OneDay

How are you feeling today?

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Hi I'm new here and still debating writing my story but hardly have the energy to even type this.  Been 16 days clean now, I took 60MG IR for 10 years.  

Feeling pretty depressed today. I have no energy. I'm scared to start work back up after quarantine.. if I don't get fired.  I plan to drink tons of coffee though so that should help hopefully.  

How are you doing today? How long have you been clean?

 

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Hello, would definitely like to hear your story once your up for sharing it.  Depression and lack of energy is totally normal 16 days in.  Congrats on getting through 2+ weeks without adderall, thats no easy task.

I was taking 60 to 100+mg daily for 10 years and have been clean now for 4 years in May.  I'm doing great, its crazy to think of how chaotic life use to be when I was speeding out of my mind.  Some things that helped me big time were lifting weights, cardio, jiu jitsu, meditation, eating clean, drinking lots of water and attending NA meetings (might have to be after the quarantine)

Keeping it going, you've made it through the toughest few days

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I feel the exact same way today! I am at 21 days clean. Yesterday I had sooo much energy, but today I can hardly do a single thing, I’m all over the place and can’t even  hold a conversation because listening is too hard. I’m supposed to be working from home, but can’t say that’s happening. Today is the first day I’ve been very tempted to take a pill, I hope this stage doesn’t last too long. 

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I've been clean for a month and a half now - it's tough. When I'm on the drug, I feel like myself, I feel like there's hope to live the life I'm destined to live. The drug has motivated me to do volunteer work, finish my degree in the field I love... But without it, I feel like I'm not myself. I feel so weighed down. Making better choices in terms of eating right and exercise helps, but it's still not the same. 

 

Ultimately, I quit, because although the drug does trigger a conscious realization of my true self, eventually I went down a rabbit hole and ironically didn't feel like I was living in my own body due to tolerance build up and feeling like I wasn't there. Everything inside me told me enough was enough and that I had to quit before I ficked up my brain permanently, so I did.

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the challenge, in part, is to relax the habit of comparing life without adderall to life at the beginning of taking adderall. quitting is like the death of loved one who also mistreated you. after they die, you miss terribly the love part, and you have a blind-spot for the how-they-mistreated-you part. it's a new-normal you have to seek. 

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13 hours ago, LuLamb said:

the challenge, in part, is to relax the habit of comparing life without adderall to life at the beginning of taking adderall. quitting is like the death of loved one who also mistreated you. after they die, you miss terribly the love part, and you have a blind-spot for the how-they-mistreated-you part. it's a new-normal you have to seek. 

^ totally this. well said!

part of this new-normal for me was shelving some of my passions / hobbies and exploring some new ones. the problem was that i just couldn't enjoy those things because Adderall's effect on them was too still too fresh in my mind. it was a constant battle of trying something, comparing it to how i felt on Adderall, and being really disappointed. it was a vicious, reinforcing cycle of depression.

one day i realized i was keeping myself in the circle by clinging on to the past. so i just let those things go for a while. it's okay to let them go in the short term so that they may come back to you when you're in a better state of mind (:

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This is so weird. I just had my monthly Peer Group meeting with my counselor colleagues. We each take turns leading the meeting and presenting a training. I never know in advance what the training will be about. This morning is was on "Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief" !!!!! I related all of it to quitting Adderall.  Here are some snippets:

Meaning does not take away pain...it becomes a cushion for the pain

Meaning does not equal understanding. 

Only you can find your own meaning. 

Meaningful connections will replace painful memories. 

Most of us will not find large scale meaning...there is meaning to be found in even the smallest moments if we look for it and make a point of creating it. 

People can get stuck in one emotion with no found meaning. 

People can remain stuck in their loss, becoming dedicated to it, making it the focus of their life, losing all other sense of purpose or direction. 

We falsely believe that in time your grief will get smaller. The reality is that you must get bigger. You grow around your grief. 

Mover from the WHY to the HOW...there is never a satisfying why. 

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OH! And apropos to this thread's title: 

Don't ask, "How are you?" Ask, "How are you TODAY?"

 

 

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On 4/17/2020 at 2:30 PM, LuLamb said:

People can remain stuck in their loss, becoming dedicated to it, making it the focus of their life, losing all other sense of purpose or direction. 

We falsely believe that in time your grief will get smaller. The reality is that you must get bigger. You grow around your grief. 

these two REALLY resonate with me - once we label ourselves as addicts, we sometimes think that recovery is just "waiting out" the addict, that eventually you just won't think about it and be cured. the real path to recovery is actually "getting bigger" than it - doing something that you didn't think you could do without it!

you need to outperform the addict to beat it (:

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It seems like every day i'm not on Adderall i do something i didn't think i could do without it, lol. Yesterday, my boyfriend and i decided to get out of the house and go for a long drive to get out of the city. we took my dog and since his crate and stuff is in my truck, i drove. I was really tired because i didn't sleep well the night before and I felt this big trigger of, "I NEED ADDERALL TO DO THIS!!!" Thankfully, I have no adderall and I was able to recognize that while the trigger FEELS VALID - feels true, I knew it was not true. I knew I COULD do the driving and navigate the day without Adderall. I have to make peace with the fear that somehow I, and the experience of the day, won't be as "FUN" or "EXCITING" to move past it, but I knew it was do-able. And it was. And it was good times. 

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