Ready4Change

You have all helped me

4 posts in this topic

Hello my strong and inspirational friends.  This is a long and scattered post and I’m not the greatest writer. I need to finally introduce myself.   My name is Brian.  I am new to posting in this group but many of you have been my daily strength and you have unknowingly helped make me feel less defective and alone these past 8 months.   It has taken me this long to be capable and willing to take steps and create an account to post.  My inability to write coherent enough to post has slowly lifted. (Thankful for that)  This initial withdrawal process and now the intense PAWS has been the HARDEST THING I HAVE DONE IN MY LIFE.  I am 41 years old and had been on Adderall for 16 years and I built my life around the help the pills provided me.  I never abused my prescription and my life was made better for a long time because of Adderall.  Marriage, career, home and many more life goals met.  I have pretty intense ADD from childhood and Adderall all but cured me. Nothing lasts forever and time goes bye so quickly. I got to a point where I had to discover if I can be Adderall free. An inner voice needed to be heard. I had been experiencing anxiety and depression while on Adderall. I also was having concerns about long term use and my heart and mental health possibly declining. I was willing go through hell to find out if a healthy and prosperous life was possible without the pills. I know the pains of withdrawal. I got off 13 years of Effexor 2 years before I stopped the Adderall. (Brutal withdrawal too)  I got tired of the monthly trips to the psychiatrist. The pharmacy running out of them. Travels abroad where Adderall is banned.  Feeling shame about being dependent on amphetamine and not truly owning my personality and accomplishments. I guess I wanted and needed to be tested and to build up true strength and resilience. I needed to know who I am and what I’m capable of. The Authentic me.  That’s easy to dream about but much harder to live the process. I can relate to mostly to everyone in these forums about the withdrawal. The anxiety, depression and  lack of pleasure has been unbelievably difficult and disruptive in my life. Every area has been negatively impacted. You all know everything I’m saying because reading your processes was like reading my own. (It’s helped soooooooo much). The first month of sleep and dragging was hard but WAYYYYY easier that what has come in months 4-8. OMG . I am amazed I have survived and I’m not being at all dramatic. I feel like I will have PTSD from how difficult it has been and currently is. I’m entering the wave portion of this process I think. I can sense a tiny bit of relief. Some days the panic slightly lessens. I feel a bit more hope and that is awesome.  Panic attacks are hopefully lessening. I’m still significantly disabled compared to my former self but maybe a tiny bit better than last month. From everything I’ve read on here the upcoming 9-12 month time frame I will reap the rewards of my suffering. That brings tears to my eyes because I am battered, broken and beaten down.  Some days just coming here and reading what others have went through is the only bit of hope that drives me forward.  I have read almost every post. I have not come across a better resource of real stories that justify and acknowledge the reality of my suffering like this group. Before I found this I truly felt alone, defective and crazy. You all made me feel like I was in exactly the pain I was supposed to be.  Somehow that helps. Thank You. I am proud to be in the company of such strong people.  I will try to be more involved as I continue getting better and growing stronger. 

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Beautifully written. I am with you every step of the way - the intensity and timeline of your recovery matches mine to a T.  As you already know from the forums - for long term users like ourselves, recovery takes at least 2 years.  Life expectancy is like 85 so we have another 40 plus years!  Two years is a no brainier trade-off and the hardest part is behind us.  I am 15 months into recovery and going back to work finally starting this Monday.  I have a wife and 2 kids and recovery put me out of work for 15 months.  Am I "excited" about it - no, because I still suffer from anhedonia - but it's intensity has significantly decreased overtime.  Is my personality "whole" again? Not at all - but SIGNIFICANT improvement over time - little by little.  

 

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Your post is remarkable and we are so lucky to have you here!  I just turned 40 in May so we're right about the same place in life.  Please keep providing updates and sharing.  Your post made my day. :)  We have a great group of people here and so glad to have you join us!

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I’m glad you made an account! Finding your place in a understanding community will only help your recovery. It gives me hope to hear progresses, so keep posting! 

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