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MahomeboyKC

If you’ve ever tried or considered quitting, did you ever experience this emotion/sensation?

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One sentence personal history:

Late twenty-something year old sr. level tech professional who has taken adderall since sophomore year in college (nearing a decade...Jesus) and wants to be done with it and live the happy life I lived before the drug.

Ok now to the title of the post. I’ll cut the extras and get to the chase. It’s this off-putting feeling/experience of (after long term use and complete integration into my life) realizing and suffering the consequences of not having consistency with your drug-self vs non-drug self. Feeling like one half of you is basically a fraud at any given moment (especially while on adderall) and knowing that, “hey, this project that I just had a super serious conversation with my client about regarding it’s importance and necessary completion? I know for a fact that I’ll wake up tomorrow, sober, or Monday morning will come around and if you asked me how urgent or significant that same project was in the grand scheme of things, I’d tell you: “...probably not that big of a deal...””.
 

Now, obviously that example could be it’s own little issue, but what I’m starting to experience in my adderall journey is that I notice and worry that that “disconnect between selves” could potentially be happening at a much larger scale in life now. Like time spent on certain hobbies. Friendships. Serious relationships...

 

I just got out of a horribly emotionally abusive/manipulative relationship with my (ex) fiancé, which is great, but now as I start to make new friends and meet people and remake my life in a sense, I want to make sure that the person I’m showing to the outside world is the same one that will be there when I stop taking the drug. This is, after so many years, the final f*cking “side effect” of this drug that drove me to create an account on this forum and make this post. I’ve never been more sure of wanting out than right now. 
 

Sorry if I rambled or if the end of my post bears no resemblance to the start... #adderallThings

 

Thank you!!

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hi @MahomeboyKC

welcome to the forums - glad you finally decided to join us on the other side (:

your concerns are completely valid. what you're experiencing is a fundamental existential crisis that Adderall creates because it is so hugely impactful on the way you think about everything. as you say, it's not just your work ethic or judgement - it's also what you enjoy doing, who you enjoy being around - basically everything. this was also one of the primary concerns that led me to quitting. it felt like there was an entirely different person living my Adderall life, but nothing that guy did really added any value to the "real me". the problem was the "real me" was so far gone and suppressed that i wasn't even sure he existed anymore.

i'm sure you've read up on the acute withdrawal stuff (fatigue, depression, etc) - the first 90 days or so is more a battle of will power than anything. it is after this that the real challenge begins. i don't mean to scare you, but you may find that the person off the drug is a LOT different than the person on the drug (especially after a decade of use). this can be terrifying, but the quicker you accept this and embrace it as an opportunity for change, the better off you will be.

i often think that the word "recovery" is a bit misleading. when you think of the upcoming challenge as a "return" to normal, you actually fall into the trap of waiting around and comparing everything to how it felt on Adderall. if instead you think of it as a re-creation or re-discovery of yourself, you can potentially avoid a lot of the frustration and feelings of hopelessness.

do you have a plan in mind? a cut-off date? can you take some time off in the beginning? 

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To be completely honest, you will be a whole new person. However, that new person will feel emotionally stable, will not be thrown in every direction by their emotion and feelings, will be able to sleep like a normal human being at night, will eat their food at regular intervals, will listen to their family and friends speak and listen to understand, not to respond. That person will develop empathy for others. That person will start to experience real emotions again. That person will begin to develop real relationships. Based on real connections and not trauma.

I consider everything a loss now that I am Adderall free. If I had to lose friends, my job or anything else to be clean, so be it. That's the really scary part about quitting Adderall. Because your life will change exponentially. That's why you have to want to be clean by any means more than anything else in this world. You have to come to the point where taking Adderall is no longer a choice for you. 

You have to choose recovery every day of your life for a very long time. I won't sit here and lie to you. It's a gruesome process and it takes a long time to feel normal again. You will have to put your life as you know it on the backburner and be open to change in all areas. That's why it's a journey only some of us choose to take. Society is so caught up in doing things really fast in a short period of time. Quitting Adderall will be the complete opposite.

However, I will tell you that absolutely nothing you achieve on Adderall is worth the feeling of accomplishment we get from working hard to achieve a goal on our own. You cannot buy that feeling. You cannot pop a pill to get that feeling. Yes, we feel like imposters and a fraud while on Adderall not because we can't achieve high levels without the drug, but because we are so superhuman on Adderall that we expect that level of superiority when we are sober. Which is unattainable. We have set a standard that doesn't even exist unless we're high and that's a dangerous slippery slope.

You will learn new revelations about yourself every day. Getting to know the real you can be scary but it is so rewarding, friend. Set out to be a warrior, this journey makes you resilient above all else. And after you have struggled for a while, you will be able to take on the world, without a drug, and nothing will be able to stop you. Your confidence will be authentic, and it will be sky-high.

It's exhausting to keep up appearances with our Adderall self. Our days turn into weeks, into months, into years, then we wonder how we got here. On Adderall it's all about "what's next, what's next" In reality, life is not suppose to be like that. We should be mindful in everything we do, learn to be content in our current circumstances. The "what's next" mentality makes sure that we never enjoy anything in life. It allows us to only focus on the destination, so we miss out on every day of our lives. The destination usually never exists on Adderall because even if we got there, we would want to move on to the next thing. We gotta learn how to slow down and take things at the pace that the universe intended. 


Also, I do not miss Adderall-induced psychosis at all. That was hell on earth. Also, people notice that I am not strung out on speed anymore. And believe me, it's noticeable to other people even when we don't recognize it.

You have to have the motivation and drive to be clean. It has to be in you to possess because trying to quit on willpower alone won't cut it. Recovery has to be your core concern for a while.

I know you can do this. You know you're sick of living in an Adderall bubble. 

Break out :)

I wish you all the best, we're always here to help you along

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