sage

Any other moms ABUSE adderall? - the guilt

12 posts in this topic

i’m just looking for those whose story is similar to mine ...!

i am an older mom of an 8 & 5 year old.  

i don’t take adderall, i abuse it.  2-3 times a month (2-3 days awake followed by 2 days in bed). they know i love them immensely but i’m not present in my time with them.  Ive wasted years that could be enjoying them.  i only enjoy being high. happy 

They are the reason I HAVE TO QUIT but having so much trouble doing so.

sad situation.. 

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I'm in the same exact boat as you.  Except mine is not 2 to 3 times a month, it is much more frequent.  I have 4 kids.  I'm at the point where I don't spend the 2 days in bed b/c I just "can't" so I just take more and more... and obviously this has to end.  I have to quit.  My older ones know that I "take my medicine" and this is not the role model I want to be for them.

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I am a mom who abuses Adderall.   I have four kids,  25, 17, 15 and 3 and am 44 years old.   I started taking Adderall on a whim one day about ten years ago.   At the time,  my son was prescribed it and I wanted to see what it would do.   So,  I took it and man did I get a ton of stuff done that day!!  I've been chasing that high since then.  I have my own prescription of 60 mg of XR and 20 mg of IR per month and then I take my daughter's medicine of 30 mg XR and 10 mg of IR.  On a good day,  I'm taking about 150 mg a day.   I run out every single month and every single month at that time I panic.   Counting down my pills,  trying in all earnest to stretch them out and I never have the will power to do that.   Those days when I don't have Adderall are spent counting down the days/ hours until I can get more.   I have my own business and days when I don't have Adderall,  I don't work making me look incredibly unprofessional.   I don't engage with my kids and just want to be left alone.  I'm in school for my masters degree and can't do any school work when I don't have Adderall or I at least convince myself that I can't.   I know I'm doing some pretty intense damage to my heart but that again doesn't seem like an incentive to stop.   I don't like how I feel without it yet continuing to live this insanity can't go on.   I ran out of Adderall today again and I'm already dreading the next few days.   Of course,  I'll call my clients tomorrow and tell them I can't make it yet again and then feel terrible and like a loser all day.  I can't even believe I'm in this situation.   For years,  I was married to a heroin addict and tried to love him sober,  unsuccessfully of course.   He's now two and a half years clean and now I'm the addict.   All I can think about now is Adderall.   My three year old wants to play but I can't even think about anything but pills.   Isn't that sad?  I feel like a worthless loser.  My husband and kids know that I have a problem with Adderall but they all think I'm not taking it currently.   So, long story short,  you're not alone.   I feel like I need Adderall for everything.   

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Just saw your message as I was telling the kids I have a headache, explaining why I’m lying in bed today.  I have to do something.  This is the absolute most out of control I’ve ever felt & it scares me.  Wanna share your story?

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On 8/29/2020 at 2:34 PM, sage said:

Just saw your message as I was telling the kids I have a headache, explaining why I’m lying in bed today.  I have to do something.  This is the absolute most out of control I’ve ever felt & it scares me.  Wanna share your story?

Totally I do but I am too tired lol.  

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Personally, I would LOVE to jump on a group chat with you guys via ZOOM. I have soooo much insight to share and would love advice from you guys as well. I don't know how to set it up but if one of you knows how I would be more than willing to participate. Things are different and more intimate when you can put a face to the names you speak with over the months!!! Stay up everyone, God bless

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9 hours ago, DelaneyJuliette said:

I just yearn for connection with other people who get it.

Me too girl!!!! I feel that it's imperative right now for my recovery. I am so isolated and alone outside from work.

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On 29/08/2020 at 2:34 PM, sage said:

Just saw your message as I was telling the kids I have a headache, explaining why I’m lying in bed today.  I have to do something.  This is the absolute most out of control I’ve ever felt & it scares me.  Wanna share your story?

i would love to share my story but it definitely is exhausting to type it out. I would love to zoom call, you guys. I think it would be beneficial for all of us.

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I did. I was that mom and I remember feeling EXACTLY like you. Once I came to terms with the fact that I had a problem and I was trying to figure out what to do about it....I found this site about 5 years ago and it helped me so much... so much that I was able to flush my last half bottle down the toilet and haven’t touched it since. I don’t think I participated in the forums of this site when I was going through the quitting process, but I read posts daily and kept notes of things people said that I thought would motivate me through the process and it really helped. No lies, it was NOT easy at the time and the withdrawal totally f**king sucked  (turns out, recreating natural dopamine once it is suctioned out of you from Adderall is not a quick process), but once I got through it, it was 1000% worth it.  I could have written these posts. I was about as as low as I could go before losing everything, but I fought my way back out. 
 I’m honestly not even sure why I sought out this site again tonight; I think it’s the first time I’ve logged in about 3 years.  I still remember that first pill and how it made me feel, but knowing what I know now, it won’t happen again.  I normally am not one to post on forums, but for some reason felt the pull to share tonight-maybe it’ll help even one person know that they can get through it and be be better on the other side as well ❤️

 

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