Never knew

[StAnne0822]

Good afternoon, I'm so glad I found this site.  I felt like a fool when I was given an intervention in December...now I feel like my real life is back with my heart breaking.  My wife doesn't believe adderall caused me to have psychosis.   Here's my story:

10 years ago I was struggling with irritability and my wife suggested I see a therapist.   I went to the first session alone,  the second session my wife went alone, then the third session the therapist suggested to my wife and I that I had adhd at 36 years old, that she suggested I take adderall to "slow" my brain.  My wife and I discussed it and I took the suggestion despite being hesitant as I've never taken drugs, I rarely drink and didn't want to be dependent.   Instantly I felt euphoric and thinking back my feelings were out of this world at first.  Started on 20 mg or, then in 4 months switched to 30 mg xr that I took every day for 10 years.  I never realized I was distancing myself,  was paying our bills making a good amount of money and felt invincible looking back.  I would give money to someone if they needed it, never tell my kids no and I'd tell my wife we were fine financially as I knew in my head that money doesn't run out...I loved the feeling of making people happy and when I would get home from work looking forward to seeing my family I had a short fuse and would yell, then my wife would say "why don't you ever slow down" or "think before you speak"...I'd go to bed thinking what the hell did you do and say...I felt like a growing pressure was in my head and it was impossible to stop.  My wife would want to talk about money and I'd say we are perfectly fine, my brain again believing it will never run out.  Then I started to become increasingly paranoid that people,  everyone was out to get me.  I mean everyone!  I would be cautious around everyone,  including my wife then it grew and I was convinced she wanted to get rid of me and I could never talk to her about this.  Reality was and is my wife is the most caring person in the world.  My wife would say to me you need your stomach checked as you "explode" on the toilet, you sweat to much and I started shaking...my kids would laugh as I couldn't put a glass to my mouth without shaking.   I had this thing that people including my family would laugh at where I'd grab my shirt constantly and couldn't stop. Pulling at it unaware until someone said something.   My paranoid feelings grew increasingly,  my heart rate was through the roof.  My primary care is the one who 10 years ago took the suggestion from the therapist to give me adderall...I have serious heart history in my family,  including strokes.  He gave me the medication and twice a year I would see him for 9 years as he knew my heart history and my father had passed from a stroke.  Over that time,  once a year I'd take a 10 minute test with him to validate the adhd...what a joke I now know!!!  He observed much of the side effects and I'd ask if I'd ever get off adderall and he'd say no you need it to survive...who was I to argue as I didn't realize then I was dependent.   He started giving me various blood pressure meds to help...foolish as it was the adderall driving the issues.   Increasingly I now recall it becoming difficult to talk to my wife as I feared her...this is crazy if you ever met her and knew how incredible she is, yet I was like a child fearing an abusive parent.  She was out to get me I believed!!  Then our debt grew, I was still convinced we'd never run out of money,  unable to think beyond the next day I would use credit,  depleted our savings,  used my 401k to draw it to 0, took loans thinking we'd be ok, money never stops coming.   My wife grew increasingly concerned with me lying,  my irritability and distance.  I was always feeling like I couldn't let her down and feared her and feared disappointing my kids.  My wife would say you go to bed angry and wake up sunshine and roses...I took adderall every day for 10 years between 6:30 and 7:30 am.  Our troubles got worse and I had no idea anything was wrong as I'd forget yesterday's problems each day...they would simply disappear until my wife would say "why'd you yell like you did at the kids?" "It's almost like you don't think!".  My wife knew I took the drug and suggested I get a booster for at night.  Neither of us knew the daily medication I took to be "better" was actually and literally killing me.  Twice last year I was ready to end my life...I am not a person who quits anything but I reached a point of "why can't I control my thoughts and actions"!  My wife filed for divorce in November,  I went out of my mind crying every day, could not compose myself as a 46 year old man!!  I found a counselor who suggested partial hospitalization for my "depression and ADHD".  I reluctantly admitted myself...first day there the person checking me in listened to me explain my fears and said you don't have adhd, it's something else.  I fought with her and said no, I have adhd and have taken medication for 10 years as my pcp validated it.  Day 2 they suggest I stop taking adderall and I fought them saying no way I need it to live and you have no idea what you are talking about.   I was in the program for 10 days...on day 4 they brought me into an office with 3 people who had observed me and said I need to get off the adderall....I had a complete meltdown...they had called my pcp I found out after talking to him, and he was pissed I went to this program without telling him.  In the hallway I completely lost it, was yelling at them as to how could you do this to me.  They have me clonindide and the psychiatrist said I'd feel better than I've ever felt in a week if I listened to them.  They had me doing mindfulness exercises and I would pray...very faithful.   Over that next week life started to slowly improve and it was like I came out from being a prisoner in my own brain.  They told me to journal what I noticed.  One afternoon, day 7 they said to me " do you know you haven't grabbed your shirt in 2 days"...that moment it hit me like a ton of bricks...that evil adderall was killing me.  They explained I was on speed for 10 years and couldn't slow down enough to think,  nevermind know there was problems.   My wife didn't believe the medication was causing me problems and I had control.   I've tried explaining to her as the hospital explained to me that I was in an amphetamine driven pyschotic state, equal to being an alcoholic drinking each day...I was "drunk" daily and crashing each night, my brain and body took a toll.   

