekends, and almost never for work. I always took enough to get high and I didn't like going to work when I was high on anything. Since I did not take it during the week, I would get the full effect of an adderall high each and every weekend. It was like looking forward to a trip to Disneyland every week. My friends were amazed that I could hang on to my pills during the week and not gobble them up.

I live in a town about a hundred miles away from the city where my friends and family lived. My mom was eighty-something, still working, and living an independent life in her home of forty+ years. I would visit her on some weekends, take adderall and get a thousand things done around the house. I learned how much I could take and maintain a great buzz but not act like I was on drugs. She never knew I took adderall. After discovering adderall, my desire for all other drugs and drinking vanished, but I resumed smoking cigs about a year later. In 2005, my mom was a victim in an auto accident that nearly killed her, but she survived and was determined to recover and resume her life. Her health and mobility were never the same, as she broke a hip and an ankle in the wreck.

The aftermath of that car accident and old age took a toll on Mom's health. Her disabilities left her home-bound and unable to drive a car. Her health was failing but she was fiercly independent and determined live her last years surrounded by her things, her friends, and her pets in the comfort of her own home. Her mind never failed her and we maintained a "best friend" relationship that only got stronger as she grew older and more frail. My siblings had moved away it was up to me to help Mom maintain her life and her home. I gradually took on the role as her caregiver. From a hundred miles away. And adderall helped me to be the superman I needed to be-every weekend. We had a lot of stimulating, late night conversations while I was buzzed on adderall.

It was actually fun to be superman. We took vacations when she felt good. Took her to church and family gatherings and numerous funerals. Horse races and casinos. Doctor appointments and emergency room visits to numerous to count. I was her medical advocate when she was hospitalized. I Googled the new diagnoses and the new medications they gave her; and the drug interactions. Adderall made me an interested medical academic. I helped her make informed medical decisions, both practical and ethical, like when to turn of the defribulator on her pacemaker towards the end of her life. There were the challenges of home ownership like yard care, a broken furnace and a new roof. Laundry and grocery shopping had to be done each each weekend. The pets needed more and more care, and I was also helping her out with her part-time business. Old people require more and more modifications of their surroundings to deal with their disabilities. Things like oxygen management, maintaining easy access to shelves and phones, walkers, power chairs and wheelchairs become very important. Yes, adderall made me the superman I needed to be every weekend. But it was getting harder and harder to take time off adderall during the week and still do my regular job. I gradually had gone from only doing adderall on saturday and sunday to NOT doing adderall only on tues, wed, and thurs. But as long as I had three full days off adderall each week, it always got me high on the weekends. I was becoming less and less functional while I was not on adderall, but somehow I kept my job through it all. About five years ago I finally had to get my own perscription for adderall because the amount I was getting from my friends just wasn't enough any more. Adderall addiction is truly a progressive disease.

Over a period of about six months, Mom's ability to live independently came to an end. She had several serious injuries and infections resulting from falling. She was in and out of rehab centers and hospitals. We enjoyed one last holiday season together and then early in 2010 she had a fall she couldn't recover from and lost the last of her mobility. She begrudgingly admitted it was time to enter an assisted living facility. By this time I was a daily adderall user and was thinking I needed to quit. But I couldn't. This was a very depressing time in my life and adderall prevented the onset of depression. The home still needed to be taken care of and the pets needed to be tended and Mom still needed to have some errands run and visits in the facility. We moved her in to an assisted living unit and planned a surprise 90th birthday party. The day after her birthday, she took another bad fall, ended up in the hospital, and almost died, again. It was time to find her a nursing home.

I researched all of the quality nursing homes in the area and found the best one we could afford. By the way, medicare does not pay for long term nursing home care and it cost us about 8K per month for a single room. Since my caregiving services were now being addressed by the nursing home, would this be a good time to quit adderall? I infrequently took a day off adderall and realized that I would was disfunctional when I didn't have it. It was around this time that I experienced the true definition of addiction: THE INABILITY TO CEASE A HARMFUL BEHAVIOR DESPITE ITS GREAT PERSONAL COST. When my dog died a couple of years before, I experienced tremendous depression and grief, even though I knew he was gonna die. The depression lasted for several weeks, and what I didn't realize at the time was that depression was agravated by adderall withdrawl during the weekdays. So quitting adderall while Mom was dying in a rest home was out of the question.

The decline of mom's health over the last year was tough to take for all of us. She was no longer happy and frequently pondered why she had to suffer the final horrors of old age. Her best friend died in late September, and I took her to his graveside service even though she could not get out of the car. Two days later, she passed away and was granted the relief that only death can provide from the suffering and missery of enduring a worn-out body with a mind that knows the difference.

I was on adderall throughout the entire memorial and grieving process, although at low, functional dosages. One of my best friends was killed in a car wreck about a month later. I spoke at both of their services, with my emotions controled by low doses of adderall. It was a very depressing time of my life but I didn't feel the depression and I knew things would get better. I also knew I couldn't quit adderall at that time under any circumstances and I was very lucky to have an adequate supply of pills. I still needed to take care of the final estate settlement stuff and income taxes, but I could see the light at the end of my addiction tunnel. I was soooo ready to be done with that awful drug that I was really looking forward to quitting. I planned every detail of the quit in order to make it successful and avoid a relapse. And when I quit taking adderall on June 4, 2011, I knew I was done for good. The depression that was masked by the adderall showed up after I quit and I cried and grieved intensely for about ten days after I quit.

Time has a way of altering our memories and perceptions of life's experiences and lessons. As I progress through my recovery period,the more negative my attitude and thoughts about adderall have become. I wanted to document the positive aspects of my adderall addiction before damning that "evil" pill and rewriting history. There were plenty of bad things about the addiction and its impact on my health and mental stability that I have not detailed in this writing. My main reason for quitting was the realization that a long term adderall addiction was simply UNSUSTAINABLE at any level in all areas of my life. I do not regret spending almost a decade on adderall. I believe I learned many valuable life lessons, behaviors, and ways of thinking from taking this drug. I had some great experiences and accomplishments. I believe that helping another person, at a critical time of their life, with the assistance of a tool like adderall was a good thing and it justified my addiction.

Although I feel that I am a better person for my adderall experience, I realize that it was a phase of my life that I can never return to. I have a deeper understanding of addiction and a lot of compassion for anybody who is addicted to anything.

Ever since joining this web site last summer, I knew I had to tell this story. It is a long story and if you have read it all the way through I hope in some way it was worth your time. For the details of my quitting procedure, check out my post entitled "How I Quit Adderall".

[Jon]

_Quit-once,

 

_{Your story is a unique story about a son caring for his mother using a stimulant drug. Living 100 miles away, I can see why you needed a little help, and also why you look back on it without guilt or shame. It is nice to read your story about a son who had a great adult relationship with his mother. I was lucky enough to have the same special relationship with my mother until her death in 1987. Thank you for sharing your story.}