My Brain is Mean

[HairsprayQueen]

I’m trying to quit after a particularly bad relapse and binge. Today, my brain chained me to the couch in that weird state of sleep that comes during the “acute phase” of withdrawal. During those hours, my brain drug me through every sad thought and fucked up past rejection and regret it could imagine. My brain gave me ideas to message exes, even suggestions for what to say. Thank God I didn’t follow through on any of this, but now that I’m awake, I feel like I’ve been through war. 
 

I checked Facebook in an attempt to fill my thoughts with other people’s problems, only to learn that one of my first patients passed away this morning. All I want to do is sit in my bathtub and cry. 
 

Can anyone relate? 

[sweetupbaaby]

Yes....absolutely. I don't even speak to anyone about the darkness in my head because I don't feel like they could ever understand. Most days is complete despair, Intrusive thoughts, weird and dark thoughts and ideas, sometimes suicidal thoughts (although I don't believe I would act on them, I just can't take the feeling of going crazy) It's almost like OCD but fueled by darkness, it's crazy!! I honestly attribute this to my PTSD and panic and anxiety due to a lot of unresolved trauma in my life, but Adderall withdrawal has no doubt been a factor in my deteriorating condition. I know this is because my brain and nervous system needs to recalibrate and truly I just try to be as patient as possible and to not attach myself to the passing thoughts.

Mindfulness meditation is soooo helpful when you do it consistently. Depression can be a factor in recovering from Adderall use. I am not surprised by the condition of my mental state because I abused high amounts of XR at a time.

When it gets bad, I go for a walk just in any direction. Or I absolutely push myself to work out, because I always feel better after I do. I make sure to get enough sleep, to eat well, and to drink a lot of water throughout the day. I like to think I am pretty resilient to adversity in my life by now. That doesn't mean it doesn't feel like you're going through hell. I totally understand where you are coming from, Thank God for quarantine to recover. I don't think I could go through this in normal working conditions.

[sweetupbaaby]

Also...I was NOT prepared for all of the shit that happened on Adderall to resurface and to be dealt with in a sober state of mind. I am starting to realize I suppressed A LOT of stuff I didn't want to deal with by popping more pills. Fooling myself thinking I could numb that pain away forever. Haha. What a sad mistake....dealing with all these past issues in my sober, vulnerable state is exhausting!! By the way, I have some pretty crazy intense dreams at night, every night! I wake up so tired from the mental energy consumed by my dreams and nightmares.

[HairsprayQueen]

34 minutes ago, sweetupbaaby said:

Also...I was NOT prepared for all of the shit that happened on Adderall to resurface and to be dealt with in a sober state of mind. I am starting to realize I suppressed A LOT of stuff I didn't want to deal with by popping more pills. Fooling myself thinking I could numb that pain away forever. Haha. What a sad mistake....dealing with all these past issues in my sober, vulnerable state is exhausting!! By the way, I have some pretty crazy intense dreams at night, every night! I wake up so tired from the mental energy consumed by my dreams and nightmares.

Yes! This is exactly how I feel too...every single unresolved issue that I’ve pushed away. It is so exhausting.