sage

Finally Posting ~ i cant stop!!

2 posts in this topic

This will be a short post - longer one later - when it is NOT 3am & i am on night #2.  wow - the shame!!.  i’ve never actually written something about my addiction.  Just now when typing it that i go on 2-3 all-night benders then reading back over it,   it felt such embarrassment.  

i have young children you guys!, but their birth didn’t change anything (except when i was pregnant). i was an addict before & then after they were delivered i eventually got back into it.  I dote on them when i’m “good” but when i’m high i prefer to play on my phone, clean, etc.  And yes, when i’m all over the place i will dig through the garage & come up with weird crafts to do with them.  ridiculous 

So during those 3-5 days —                      3-ish days of taking nearly 1/2 of my entire Rx,  then the  2-ish days of sleeping off the those sleepless nights —                              i know they sense something more than the “story” i live by (as far as they go).        I tell them i have migraines —which i do — but i say it is the migraine meds that make me all energetic (tweaky), then different meds that cause me to coma sleep for a few days following. 

Really short history:  i’ve been doing these 2-3 night binges each week for over 10 years. During that time I have quit 25+ times.. usually for 1-2 months but once 4 months & like i said the 2 (9) months periods when i was pregnant. 

It seems it was actually the 1st time i fully quit (for 5-6 months) that it got so much worse once i fell off the wagon.

So ANYWAY, would love to hear from anyone - especially those that used to do the  crazy binges - versus those who take their prescribed dose as indicated, but have been on it so long that they too are dependent (not saying it’s any easier to quit in that siruation)!.   (i wish i could take a normal dose lie i did the 1st 2 years, but that is long gone . Before having children, i actually had 3 (THREE) doctors i was getting them from.. that was only for 2 months, then i went back to seeing a mere 2 doctors (“good job sage” - pat self on back - eye roll). 

Basically i am a functional junkie - that soccer mom (kids in private school, husband with very good job, who can’t get her life on track because of these f*cking orange pills. I feel powerless. Adderall has essentially ruined the last 10 years of my life - especially not ever being in the moment with my children - i just go through the actions & im losing my time with them.

well that was an adderall takers ramblings - plan to be sober when i read any replies.  

i just took a large dose of advil PM with the hope i can sleep. i hate the day after i have been up 2 full nights - that’s when the “weirdness” sets in.

thanks in advance for putting this group out there.  adderall is no joke. im am so thankful to have found my people.

sage 

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hi @sage

welcome to the group (:

i know your pattern of use veryyy well: fill Rx, binge 4 days straight, coma 2 days, finish rest of Rx, trudge through life for 2 weeks till refill. i had no illusions about my use towards the end - it wasn't a productivity tool for me, i just liked getting high. in a way this made it easier for me to demonize Adderall - it turns the battle from an inconvenient addiction to prescribed medication into a fight for my life against a hardcore drug. you may not realize all the damage you're doing, but our specific brand of binge abuse is way more damaging to our body systems than regular therapeutic use. i was honestly falling apart and scared for my life - you should be too.

maybe a different way of thinking about it: you're not a "functional junkie" - you're a speed junkie that happens to be functional (for now). i think this would be the right mindset to approach the coming battle. you have a family that depends on you, you want to kick this before your kids are old enough to realize that you're a drug addict, yea? so act now - call your doc, cut off your source, figure out a plan with your husband so you can take it easy for a few weeks through the acute withdrawal phase.

i think you realize this already but you can never go back to "normal" use, so i don't think tapering would be an effective strategy for you. it sounds like you have the support structures in place to just do this cold turkey.

gl and keep us posted!

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