DelaneyJuliette

Day 4

16 posts in this topic

I said I was going to try to post every day here so, here goes.  Today is day 4.  (Reminder, I had 27 days, then 3 day lapse, then 2 weeks, then 4 day lapse.)  Anyway, I have a lot of anxiety right now, but I am okay.  This time it's sticking.  I know where I went wrong before and I'm taking steps to make it be different.  Hope everyone has a great day. 

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@DelaneyJuliette I just want to let you know you’re not alone. I went on a full 8 day bender but finishing up my 4th day clean with you. What’s crazy is the past 2 days at work have been insane but I pulled thru. I also have another very close friend that is on day 9 today so that’s awesome as well. Hope your day was good!

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Eric, thank you so much for reaching out.  It literally made my day to get your message.  I feel a bit silly writing this, but sometimes when I post here and no one responds I feel lonely.  Rationally I know that it doesn't mean that people aren't here, supporting me, going through similar things, but emotionally I still feel it sometimes, lol.  Today is day 5 and right now I'm really anxious.  I tend to feel really anxious in the mornings.  I'm just super overwhelmed with too much to do.  I have to keep telling myself that it's okay.  Just one thing at a time.  

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You are never alone! I am on day 14 today. 

 

Like you, mornings are tough. I don't necessarily feel anxious, but exhausted, and those first thoughts creeping in..."oh, I don't have any adderall. I don't take adderall anymore. Shit!" (or something to that effect). I would look forward to waking up in the morning just to take a pill. But then as I dove deeper into my addiction, I wasn't even able to wake up in the morning...or if I did, I was exhausted and sleep-deprived. 

This morning, I woke up and threw myself a dance party. Something I like to do in sobriety is actively list the things I realize I love, but forgot about or neglected when I was using. I love music and dancing -- but I couldn't feel that when I was using, that is a SOUL thing! 

Make a list. Listen to music. Dance. EAT something and actually enjoy it. Sleep when you need to. Don't push yourself. And share, share, share. On these message boards and in those rooms of recovery.

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Almost done with the workday, just rounding out day 5.  I feel super anxious in the mornings too... especially in my job where things can be just fine one second and then all of the sudden all hell is breaking loose (IT job). I wish I delivered mail or something where its kind of the same routine everyday (a close family member is a mailman so I know all about the negatives too) lol.  Oh well, for the current time I try to take it one hour at a time during the work day, and in the evenings I normally try to watch at least one Intervention episode and cruise around on this site after dinner and getting my son to bed.

GOOD LUCK! Keep Posting!!!

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Good morning Day 6!  I am making it a habit to check this forum once a day; morning seems to work best for me.  I am anxious in the mornings largely b/c there is SO MUCH TO DO and I can't get myself to do it!  But, life goes on and I get it done somehow.  Or I don't.  I would like to add back in reading for fun or even watching tv.  But it's only day 6, so it's okay to just be where I am.  :)

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Well, made it thru day 6. Just a long day but thankfully not to stressful, didn’t think about adderall too much either. Just checking in and wishing everyone a good day tomorrow! Good luck to all!

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@DelaneyJuliette Just checking in and hoping things are still going good.  I'm almost thru Day 19.  Feeling pretty fatigued today and upset about that, until I remembered I stayed up late watching Netflix and then woke up at 4:30 am and was unable to fall back asleep.... I need to remember that most people would be dragging after only a few hours of sleep the night before lol. It's funny how 4 hours of sleep seemed plenty when on adderall.

Overall, I'm doing good and feel even better after typing out this simple post. Good Luck!

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@eric thank you SO much for thinking about me!!  That literally made my day!!  I am doing well!!  I am on Day 9.  I decided to start my day count over 9 days ago. I had a terrible cold a couple of weekends ago while on a trip with my daughter and I didn't have any cold meds (and I had to drive 5 hours) but I did have some old Ritalin in my purse so I took that to get me through.  It worked, and interestingly I didn't feel anything other than awake, but I'm super proud of myself for recognizing the pattern early.  Even though at the time I didn't feel anything other than awake, looking back, I am totally able to see how it changed my perspective on things.  I ended up buying so much more than I needed to or would have if I hadn't been on it, and I also waaaay over-scheduled us b/c I was ready to just keep going and going....  (even though I was so sick!!)  I sure paid for that on Monday and had to take most of the week off work b/c the cold got so bad.  No more of that for me!  I've been dealing with a TON of anxiety since then but it's getting a little better.  I still am so overwhelmed at all of the things I "need to get done" and "don't have time to do" but I also realize that I wouldn't have "more time" on adderall, even though it felt like it.  I so relate to what you are talking about re: waking up at 4:30am and not falling back to sleep!  On monday i woke up at 3:30am and couldn't fall back to sleep, and come 8pm I was a ZOMBIE and I couldn't figure out why I felt so bad!  It reminds me of a post someone made on here before where they said something like, "I keep finding myself asking, 'What's wrong with me?!' and then I remember 'OMG i just quit an amphetamine addiction cold turkey a couple of months ago!'"  That sticks with me so much and I keep reminding myself of that.  I feel better now too.  U rock. 

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On 1/23/2020 at 9:36 AM, Sleepyandsober said:

my fellow day counters, @eric & @DelaneyJuliette, where do y'all live? I'm in NYC and open to hitting meetings!

I'm nowhere near NYC but if I was I'd go with you!!  :)  I used to be in AA about 10 years ago and I actually went back to an AA meeting once last week and I didn't hate it!  LOL.  It's funny how much I absolutely hated it while I was no longer "sober."  I still don't want it to be like it was back 10 years ago for me, but I am not closed off too it anymore and going back felt really comforting, familiar and helpful.  

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@DelaneyJuliette Congratulations on day 9 and being honest with yourself.  I'm glad to see you post and be in good spirits. 

About a week ago on Amazon Prime I watched a PBS Nova Documentary on Addiction(2018) and one of the people on it said "People recover from addiction. No one is unreclaimable. The only thing you can't recover from is death".  Idk why but that has stuck with me alot... I'm not dead so I can recover from this ya know. Anyways it was worth a watch, especially in recovery.  It's mainly focused on the opioid epidemic but they talk about dopamine levels in the brain and how drugs in general affect it. And essentially "dopamine is motivation" and when your on drugs you stop producing it and obviously when your not on your drug you feel nothing.  Until your abstinent awhile...ya know basic stuff most of us know on here, but it was super interesting to watch. Made me feel better about having zero motivation at the moment to do anything.  Realizing that chemically my brain has been through the wringer.

 

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