LuLamb

I'm 52 and today I ended my relationship with my Adderall supplier - my psychiatrist

69 posts in this topic

I can relate so much. I think what we all crave and were chasing was that experience we had in the early days of our adderall addiction- before it became so problematic and we fell down the rabbit hole. It is an unfortunate reality that we can never recapture that because we passed the point of no return with our addiction. I stopped drinking in November and I have been having intense moments of craving and even debating with myself if I can start drinking casually again. I rationalize that my drinking wasn’t THAT bad and I had more good nights than bad. But then I remind myself of a metaphor that applies to drinking but also any addiction, especially adderall and that is that you can’t unpickle a cucumber. Once a cucumber has been turned into a pickle, it can never go back to being a cucumber. And I know that I can never go back to being a casual drinker and none of us can ever take adderall without slipping down the slope into addiction hell. 

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Today is day 20. For the first time in a decade I've been sleeping like a teenager this week. Like 11 hours a night. It feels wonderful and like I can't get enough of it but at the same time I'm judging myself about it. When I was in my addiction and still married, I really judged my ex harshly for how late he slept. It was so unfair of me. I don't feel depressed or necessarily unmotivated, but with sheltering-in-place, working from home, and actually having the opportunity to rest and sleep this much, I guess my body is finally relaxing into getting some sleep after years of no sleep, or at least little quality sleep. My head has been feeling foggy, my eyes sleepy, and my brain isn't working so well, but that feels like a small price to pay right now. I've been feeling like life is so much simpler than I've made it out to be. I really don't need much. 

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On 5/1/2020 at 0:31 PM, LuLamb said:

I've been feeling like life is so much simpler than I've made it out to be. I really don't need much. 

yes ^this!

one of the most powerful things said to me in my whole addiction/recovery process was "you don't have to win anything - it's okay to just live." (:

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5 hours ago, sleepystupid said:

one of the most powerful things said to me in my whole addiction/recovery process was "you don't have to win anything - it's okay to just live." (:

or put another way, by some wise QA member many years ago:  ".....become a human being instead of a human doing"

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13 hours ago, sleepystupid said:

yes ^this!

one of the most powerful things said to me in my whole addiction/recovery process was "you don't have to win anything - it's okay to just live." (:

I love this.  I want so desperately to simplify my life.  But... i love learning, i have a fear of missing out, i have trouble making decisions and I have difficulty saying no.  

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Tomorrow I will be at the one-year mark! I can't believe it. Adderall is completely out of my life. When I reflect on my Adderall days, I find myself wondering how I got anything done - how I didn't manage to totally and completely shoot the wheels off of everything in my life; how I managed to come through those days of use and abuse relatively unscathed. The side-effects of COVID (sheltering-in-place; going to 100% telehealth with my counseling practice and being able to work from anywhere; just going out less; less pressure to be showered and dressed and ON for the world; etc.) have been a real gift. In a few weeks, I will be moving to Arizona. I'm looking forward to the peace and quiet of the desert. Quitting Adderall has been by far the hardest thing I have ever done. I don't know that I could have made it this far without the help and support of you all on this site. 

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Congratulations for your first year of freedom!  One year is a huge milestone for so many things, and especially for kicking the addie habit.  I wish you the best of luck living in Arizona.  I share your wonderment of how I survived that awful addiction with my life and health intact, especially as an older user -  I was 48 when I quit nine years ago. 

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@LuLamb Reading your 1 year post hit me like a ton of bricks. Time sure does fly. We quit around the same time and I can’t tell you how happy I am for you for sticking with it.
 

We quit around the same time, but I wish I could say that I too am at the 1 year mark. Unfortunately, I sit here typing this utterly bitter at myself, still addicted. Still spinning in the hamster wheel. My face is on fire from picking it apart, my teeth feel weak from clenching my jaw for days on end, my body aches from being on 100+mg of amphetamines, I don’t remember the last time I’ve gotten eight hours of sleep and at this point I’m taking adderall to simply function and not because I feel anything of a high. 
 

Reading your post gives me hope though. Thank you for sharing with us your success, it truly is valuable. I hope you’re living your best life, even during a pandemic. Congratulations. So awesome. ❤️

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I’m so glad so to read your post...  I am 46 

and I don’t TAKE adderall, I ABUSE it.  It’s been on & off for 15 years ... my body is a wreck.  I have an 8 & a 6 year old and I HAVE to stop now or I won’t make it.

Keep us updated.  ❤️

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On 11/13/2020 at 5:43 PM, NurseAddy said:

My face is on fire from picking it apart, my teeth feel weak from clenching my jaw for days on end, my body aches from being on 100+mg of amphetamines, I don’t remember the last time I’ve gotten eight hours of sleep

 

On 11/14/2020 at 10:38 AM, sage said:

and I don’t TAKE adderall, I ABUSE it.  It’s been on & off for 15 years ... my body is a wreck.

@NurseAddy @sage

Fear is a very powerful motivator. you need to be scared for yourself, scared for your family, scared that you're literally chopping away years of your life. especially for those of us who ABUSE with a capital A, it's bad enough to see the damage that's visible - imagine what's happening that you can't see! 

doom and gloom aside, it's great that you're both still here and keeping this on your mind. as @quit-once says - you NEED a plan. work with your families, doctors, employers, anyone who can help you set up the right support structures to escape from this cycle of abuse.

and of course keep us posted (:

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@NurseAddy, @sage

I was 48 when I quit, almost a decade ago, after nine years of Abuse.  It took me six months of planning and preparation but I wanted to get it right the first time that I sincerely tried quitting.  I was ready to enter addiction treatment if I failed.  The older we get, the more painful it becomes to continue abusing this nasty drug,  It's really hard on your body at abusive dosages.  An addiction to speed is like a mortgage on your future.

