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dolssa

set back

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Hi guys.. if you saw my post last week i was really struggling with depression at a little over 6 months adderall free. I wanted to cave but a few of you really helped me out and talked me out of that (thank you!!) I ended up having a really good rest of the week after those few shitty days. But today i woke up feeling shitty again. I know this is normal but I was dying for an adderall. I stumbled upon one in shorts I havent worn since last summer and I just took it :/ its half of 10 mg. i probably wont get high from it but im so mad at myself for taking it (and looking for it in the first place) I swear i got rid of em all. Anyway I know this doesn't undo ALL the progress in the last 6 months and I have a really hard week ahead of me. any stories of slips like this that didnt end in total relapse destruction please share with me Im feeling really like i fucked everything up

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Hang in there dolssa - it WILL get better.  At 6 months I didn't feel a wink better - full throttle depression and complete loss of executive functioning skills... At 1 year 6 months I am working productively and my depression is so so so much less intense.  The anhedonia is loosening up a little but I am still dealing with it.  Because I just need more time for the one 

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All progress is not lost! I have slipped up before, but it was short-lived and I couldn't even enjoy the little bit of a high I got from that 20mg pill because I felt like a fraud and I felt guilty for taking it. It kinda reminded me why I quit in the first place. Adderall really wipes out all emotions you have- good and bad. I never realized how much I was operating like a robot until I became clean- and all my emotions flooded back full force. I am understanding how important it is to give yourself grace for the slipups you make while in recovery. If you are kind to yourself if and when you relapse, you are more likely to stay clean after that slip, as opposed to getting angry. We are human and we are swimming upstream against a current that wants to drag us in the opposite direction. We are going to face some adversity on this journey. I just have to accept the good and the bad days. And accept the slipups if they come. I recenter, reiterate my intentions, and start again. Keep pushing, you are stronger than you think!

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@DC011381 wow that is such a long time. I am going to try and stay strong I know i can its just mind blowing how slow this process is and how much using affects our brains in the long term

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@sweetupbaaby Thanks for your response. I totally relate about the emotions coming back. Besides the depression I generally love being sober for that same reason. Not going to let this small step back stop be from continuing this path of recovery 

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