Friday night sober ramblings

[m34]

I’m clean and grateful for that. Every day I’m faced with another reason to drink or get a script for adderall. I’m not EXACTLY loving my life sober. Im just sober. period. I want to let it all go.  My love /hate relationship, the sweet spot I feel when they both are in my system. the self loathing I feel when they leave my system.  Why is this so strong?  I hope I can read this one day and realize how ridiculous this sounds. assuming I stay clean. 
 

10 months 22 days off adderall, literally the longest yr of my life. Clearly my brain is addicted  to the idea of energy. 
 

I have to believe there is an end to this self loathing part. I work on myself every damn day. Meditation, yoga, lists and lists, writing, clean diet, supplements. I mean nothings working right now. I just want to feel good again. The only reason I quit drinking is because my hangovers were so damn bad without adderall. 
 

no one in my life gets it.  What if this is as good as I’ll ever feel again? can I live with it ? Without any escape I must feel each moment. Is this even necessary?! 

The only fix is caving and going backwards.I will not go backwards. I must dig deep and find a way to get through this. 

[Somewhere]

Hey great post, how are you doing?
I'm around the same timeline as you, and am feeling the same exact way.
The last few weeks have been a roller coaster. Still having trouble with alcohol, trying to taper off it.
On the plus side I did just get done with a run this morning. I'm in horrible shape, and what used to be my warm up is now my workout.
But hey, I got out there in the cold damp weather and got a run in. Its one foot in front of the other for me at this point-- good work day by day. 
Still, some mornings/days rrrreeaalllllyyy suck.
Hope everything is going well for you.
 

[m34]

Thank you for response @Somewhere

It is a rollercoaster. Doing a little better after the weekend.  I hope you are feeling better.  Think the hard part now is just feeling like we should be further along? 
 

That’s great you were able to get a run in. I might try that instead of yoga today. 

I also found a sober workout group in my area. Hoping to to meet this week. I’m not sure if they just work out together,  or if they also meet to talk. It just seemed like an interesting concept. 

I’m pretty much willing to try anything at this point. One day at a time right? 
 

[SleepyStupid]

On 11/22/2019 at 5:32 PM, m34 said:

I have to believe there is an end to this self loathing part. I work on myself every damn day. Meditation, yoga, lists and lists, writing, clean diet, supplements. I mean nothings working right now. I just want to feel good again.

so this isn't going to be the most positive, motivating post but it's the truth for me. all that working on yourself stuff sounds great, but i never did any of it. i guess i've never had the discipline for it even before Adderall. perhaps it would have made a difference in my recovery, but that's the past now for me.

so 3+ years sober. am i functional? yes. do i enjoy life? mostly. but i'm definitely a different person now. i find many things (like socializing) super exhausting now, i sometimes actively avoid people, etc. i think what happened over the last couple of years is that i redefined my own definition of happiness. i decided at some point that at this stage in my life, this level of happiness is enough. easier said than done - i know - but recently i've had a bit more motivation to get back into hobbies and such, but i don't think i would have gotten here had i not let go of that idea that i needed to regain all my previous energy and life.

not sure if that helps, but basically i'm saying "don't try too hard". sometimes it can be counter productive (:

[m34]

 @sleepystupid. This is really great advice. You are absolutely right.  I am frustrated trying to get back to a state of being that is hard to achieve without substances. I need to let go of it all and just start being “happy” from where I am. Even if it’s a slow crawl. Thanks for the advice!

[DrewK15]

This is a good thread. I’m with @sleepystupid, life is different after Adderall. I’m at 569 days since my last pill or drink and it’s still hard sometimes, but it’s also good. For me it’s more peaceful. My old life was so much different; stuff like the flashing lights of the club, gambling, alcohol, Adderall, weed, video games, etc.. I had to be constantly stimulated or I felt like I was going to lose my mind. I completely lost my appreciation for all of the little things in life and was absolutely miserable when I wasn’t high or distracted. I don’t do any of these things anymore. Maybe I’m just getting older as well, but I’m just different now. I walk my dogs, read in the morning with my coffee, I decorated a Christmas tree with my family yesterday. Slow stuff. It doesn’t flood my brain with that excited feeling, but I’m so much more mindful and actually notice the world around me. And I do feel so much better, my brain releases those feel good chemicals for much smaller things now. 
 