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@quit-once and @SleepyStupid Thank you for your words of wisdom. I want to be done, it’s just crazy the grips these pills have on a rational mind. Makes me feel crazy for continuing to do this to myself. Alas, I’ve cut off my supplier and am giving it my all. Thank you again for the motivation.

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I’m all moved in to my new home in AZ. The quiet is so nice and the view from my new apartment is beautiful: high desert and mountains for miles.

And, I’m struggling! Depressed. Unmotivated. Anhedonia.  I got on here this morning because I remembered reading posts from people talking about the challenge of life just past the year mark (I quit Adderall in October of 2019).

And I had a dream last night that I had some Adderall and I was really happy about it.
I am also very aware lately that my brain chemistry is still very whacked and I’ve unwittingly wreaked more havoc with it recently: I had started taking Gabapentin a couple of months ago for my back/nerve pain. My ex gave me some extras he had. I did not think anything of it. They helped and my back was especially jacked because of all the moving and packing and getting rid of stuff in prep for the AZ move. Then I moved to AZ and I ran out about two weeks ago. And the detox and withdrawal took me by complete storm.

And I started reading stuff that said the people who had issues coming off of it were typically those with a history of addiction to other substances. It blew my mind. I felt duped and angry. My brother and my sister-in-law both have used it and they said they had zero issues stopping it or using it PRN.   I’ve largely decided not to attempt to return to the Gabapentin, but I’m so upset. Upset that I didn’t realize it would be a big deal to take or not take the Gaba and to discover only in retrospect that this drug is also very potent and therefore dangerous for me.

It has been like the early days of getting off Adderall all over again. I’ll just keep plodding along. Live and learn. Feeling pretty sorry for myself. Anhedonia is the worst. Im going to take my dog and my arse hiking now. I feel like just staring at the boob tube all day, but I know the exercise and sunshine will help, even if only a little. 

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congratulations on the move! it sounds so beautiful out there! I agree with the plan of just getting out of the house - soak up the new views, nature and experiences there. it should serve to distract you from the one-year blues.

On 12/6/2020 at 0:24 PM, LuLamb said:

And I started reading stuff that said the people who had issues coming off of it were typically those with a history of addiction to other substances.

while it is true in general that we (addicts) are a higher risk population, this kind of language seeks to minimize the risks for "normal" people which is kind of disingenuous. doctors will say the exact same thing about Adderall, "you'll be fine in a couple of weeks unless you abuse it:huh:. if the pain is still an ongoing issue, for a safer alternative, I believe your fine state legalized marijuana recently B)

 

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Thanks for the good words. Making plans for how I spend my time, energy, and resources has really helped me this past week. Exercise is especially helpful for my mood as well as my back. Went on an amazing hike today. 

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I’m 53 and I quit Adderall in October of 2019. I quit smoking a few months ago. I haven’t had any alcohol this week. I love my new place. I cannot believe I have a beautiful view. And! And I’m just exhausted by everything. Maybe this is what they mean by “fake it til you make it”...I don’t know. I feel like I’m just going through the motions. I have a lot of anxiety. I need to trust myself-my head, my heart, and my body. Drinking way too much caffeine. Tired all the time and resentful of the sense of urgency I feel to DO all the things (work, be a good friend, be a good daughter, do the dishes, make the bed, walk the dog...). Having a hard time relaxing and feeling comfortable in my own skin-in my own body. I think all of this is related to the Adderall et al recovery. But not sure. If someone told me two years ago that I’d be off Adderall; smoking; and wine by now, I’d be so relieved and happy about that. But I want to feel better and most days I feel anxious and uncomfortable being me. I didn’t expect this. 

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On 12/6/2020 at 9:24 AM, LuLamb said:

I’m all moved in to my new home in AZ. The quiet is so nice and the view from my new apartment is beautiful: high desert and mountains for miles.

And, I’m struggling! Depressed. Unmotivated. Anhedonia.  I got on here this morning because I remembered reading posts from people talking about the challenge of life just past the year mark (I quit Adderall in October of 2019).

And I had a dream last night that I had some Adderall and I was really happy about it.
I am also very aware lately that my brain chemistry is still very whacked and I’ve unwittingly wreaked more havoc with it recently: I had started taking Gabapentin a couple of months ago for my back/nerve pain. My ex gave me some extras he had. I did not think anything of it. They helped and my back was especially jacked because of all the moving and packing and getting rid of stuff in prep for the AZ move. Then I moved to AZ and I ran out about two weeks ago. And the detox and withdrawal took me by complete storm.

And I started reading stuff that said the people who had issues coming off of it were typically those with a history of addiction to other substances. It blew my mind. I felt duped and angry. My brother and my sister-in-law both have used it and they said they had zero issues stopping it or using it PRN.   I’ve largely decided not to attempt to return to the Gabapentin, but I’m so upset. Upset that I didn’t realize it would be a big deal to take or not take the Gaba and to discover only in retrospect that this drug is also very potent and therefore dangerous for me.

It has been like the early days of getting off Adderall all over again. I’ll just keep plodding along. Live and learn. Feeling pretty sorry for myself. Anhedonia is the worst. Im going to take my dog and my arse hiking now. I feel like just staring at the boob tube all day, but I know the exercise and sunshine will help, even if only a little. 

Hi @LuLamb. Just wanted to say I am right there with you i quit Nov last year. came here bc just passed the year mark and struggling. way better than those first few months of recovery but the cravings have started again. I just wanted to reach out and say that i am feeling literally everything you write and you are not alone. happy we made it this far... we have to keep going right? x

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