Things I noticed in my road to recovery:

I'm alive- no more risk of heart attack or ending my own life 

Shaking ended 

Stomach problems gone 

Sweating stopped 

No more constant noise in my head

Bloody nose - never had them in my life until the past couple of years.  They became bad.. dr said it was my blood pressure....it was the adderall driving my increased heart rate!!  Haven't had one since coming off

Anger - I was so angry with my wife for filing for divorce I kept her up all night with uncontrollable panic and outburst blaming her for not trying

Feeling- I regained feelings I never realized I lost while taking the drug

Fear- no more believing everyone was out to get me.  My thoughts have slowed

Soul- my brain has slowed enough to allow my heart and soul to speak!!!

I could go on with more but feel like a fool that I took such a dangerous medication that my wife and I trusted the guidance of a therapist after only 3 sessions (she saw me 10 more times after being on the drug as euphoric as can be).  The hospital told me that should've been the sign for her to take me off.  My dr who I trusted gave me the drug telling me I needed it...neither of them giving us guidance,  warnings about the risks of side effects (which I clearly displayed in front of him for 9 years), or that my wife should monitor my behavior.  

Adderall took over my life and I feel so foolish for not knowing.  I now know with the help of an amazing team at the hospital that the medication put me in my own reality and it was killing me and hurting everyone around me.  I'm trying now,  with the help of this site that I never would've thought to look into while on adderall,  to show my wife we aren't alone with the medication being catastrophically wrong.  It turns out I had generalized anxiety and as the hospital says to me "you were given rocket fuel to grow an illness that not only doesn't require medication,  adderall would be the most dangerous medication you could be put on".  I now hope to try to save my marriage as I had no control over what the evil medication did to me.  I feel like we sold my soul 10 years ago when we agreed to the negligent guidance and I've finally regained full control.   

I look forward to your thoughts and comments. 

[LuLamb]

I'm so glad you are here and that you finally found the right people to help you back in December. It's so infuriating and heart-breaking to read your story. It really is beyond comprehension to me how oblivious so many doctors still are about the fact that Adderall is speed-plain and simple, and that it is destroying lives left and right. I don't get it. I'm glad that you are your wife are working together in your recovery. This site has been a godsend for me, and I hope you'll take full advantage of it. We all need to hear your story. How did you fare after getting out of the hospital? How long were you there? What all have you been doing to get through these months without Adderall? How were your detox/withdrawal? Looking forward to hearing more from you. 

