eric

Went 90 days then relapsed - Now 7 Days clean

7 posts in this topic

Well that was one crazy ride and I feel like I'm waking up from a coma. I barely remember Thanksgiving and Christmas. 

So I was super active on here for the first 60+ days of my recovery back in August and September but then I stopped coming here and within a few weeks I relapsed on day 90 (Late October), and went full throttle into my addiction in mid November.  I wanted to post about what lead me back to the dark side to warn others and to get it off my chest.  I'd like to get back to being a positive light again.

Quick backstory for new people reading this, I'm a married male in my early 30's with a young son and IT job, I first took adderall in 2012 and took it once every 1-2 months for about 2 years.  Then in 2014 I got a script for vyvanse and IR and after 8 months I realized I had an addiction and since 2015 I've battled with quitting.  It's been a long road of abusing it and weird health issues here and there.  I also struggled with a Tramadol addiction off and on since 2017.  On July 30, 2019 I said enough was enough and thought my addiction was part of my past but it turns out it wasn't.

So I was doing great and had no thought of going back onto adderall up until I had an eye injury a little after 70 days clean.  FYI my eye is fine and vision is back to normal but due to pain levels and OTC meds not helping at that time (pain lasted 4 days) I decided to take one of my family members Tramadol they weren't needing to see if it would help.  Unfortunately it didn't help but I continued to take the tramadol anyways because of the way it made me feel.  At first I didn't think anything of it because there were only 30-40 of them and my addictive brain told me that I might as well continue to take them all since there's a finite amount and I won't be able to get anymore, so enjoy it. 

However, over the course of 2 weeks my brain got right back to thinking intensely about adderall and the effects it had on altering my mind. I was unfortunately offered a 20mg IR and took it from them but didn't take it right then.  I hung onto it and battled with my mind until I took just a little 5mg piece and mixed into a drink the next day (Day 90).  When it hit 30 minutes later all I wanted was more so I took the rest of the pill and unfortunately I didn't have regret or anger, it worked like it did back when I first took it.  I hated that it worked so well because I knew it was tricking me and all I could think about was getting more. I then ran out of Tramadol like the next day but then the Adderall was all I wanted.

A week later I was at a new doctors office getting a script and bam, I was off to the races again.  Within 2 days of taking it though all the negatives were back. The way I felt when I had taken it the week before was gone, but I couldn't stop.   From mid November thru December I basically took it everyday, normally around 60-100 mg a day. I was also buying them from people I knew had some and burned through a chunk of my Christmas bonus to keep it going.  I had such better plans for that money....

Whats good is I decided I needed to stop before this continued to escalate.  So New Years Day was day one and I must say I still had no intentions of quitting, I had a refill come up yesterday and I planned on taking it but once I picked them up I called my friend who is 4+ years clean and he helped to remind me why I quit in the first place and took my mind back to how great i was feeling before the relapse...I wasn't perfect by any means but that sense of despair and overall death was gone during that clean time.  So I got rid of the medicine and had this overwhelming sense of joy about being back on track. I went and completed my extensive service repair I had scheduled that afternoon meds free and it was such a morale boost.  Today I'm here posting about it to yall so I can get back on track and put this all behind me again.

Long Story short, if you know your an addict you need to abstain from alcohol or substances that you know alter your mind because they always said you will find your drug of choice at the bottom of the bottle, glass or plastic. I didn't want to believe that me taking Tramadol would lead me back to adderall but it did. Lesson learned.

Day 7 - Back in the fight

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@eric thanks for sharing! It takes a lot of courage to come back into recovery after a relapse like that, so I think it’s really cool to have you back on here. Doesn’t surprise me the Tramadol led to relapse. Our types really don’t do well with substances of any kind. Especially painkillers. I know the moment I put 1 substance into my body, it’ll ignite the rest of my addictions. It’s just how I’m wired. I lose control when the seal of sobriety is broken. Which is scary, but also very motivating. Good to have you back, you’re not alone!

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@DrewK15 Thanks for the response and encouraging words.  It did feel tough getting back on here and talking about my mistake but I'm glad I did because it helped me to revisit what went wrong.  I'm so glad I didn't break yesterday when I had that refill in my hand as well.  It's insane how intense the internal struggle can be within your mind.  So at this moment I truly feel back on track as much as I can and a little bit more aware about avoiding future substances. Thanks again!

