sweetupbaaby

What is life

8 posts in this topic

Hey friends,

I've been away from the forums for a couple of weeks now (I think). My life has been a blur, I forgot how to tell time there for a bit.

Not to be dramatic, but my life has taken a turn for the worse into full blow depression and anxiety attacks. So much so, that I had to exhaust all of mental energy just to come on here and check up with everyone. It's been 51 days since I have taken a little orange or blue capsule of amphetamine salts and If I am being totally honest, I am having a really hard time coping.

To think that I had this under control was a very misleading emotion. I feel like the hope I had was entirely false. The anhedonia is absolutely brutal. I have absolutely no desire to do anything at all. Every day is deathly boring and if I had the option, I would sleep all day. However, I am very careful not to do that because I know once I get into a cycle of sleeping, I would really spiral into a pit of despair and apathy which I'm trying to avoid (it's very hard to pull yourself out of that pit once you're stuck in its grasp) I try to stay active for that reason. I feel like I have nothing to do because I don't even know who I am anymore, and I have no idea what my interests are as a human being. It's terrifying. I landed on a dating website, and it asked me to write about myself in the profile. To my despair- I had no idea what to write as I feel like I have no idea who I am anymore. I have no personality. I am a walking void of emotion. I don't even know what to feel. Nothing that interested me before interests me now. Please someone tell me that they can relate to this feeling of nothingness!!!

I am truly hoping this will not be my life forever. This feeling of not knowing who I am has triggered chronic PANIC in my body and the anxiety from this void of emotion has exasperated the current anxiety I feel. Such a vicious cycle

Hope everyone is hanging in there

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On 6/23/2020 at 4:13 PM, sweetupbaaby said:

Hey friends,

I've been away from the forums for a couple of weeks now (I think). My life has been a blur, I forgot how to tell time there for a bit.

Not to be dramatic, but my life has taken a turn for the worse into full blow depression and anxiety attacks. So much so, that I had to exhaust all of mental energy just to come on here and check up with everyone. It's been 51 days since I have taken a little orange or blue capsule of amphetamine salts and If I am being totally honest, I am having a really hard time coping.

To think that I had this under control was a very misleading emotion. I feel like the hope I had was entirely false. The anhedonia is absolutely brutal. I have absolutely no desire to do anything at all. Every day is deathly boring and if I had the option, I would sleep all day. However, I am very careful not to do that because I know once I get into a cycle of sleeping, I would really spiral into a pit of despair and apathy which I'm trying to avoid (it's very hard to pull yourself out of that pit once you're stuck in its grasp) I try to stay active for that reason. I feel like I have nothing to do because I don't even know who I am anymore, and I have no idea what my interests are as a human being. It's terrifying. I landed on a dating website, and it asked me to write about myself in the profile. To my despair- I had no idea what to write as I feel like I have no idea who I am anymore. I have no personality. I am a walking void of emotion. I don't even know what to feel. Nothing that interested me before interests me now. Please someone tell me that they can relate to this feeling of nothingness!!!

I am truly hoping this will not be my life forever. This feeling of not knowing who I am has triggered chronic PANIC in my body and the anxiety from this void of emotion has exasperated the current anxiety I feel. Such a vicious cycle

Hope everyone is hanging in there

The good news is that you seem to understand what will trigger you to sink deeper into a dark depression and you are taking some necessary steps to avoid that pitfall. When I was at the stage you are I let myself sink deeper and deeper and I arrived in hell. Your viscous cycle of apathy and anxiety is normal and it will come in debilitating waves. You have to push through and keep moving no matter what you may feel. Quitting long term Adderall use is unbelievably difficult. This is a journey of stripping away pieces of a stranger we really never knew and discovering who we really are underneath. Our wants, desires, needs, interests and so many other things will need to be uncovered through living life unmediated. Be patient with yourself. I think this is one of those things that is built slowly and as you accumulate time you also accumulate newly discovered pieces of your new true self. I’m not going to sugarcoat it. This can be frightening and debilitating at times. I don’t think I have ever felt more self aware of my own lack of understanding myself. Minute by minute we can do the hard work necessary to become who we are meant to be. 

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Adderall is a shortcut to creating a functional imposter. It looks real on the outside but the insides are empty. That’s why we feel so empty when it’s removed. It’s time to do the painful, emotional and necessary work that we always knew we should have done all along. Life is too short to live in bondage to a pill that provides an artificial existence. We owe ourselves to feel the full range of emotions that make life valuable. Fear, pain, sadness, grief, depression and so many negative emotions are a necessary part of self discovery and growth. They are the warnings that guide us to make changes so we can fully embrace the positive emotions life also provides. You are strong and you are just fine. I know it’s dark and scary. Please know that you are going to be ok. You gotta fight harder than you ever have in your life. This sacrifice will be the foundation that the new you is built upon.  

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On 6/23/2020 at 4:13 PM, sweetupbaaby said:

Please someone tell me that they can relate to this feeling of nothingness!!!

Absolutely can relate to this.  For months I wondered if I'd always be consumed with anxiety, despair, and nothingness.  The anhedonia was crippling.  There will be waves of this to weather for a long time but find comfort in knowing that you'll get through it each time as you have before.  Eventually the fog starts to lift and anxiety lightens and you'll find joy in things again.  Just keep going.

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On 6/23/2020 at 4:13 PM, sweetupbaaby said:

Please someone tell me that they can relate to this feeling of nothingness!!!

I can 100% relate from early on. It gets SO much better.

Every time I have felt hopeless since getting clean, EVERY TIME, a breakthrough was just around the corner. Hang on. 

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GIRL you are literallly describing my life my first three months off adderall. It was absolutely brutal and honestly a miracle i didn't go back to adderall just to FEEL SOMETHING. I wish I had a better answer for you other than you just have to ride this wave but it DOES get better. This is your brain re wiring itsself. it is important to remember this is NOT YOU either. The real you is healing. The real you wants you to fight for its chance to be adderall free. You can get there. Just do anything you can not to go back. I did not leave my apartment for three months. I binged netlfix and read alot of books. then slowly I started feeling like a person again. it takes time and its not easy but you CAN do it. 

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Im super impressed you put these thoughts and feelings into words. Your sentences are clear and articulate! LOL You got this! You will get through this! Give yourself permission to take as much time as you need. Give yourself permission to feel like dirt. You are so early in recovery. No pressure.

I made it to 12 months now. So many waves of crippling depression over the past year. Look forward to hearing about your next good day. ;)

 

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Thank you, everyone, who responded to this thread...it has really helped me pull through the past few days. :wub:

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