sweetupbaaby

It's okay

4 posts in this topic

Hey friends,

I have had a pretty rough week. After a relapse yesterday, I felt like I have been knocked off my game. However, I am feeling a lot stronger today and even more prepared to do what's necessary to remain clean.

I had an epiphany today that was really earth-shattering to me. I have been stressing out over the way I am being perceived by people for so many years and I came to a new conclusion today. This sounds like common sense- but something just hit me differently today. These statements have a new meaning to me-- It is really okay if I am going through a time where I am quiet. It is okay if I am feeling socially awkward right now. It is okay if I feel like I am boring and have nothing to offer. Even if these statements are not true, it is okay if they are. If someone calls me out on it, I am okay with it. I am taking responsibility for it first. When we accept who we really are, no one can use our flaws against us. I am taking the power away from the thing that I fear most.

Things will not always be like this. I am tired of caring about what people think about me. So.. who cares? It takes sooo much out of you to try to win over the approval of other people..at a certain point you just learn to...let go.  If you don't like me, so be it. When we are in recovery, we only have so much mental energy to expend. I feel like I have been spending most of that energy on hiding the way I feel in fear of being judged or ridiculed. I'm really and truly over it.

You spend so much time worrying about one thing, ruminating the same fear over and over, that you eventually realize it's just not worth it. I feel like something has been lifted off me and I feel so free. Sometimes things get so bad in life that it pushes you to the point where you just gotta laugh it off.

Also, I am giving myself permission to feel however I need to on a day to day basis. I'm not going to judge myself for feeling depressed, anxious, or any other negative emotion. Not only are these feelings fleeting but they are not permanent either. Your emotions and feelings are never an accurate representation of your true character. Sometimes we can't get rid of negative emotions but we can disarm them by taking away the power they use to control us.

Hope everyone is doing well

 

 

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38 minutes ago, sweetupbaaby said:

Hey friends,

I have had a pretty rough week. After a relapse yesterday, I felt like I have been knocked off my game. However, I am feeling a lot stronger today and even more prepared to do what's necessary to remain clean.

I had an epiphany today that was really earth-shattering to me. I have been stressing out over the way I am being perceived by people for so many years and I came to a new conclusion today. This sounds like common sense- but something just hit me differently today. These statements have a new meaning to me-- It is really okay if I am going through a time where I am quiet. It is okay if I am feeling socially awkward right now. It is okay if I feel like I am boring and have nothing to offer. Even if these statements are not true, it is okay if they are. If someone calls me out on it, I am okay with it. I am taking responsibility for it first. When we accept who we really are, no one can use our flaws against us. I am taking the power away from the thing that I fear most.

Things will not always be like this. I am tired of caring about what people think about me. So.. who cares? It takes sooo much out of you to try to win over the approval of other people..at a certain point you just learn to...let go.  If you don't like me, so be it. When we are in recovery, we only have so much mental energy to expend. I feel like I have been spending most of that energy on hiding the way I feel in fear of being judged or ridiculed. I'm really and truly over it.

You spend so much time worrying about one thing, ruminating the same fear over and over, that you eventually realize it's just not worth it. I feel like something has been lifted off me and I feel so free. Sometimes things get so bad in life that it pushes you to the point where you just gotta laugh it off.

Also, I am giving myself permission to feel however I need to on a day to day basis. I'm not going to judge myself for feeling depressed, anxious, or any other negative emotion. Not only are these feelings fleeting but they are not permanent either. Your emotions and feelings are never an accurate representation of your true character. Sometimes we can't get rid of negative emotions but we can disarm them by taking away the power they use to control us.

Hope everyone is doing well

 

 

This is great my strong and powerful friend. I’m glad you are standing up and accepting yourself exactly as you are. Now is your time to change and grow. I’m very proud of you and excited to be by your side during this journey. 

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4 hours ago, Ready4Change said:

This is great my strong and powerful friend. I’m glad you are standing up and accepting yourself exactly as you are. Now is your time to change and grow. I’m very proud of you and excited to be by your side during this journey. 

Thank you so much:wub:

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@sweetupbaaby.  You are not alone and you can totally do this! Recovery is really fucking hard.  Dealing with the intensity of the shit is def worth it because overtime you will heal.  I can't tell you how low and scared I was.  And now I am functioning at a reasonable level.  I had really intense suicidal ideation but it is currently completely gone and I don't feel close to that edge in any way.  I have a good job that I enjoy and am good at it - still totally learning things that most professionals work through in 20s and 30s :). My family life is stable and I am starting to feel joy from my kids.  But I am still not perfect - I struggle with weed/alcohol/diet and at the moment excercise.  I am not perfect, never was and hopefully I can address these things more when i am ready.  But thankfully, I dont have any Adderall around nor do I have easy access and thankfully/luckily no real Adderall cravings.  I know the other stuff really slows down brain healing but this is where I am at the moment.  

 

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