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brooklynuser

Quarantine relapse (3rd month now…)

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Hey guys, this is my first post but I've been a browser for a while. In fact I had first come across this site and the forums a year ago when I initially admitted to myself that I have an Adderall problem. Like many others, I first took it in college to help write an essay, and within a year and a half I got my own prescription, and it's now been about 4 years that I've been taking it regularly and then, later, abusing it. 

Since my 'awakening' into my addiction last spring, I honestly haven't really been trying to quit, even though I've known i should. But all of last year I was freelancing for a few companies and unfortunately Adderall was what helped me do it all (and of course I'd have way too much fun with it, too).

So after several months of not-really-trying-to-quit-but-having-it-in-the-back-of-my-mind, in January, I landed my dream job working full-time at an awesome company in NYC (where I've lived for a while now). I thought, this is a perfect opportunity for me to manage my Adderall intake for real—even though it would help me in my job, that would be its only purpose and I would no longer use it recreationally or pull all-nighters or anything like that, which i would do often.

My first day on the job was in early February, and things were going great. I saw my psychiatrist the next week (who, granted, does not know about my problem, as I've hidden it from her for years so I can 'secure' my supply), and got my prescription, and didn't stray off track for the most part. There were a couple hiccups over one weekend where I took more than I needed to (which wasn't at all, since it was a weekend), but other than that I finally felt like I was on the path to taking adderall 'normally'. I was even planning on going to 12-step meetings (for ACoAs) after work on Thursdays; the only reason I hadn't gone to my first one I had planned was because  I had another thing to do that night, but I digress.

You probably know where this is going already, but after just slightly more than 1 month in the office with things going well, we were all ordered to begin working from home the second week of March due to coronavirus (and, being in NYC, it was especially serious). In a nutshell, all the progress I felt I'd made and the path I thought i'd traced out for myself went down the drain. Although my work duties didn't change (in fact only became more busy and demanding), the fact that I didn't have to commute to the office, and that my boyfriend (who is aware of my problem, but who has thought and still thinks I've been good with it since I've been hiding it from him) has been quarantining at his family's house in another state, AND that I've spent almost every day for the past 2 months in the same apartment / mostly my bedroom where my addiction really took off in the first place while I was freelancing, ON TOP OF all the boredom and stress and general caged-in feeling that a lot of people have these days—all of these added up to me relapsing. 3 times, in fact. 

Today is Saturday, and since I got my new refills last Thursday (I'm prescribed 20mg XR capsules and 20mg IR tablets for a total of 60 pills), I've pulled 4 all nighters for no reason (one on a work night), taken dozens of pills in about 10 days, and I actually didn't sleep last night either. (I am not on adderall as I'm writing this though; just having trouble falling asleep for a nap…) and every tmie someting like this happens (as I said this is the third time I've gotten my pills refilled since quarantine started), I run out as per usual and have at least 1 or 2 weeks without it where I feel happier and more like myself, but also WAY less productive and my cravings get really bad, I even have dreams about getting my adderall back in the days leading up to it.

I don't really know what to expect from all this, if I'll be able to get better and get back on track once things go back to normal, but who knows when that will even be, or if I will ever be able to kick this? I just feel like a ball of anxiety and confusion and guilt and shame and self-loathing and since I'm keeping it secret from everyone I know this go-around, the only place I can come to and people I can talk to are you guys here. I'm also not sure what kind of advice I'm looking for but I'd appreciate any kind, of course…just kind of wanted to put my thoughts and my current reality out there somewhere because maybe someone else can relate, especially now.

tl;dr: Relapsing multiple times in quarantine sucks. As if it wasn't already lonely enough.

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There’s never a good time to quit. Ever. If you are on the fence, Id say just quit now and never go back. It will just keep getting worse the cycles will just continue each month until you break it. It’s up to you. Just remember there will never be a good day or a day when your life has slowed down enough to where it makes sense. 

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hi @brooklynuser

thanks for sharing your story, and hope you're staying safe over there! the quarantine sucks for sure, and i can imagine how challenging it makes your current situation. i confess, i'm a little confused about your current state of usage. so when you say "relapse", it sounds like you mean you're going from normal prescribed dose to abuse? i definitely see how being stuck at home all day can exacerbate this.here's the thing - even if you manage to control your use and maintain "normal" usage, you're basically doing the same amount of damage to yourself in the long-term.

the best case scenario if you continue using? fast forward 3 years from now, the Adderall isn't working the same way it used to, but your life and responsibilities continue to increase. the magic is gone and you're just left with this burden of a pill that doesn't help but if you stop taking it you become useless. you regret not quitting earlier.

worst case scenario? you're abuse gets worse, you fuck up your life and bottom-out. you regret not quitting earlier.

as you can see, both scenarios are no good. there is no better time than NOW while you have a built in excuse to avoid most social encounters! take advantage of this time and kick the habit before it becomes worse, and much harder to quit down the road. you know this to be true, that's why your here.

gl and keep us updated (:

 

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