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If you’ve ever tried or considered quitting, did you ever experience this emotion/sensation?


MahomeboyKC

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One sentence personal history:

Late twenty-something year old sr. level tech professional who has taken adderall since sophomore year in college (nearing a decade...Jesus) and wants to be done with it and live the happy life I lived before the drug.

Ok now to the title of the post. I’ll cut the extras and get to the chase. It’s this off-putting feeling/experience of (after long term use and complete integration into my life) realizing and suffering the consequences of not having consistency with your drug-self vs non-drug self. Feeling like one half of you is basically a fraud at any given moment (especially while on adderall) and knowing that, “hey, this project that I just had a super serious conversation with my client about regarding it’s importance and necessary completion? I know for a fact that I’ll wake up tomorrow, sober, or Monday morning will come around and if you asked me how urgent or significant that same project was in the grand scheme of things, I’d tell you: “...probably not that big of a deal...””.
 

Now, obviously that example could be it’s own little issue, but what I’m starting to experience in my adderall journey is that I notice and worry that that “disconnect between selves” could potentially be happening at a much larger scale in life now. Like time spent on certain hobbies. Friendships. Serious relationships...

 

I just got out of a horribly emotionally abusive/manipulative relationship with my (ex) fiancé, which is great, but now as I start to make new friends and meet people and remake my life in a sense, I want to make sure that the person I’m showing to the outside world is the same one that will be there when I stop taking the drug. This is, after so many years, the final f*cking “side effect” of this drug that drove me to create an account on this forum and make this post. I’ve never been more sure of wanting out than right now. 
 

Sorry if I rambled or if the end of my post bears no resemblance to the start... #adderallThings

 

Thank you!!

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hi @MahomeboyKC

welcome to the forums - glad you finally decided to join us on the other side (:

your concerns are completely valid. what you're experiencing is a fundamental existential crisis that Adderall creates because it is so hugely impactful on the way you think about everything. as you say, it's not just your work ethic or judgement - it's also what you enjoy doing, who you enjoy being around - basically everything. this was also one of the primary concerns that led me to quitting. it felt like there was an entirely different person living my Adderall life, but nothing that guy did really added any value to the "real me". the problem was the "real me" was so far gone and suppressed that i wasn't even sure he existed anymore.

i'm sure you've read up on the acute withdrawal stuff (fatigue, depression, etc) - the first 90 days or so is more a battle of will power than anything. it is after this that the real challenge begins. i don't mean to scare you, but you may find that the person off the drug is a LOT different than the person on the drug (especially after a decade of use). this can be terrifying, but the quicker you accept this and embrace it as an opportunity for change, the better off you will be.

i often think that the word "recovery" is a bit misleading. when you think of the upcoming challenge as a "return" to normal, you actually fall into the trap of waiting around and comparing everything to how it felt on Adderall. if instead you think of it as a re-creation or re-discovery of yourself, you can potentially avoid a lot of the frustration and feelings of hopelessness.

do you have a plan in mind? a cut-off date? can you take some time off in the beginning? 

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