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Man oh man i can 100% relate.  I was so proud of myself - almost 30 days sober from the main culprits - adderall and tomazepam - (but i also wasn't taking my occasional klonapin or opioid either.  The first 2 weeks were literal hell.  I was finally starting to feel really really good.  Then I went home over Christmas and all was well... I went to lunch with an old friend who ordered a margarita and I wanted to have one too.  So I did.  (And I actually know drinking isn't my problem.)  But what happened is that I didn't like the way I felt but it lit up that seeking system and all I wanted was to go back to feeling how I used to feel.  So I went home and took a bunch of adderall and temazepam, etc.  I am really embarrassed bc I barely remember anything and I know some people were really worried about me...  So, I had a 3 day lapse over xmas.  then I got back on the band wagon and have been 17 days sober, and really feeling balanced.  The anxiety has been subsiding and I am seeing how I don't need adderall.  then Tuesday at work, idk what the fuck i was thinking but I just wanted to "feel differently."  I had a client I didn't feel like talking to and she's easier to deal with when I don't care about anything, so i searched the drawers and found some old tramadol.  Took those, and then immediately took adderall and klonapin.  so of course i just let that bleed over into Wednesday and now I'm fucking up all night and don't want to go to work tomorrow, Thursday.   I might actually not go.  But it's so insideous b/c i really really really thought i was done!  ugh!!!!  okay, so what i have learned is that i need to be accountable on here.  I am going to start posting every day.  Like it's just a thing to do.  B/c now that I'm back close to it again, I feel myself waivering about whether i should take it tomorrow (today) or not.  I WILL NOT.  I am supposed to get up in an hour.  I really feel like taking my meetings by phone and skype today and not going in.  I am going to choose that.  BUT i have to recognize that i can do this one hour at a time.  I have to go back to that place i was before where i remember that i am overcoming a major addiction so i cannot be too hard on myself or bite off more than i can chew.  Breathe.  I can do this.  

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@DelaneyJuliette stick with it, you’re more than capable of staying clean. I know how you feel, it’s really really hard, but it can be done and from reading your posts I know you can do this. 
 

Adderall, alcohol, temazepam, klonapin, tramadol. That’s a lot of drugs. I don’t know you or your situation, but I think taking a look at stopping the other drugs and drinking would set you up for success. Clean out the pills you’re keeping “just in case”. Very few ever successfully quit when they have immediate access to the drugs they struggle with. You can do this! Keep on posting and sharing your journey.

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27 minutes ago, DrewK15 said:

Clean out the pills you’re keeping “just in case”. Very few ever successfully quit when they have immediate access to the drugs they struggle with.

@DelaneyJuliette this right here. i can almost guarantee that those "idk what the fuck i was thinking" moments only occurred because you knew you had access to the drugs.

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You're completely right, and I need to come up with a solution.  Alcohol isn't an issue b/c I stopped drinking years ago (except for that margarita, lol.)  The problem is that my husband has scripts for all of those things.  He doesn't take them addictively like I do though.  He knows what I am doing, except he doesn't know about this most recent lapse.  I think I need to buy a lock box and put any meds he has in there and have it be a passcode that only he knows so that I don't have any option to have access to them.  To my pleasant surprise, today was not hard like I expected it to be.  I am so grateful that I just had that "done" feeling again after sleeping for an hour.  However, I can already feel myself starting to convince myself why I would benefit from taking something to sleep.  Ahhhh!  Wow I really have issues.  I was fine all day until just now and I'm like... it's the end of the day, I'm going to bed soon...  OMG i am so ashamed.  I just took a klonapin.  (I am only ashamed b/c I am telling on myself, not because I did it.)  Don't know why I felt the need to share that but it felt relevant.  I did it b/c I didn't like feeling that craving (I know how to ride it out) and I justified to myself that this really is my last one so it's okay.  OMG the self justification and rationalization and lies to myself are unreal!  Okay I am not waiting until I buy a lock box.  I am going to get all the meds tonight and have my husband take them to work with him tomorrow.  I don't think I'll be tempted tomorrow, but I'm not messing around with this shit anymore.  

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