To answer your question, you will start to feel better the longer you stay clean. I made significant progress at 12-18 months. I used to sleep til noon, but now I get super restless if I’m not up by 8. You will continue to heal. The longer you’re clean, the more the little things in life will bring you enjoyment. Stick with it, you’re doing great!

[DelaneyJuliette]

I'm so scared to stop.

[LuLamb]

It’s ok to be scared to stop. Who wouldn’t be? It helped me to know that my Adderall use really couldn’t go on forever-and that at the same time I hated the thought of another year flying by with me still enslaved to that shit. If nothing changes, nothing changes...tapering never worked for me. It did help me get glimpses of why I wanted to quit, but taking Adderall at all ultimately just made me feel like I needed more Adderall, so I’d start taking a little more and then eventually I was right back in the same boat. I think it helps to have people who can tell you what they don’t like about being around you when you’re on Adderall and who can reflect to you how you’re better company when you’re not on it. 

[LuLamb]

My boyfriend tells me I am kinder, gentler, and seem MORE FOCUSED off of Adderall.

[LuLamb]

He says he is a lot more comfortable being around me without Adderall. That on Adderall I regularly seemed aggressive. 

[m34]

I also use to go out all the time. I go to bed around 6 or 7 pm now.  I literally sleep about 12 hours a night. @DrewK15 thanks for your post. 
 

I ended up caving and having some wine over thanksgiving. Not proud of it. I really am better sober and it gave me perspective. I barely even got buzzed just a hangover. 
Starting month 11 off adderall at least. I’ll keep pushing for 12-18 months. Thanks for the encouragement. 

 

 @DelaneyJuliette. It is really scary to quit. It is also really scary to not quit. I finally had to get honest with myself. My use wasn’t getting any better and it stopped working. I kept justifying body aches and sleepless nights. I would explain away the comedowns- as bad diet choices or stress. I changed everything except adderall. I finally had to say enough is enough. Yes, obviously it is hard to stay off. At the end of the day it is worth it. When you are off of it the recovery is not all bad. I have good days as well. Hope my post above didn’t scare you. My every day is not that. It comes and goes. You can do this! 

 

[LuLamb]

DAY 53. I'm so grateful when I remember to resource this site. I have a tendency lately to forget that I am in recovery...a tendency instead to get into this head/heart space of, "What's WRONG with me???" and when I can remember, "OH RIGHT!! DUHHHH  - I recently quit an amphetamine addiction cold turkey!!!" I am better able to be kinder and gentler with myself and set some reasonable goals for my day. I watched the documentary GAMECHANGERS the other night and it really inspired me to go vegan again. My diet got really bad on Adderall and so much of what they said resonated with me with regards to how a vegan diet allows the body to recover so much more quickly. So this morning, rather than pounding super strong cups of coffee with tons of cream, I am drinking green tea. 

There's also a nagging little inner dialog I am having about asking my neighbor if he can spare some Adderall...he is a total slave to it and he drives me nuts and is a good mirror for me of how I probably was on Adderall and why I want to stay off of Adderall, but sometimes it is tempting to imagine asking him for a skosh. But, I'll just keep plodding along doing what actually needs to be done with the time, energy, and resources I currently have. SIGH

 

[m34]

Congrats on day 53 @LuLamb! It’s hard because we aren’t just dropping a pill it’s a lifestyle change. I’m not vegan, but I eat really clean keto. It’s helped me a ton. When I get away from keto my ADD symptoms are way worse. Which triggers me to want adderall. Hope plant based works for you. Whatever it takes! 
 

I understand about your neighbor. I feel that way when I’m around my coworkers who are on it. I just want to ask for one! The struggle is real. Even when I see them anxious and stressed over small things. It should make me not want it at all. 