[StAnne0822]

I last took adderall on December 1, 2019, a date I'll always remember. At first I was completely exhausted and somewhat "dazed and confused" to start to sort through what the hell just happened.   My wife sadly is not working to save our marriage as she doesn't believe adderall made me lose control.   I was seeing, hearing, thinking and feeling things that were not real.  I tried to explain to her I was in a prolonged state of psychosis that I was numb and blind to what was going on around me.  I really wish she would be willing to understand that the medication was dividing us...not me!  It was such a slap in the face after 9 years trusting my dr on the drug and who I've been with for 16 years.  I don't know that I ever want to see him again.  Now I'm feeling better than I've ever felt, my original illness that we tried to resolve is addressed yet the negligence of the therapist and my dr caused so much damage in our lives- emotionally, physically and financially.  My wife wants nothing to do with talking to the hospital as they've offered to explain to her I was a victim not in control.   It messed me up and I almost died!!  I was in the hospital for 10 days in their partial hospitalization program...there were others there with similar adderall evil issues in their lives.  Hoping to have my wife know I truly was a prisoner in my own brain.  

[dolssa]

Welcome to the forum! Adderall is very dangerous, but especially dangerous when you don't know how it can really affect you. It is absurd that doctors can just prescribe this stuff to people without explaining the side effects (also to kids thats fucking insane). When I went to my doctor to get it, i was already addicted having friends who all took it and gave to me. I knew i was getting speed. my doctor was my drug dealer for 5 years. it was shocking how easy it was to go in there and get.  I am sorry to hear about what happened to you. glad you are on the right path now.  We have close quit dates mine was Nov 11, 2019. So we are in this together. It hasnt been easy, but stay close to the forums and take it a day at a time. We can do this. heres to recovery and an addy free life.

[StAnne0822]

Thank you @dolssa.  I'm really struggling as I never knew it was the medication causing me so many problems to the point I never knew why I was the way I was.  It messed me up, caused me to behave horribly!  My wife doesn't believe it can effect someone to create paranoia,  psychosis and mania...I had no idea what any of it was until I went through the partial hospitalization program.

You have no idea what it feels like to come out of the darkness,  given answers that you aren't crazy, you were heavily medicated and effected by its side effects since the day you first took it, to find thousands of stories and resources validating it all, to see the damage it caused and to fight daily for the person who means the world to me to remain as my partner,  my friend, my wife who is unwilling to accept the truth. 

It really is horrible right now that she doesn't believe me.  I've tried to encourage her to visit this site to read real life stories.  She thinks I'm making it up!

[dolssa]

I am sorry to hear that. I feel like all you can do now is focus on yourself and your recovery and hope she takes the time to look at this site or sees how you improve without it in your life. I know how frustrating it is to try to explain to a person how bad adderall is and them not believing it.  My mom tries to get me to go back on it everyday, she does not understand that it has hurt me very negatively and thinks that because a doctor prescribes it, it cant be bad. she calls me a downer now because i am depressed without my lil pill of energy. I try to explain to her that i am addicted to it, and all the negative things it does not jut to me but to everyone that theres a website dedicated to the lives its ruined, but she still doesn't get it. the only thing I can do is get better and hopefully in the long run she can see it was the right thing to do. 

[Tom23Jones]

On 4/4/2020 at 10:40 AM, StAnne0822 said:

It really is horrible right now that she doesn't believe me.  I've tried to encourage her to visit this site to read real life stories.  She thinks I'm making it up!

Hi Stan, congrats on a few months off adderall.  Those early months are the toughest.

As far as trying to convince your wife to believe you, I'd lay off that.  Your addiction has put her and yourself through some hellish times and the last thing she wants to hear is that everything is going to be better. Shes probably tried getting things to change for many years. You just have to let your actions show her. Focus on being your best self and hopefully as you get back to the old you she'll come around.