DelaneyJuliette

I'm having a hard time tonight

6 posts in this topic

I'm on Day 11.  I just want to cry.  I'm still supposed to pack up me and 4 kids and leave to have my husband drive 16 hours to visit my parents for the holidays.  We were supposed to leave at 4:30pm today and I still haven't started packing and it's 7:30pm.  I don't know what is wrong with me.  (Oh yeah... as someone posted a week or so ago... I guess I keep forgetting that I just kicked a 10 year adderall addiction cold turkey.)  My husband is in a super bad mood b/c he is overtired and when he gets like this he takes it out on me.  I am so angry at him b/c all I want is his support and I know that is not a place I can get support right now.  Okay, I can do this.  I can do this.  

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Okay, I made it through!  That was seriously the closest call I've had so far.  I kept telling myself that 5mg wouldn't be a problem.  That the reason it had gotten so bad was b/c I was comining the benzos and adderall.  That I am legitimately prescribed it.  That it has been enough time so that I would actually feel 5mg again and I wouldn't have to take more.  That I would only take it to help me pack and then it would wear off and I would go to bed.  In those moments it felt inevitable that I would return to taking Adderall again at some point, in some small irregular amount, so I kept hearing myself justify, "why not tonight then?  it would make things so. much. easier."  BUT I DIDN'T.  I am so grateful that I didn't.  I didn't pack.  I just hung out with my kids and went to bed.  (And OMG, my daughter learned to ride her bike without training wheels in that time, even though I didn't pack!)  I feel bad b/c the kids are going to be disappointed that we didn't leave in the middle of the night (and I have no idea what time we will actually be able to make it out of the house today - I still feel overwhelmed with all the tasks ahead of me) BUT what I know is that i just weathered another huge trigger.  I just made another milestone.  I can do this.  And, maybe I borrow from AA for a moment and tell myself that I just am not going to do it today.  I can borrow from the sober curious movement and tell myself that I'm doing an experiment where I go without any ADD meds for a year.  Just a year, and then I can re-evaluate.  (I think that will help me get through the self-justification talk that "it's not like I'm going to go the rest of my LIFE without ever taking it again, so why not now?"  (and fyi, i commit that i won't go a full year and decide to take it again without posting here first.)  actually i wonder if i can commit to myself that before taking it ever i post here first.  That's an interesting thought.  I feel like if i get back into that "i'm def going to do it" space, telling this forum first will NOT be pleasant.  I want to commit to that.  

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Good job on not taking any @DelaneyJuliette. The holidays are a huge trigger. I’m so ready for January 1 so I can hide again! I have family flying in today, messy house, half a grocery list completed, and I’m still in bed. Not good. Thankfully, it’s my own family and not in-laws. My family can just understand this mess a little more. Although my own family thinks I need meds, but that’s a whole different convo. 
 

In law  “fun” starts next week. GoD help us all through the holidays. If I had some ADD meds laying around there is no wAy I wouldn’t take it. Grateful I don’t have any..I guess. i just need to get up and start!!!! 

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My husband takes it per his prescription (he doesn't misuse it or over use it) so thats why I still "have it." I haven't packed yet. I feel totally paralyzed.  I know it will all be okay though and having made it through last night I am not going to take any now.  Ugh, man though, i wish i could push a magic button and be packed.  

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