[DelaneyJuliette]

On 12/2/2019 at 4:06 PM, m34 said:

I also use to go out all the time. I go to bed around 6 or 7 pm now.  I literally sleep about 12 hours a night. @DrewK15 thanks for your post. 
 

I ended up caving and having some wine over thanksgiving. Not proud of it. I really am better sober and it gave me perspective. I barely even got buzzed just a hangover. 
Starting month 11 off adderall at least. I’ll keep pushing for 12-18 months. Thanks for the encouragement. 

 

 @DelaneyJuliette. It is really scary to quit. It is also really scary to not quit. I finally had to get honest with myself. My use wasn’t getting any better and it stopped working. I kept justifying body aches and sleepless nights. I would explain away the comedowns- as bad diet choices or stress. I changed everything except adderall. I finally had to say enough is enough. Yes, obviously it is hard to stay off. At the end of the day it is worth it. When you are off of it the recovery is not all bad. I have good days as well. Hope my post above didn’t scare you. My every day is not that. It comes and goes. You can do this! 

 

Yes, it is very hard to be honest with myself.  Man I am good at self-justification.  But the reality is that I ALWAYS go overboard eventually...  I think it really is time to stop.  Monday will be day 1. 

[LuLamb]

1 hour ago, DelaneyJuliette said:

Yes, it is very hard to be honest with myself.  Man I am good at self-justification.  But the reality is that I ALWAYS go overboard eventually...  I think it really is time to stop.  Monday will be day 1. 

Good for you!!!!! And I bet you’ll totally be able to use that “overboard” energy in service of your abstinence! I’m rooting for you!!!

[DelaneyJuliette]

On 12/5/2019 at 0:56 PM, LuLamb said:

DAY 53. I'm so grateful when I remember to resource this site. I have a tendency lately to forget that I am in recovery...a tendency instead to get into this head/heart space of, "What's WRONG with me???" and when I can remember, "OH RIGHT!! DUHHHH  - I recently quit an amphetamine addiction cold turkey!!!" I am better able to be kinder and gentler with myself and set some reasonable goals for my day. I watched the documentary GAMECHANGERS the other night and it really inspired me to go vegan again. My diet got really bad on Adderall and so much of what they said resonated with me with regards to how a vegan diet allows the body to recover so much more quickly. So this morning, rather than pounding super strong cups of coffee with tons of cream, I am drinking green tea. 

There's also a nagging little inner dialog I am having about asking my neighbor if he can spare some Adderall...he is a total slave to it and he drives me nuts and is a good mirror for me of how I probably was on Adderall and why I want to stay off of Adderall, but sometimes it is tempting to imagine asking him for a skosh. But, I'll just keep plodding along doing what actually needs to be done with the time, energy, and resources I currently have. SIGH

 

I literally just emailed your quote to myself:   I have a tendency lately to forget that I am in recovery...a tendency instead to get into this head/heart space of, "What's WRONG with me???" and when I can remember, "OH RIGHT!! DUHHHH  - I recently quit an amphetamine addiction cold turkey!!!" I am better able to be kinder and gentler with myself and set some reasonable goals for my day. 

I am having brain zaps and feeling crazy.  Mood swings all over the place and I can't get anything done.  Going from crazy high anxiety to exhausted and apathetic.  Foggy.  Can't wait to get through this.   There is another side to get to, I will keep telling myself.  I know it to be true, but damn I want to get there NOW. 

[LuLamb]

Glad I’m not the only one, lol! Today is Day 54. I’m pretty fried-I woke up around 4am and decided to get up and start working. I tend to get a lot done when I do that, but I regret it now as I also had a full day of clients and plans with friends tonight. I cancelled my plans with my friends and am just going to grab a bite with my boyfriend and crash early. That sorta sounds reasonable and like good self-care, but I’m struggling. Feeling a lot of inadequacy today. I’ve been realizing that I’ve had many masks and decoys to keep my insecurities at bay over the years, and now I feel pretty vulnerable and unworthy. It’s actually quite difficult for me to share myself with people (in person!). I’m afraid to be “a drag”...