Authenticity

Day 3 off Adderall

7 posts in this topic

So my story is similar to many other stories on this forum.  Have a history of ADHD as a child and was given Ritalin to help with grades and emotional regulation.  I felt a lot of  shame having ADD and the feeling of not being good enough haunted me as an adult woman.  I decided to go back on stimulants two years ago and I was having work difficulties and thought it would help me focus. It immediately made me feel happier and more productive.  I took my initial dose of 10 mg as prescribed and then started taking more and more over the past two years.  I became socially isolated and was quite happy doing my hobbies at home and obsessively cleaning.  I realized that I was self medicating my fears of employment loss and trying to make ends meet.  It numbed me and made me feel like I could cope with anything!  It made me so busy with arbitrary tasks that I would be distracted from my demons.  Of course my script ran out two weeks before my doctors visit and I would obsessively count my pills and feel anxiety when they were about to run out.  

I moved out of town just before COVID lockdown and that's when the real abuse manifested.  I started taking 60 mg to 80 mg's a day and I was like the road runner cleaning and fixing everything around my new home.  During COVID lockdown I felt so isolated and with no structure or employment I had way too much time on my hands.  Taking the pills and having 5 projects at once made me feel productive and gave me a feeling of self worth.  I became depressed and anxious and taking too much gave me tremendous muscle pain, skin rash, numb fingers and shallow breathing.  I would get irritated if my partner would try and interrupt me when I was hyper-focused on one of my art projects.  

I realized that I had a problem and that my relationship was starting to suffer.  I was so self absorbed and not present.  I was too exhausted for intimacy and would always go to be bed around 1:00 am after chain smoking and surfing the internet.  I felt so guilty and ashamed and the my body was reacting to the toxicity.  This past weekend I binged on my script until it was finished and knew that I had to quit cold turkey.  I wrote a list of how Adderall had effected me negatively and I did research on Google Scholar regarding CBD oil for withdrawal and supplements that would help the detox.  I cried alot on Monday and I came clean with my partner about my self medicating and abuse of my prescription.  He was very understanding and supportive about the whole thing.  I told him that I was going to be pretty much exhausted the next couple of days.  The mornings have been the worst as I used to get out of bed and pop an Adderall to get my motivation and energy,  Now it is a battle to get out of bed but I force myself.  I have found that a few drops of CBD oil at night has helped me fall asleep and when I start feeling anxiety I use about three drops under the tongue.  I have started Super B complex and I am drinking lots of water too.

This is the list I made when I decided I needed to quit this weekend:   (See if you can relate)

I almost overdose and take 5 times the amount prescribed

I have lost my loving connection with God

I constantly worry that Im going to run out

I count my pills and have lost control of my intake

I am always tired

My skin and scalp itch continuously

I clear my throat constantly

I breath heavily

My joints and muscles hurt and spasm

I cannot feel my fingers and have poor circulation

I have dry mouth constantly

Sharp pains in chest area

Dry eyes

Extremely painful stomach cramps and severe constipation

Sweaty under the armpits

Bite my cheek raw

Constant rubbing of fingers

I get blurred vision

I have rapid breathing and my nose runs constantly

My skin is super dry and my nose is raw from itching

My face feels like it has bugs crawling on it

My nerves around my eyes twitch and my face gets flushed

I have a compulsive need to clean and I cannot stop until I am exhausted

I feel anxious and have a feeling of impending doom

I crave sugar and don’t eat which makes me shake and almost pass out

Low blood pressure and makes me almost fall over when gardening

Im then shaky and irritable and lash out at XXXX

I talk non stop and list things that need to be fixed or bought

I cannot stay on one subject and interrupt constantly

I don’t listen and I am abrupt when talking to people

I find fault with everything and want to clean fix or improve it

I cannot let anything go and I am impatient

I chain smoke

I don’t go to sleep until after 1200 pm and surf the internet for hours

I isolate at home and rather get high

I'm too busy or preoccupied mentally for sex

Its numbs me  and makes me so busy I don’t have time to feel lonely or useless

When I am productive I feel that it defines my worth

This forum has been a God send as I have been reading it for a couple of months now and has been a great source of inspiration.  I am looking forward to being more centered and calm and I am very fortunate to have someone in my life that is loving and supportive.  Most of all my quitting is about self love and taking care of my bodily health.

 

Thanks for reading...

Bell xo 

 

 

 

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hi @Authenticity

welcome to the forums! that is a very relatable list of Adderall grievances - especially all the physical side effects. i remember the very visceral feeling of my health withering away, i was genuinely scared for my life at some point which was the main catalyst for my recovery. creating a list like this and sharing it here is a great idea - it's something you can return to, to remind yourself of the pain this drug causes you.

gl with your journey and keep sharing! (: 

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That was a fantastic post!  Great way to get this journey started!  Of all the complaints listed, the most significant to me was  "I have lost my loving connection with God". 

You are blessed you a faith to begin with. I was thinking about this subject yesterday. I now have 13 months in this recovery. I tried for years to maintain my faith while taking adderall. I convinced myself God gave me medicine to treat my ADD condition. I convinced myself he was ok with all the stuff that goes along with adderall too, tons of beer to unwind at night,  sleeping pills to get to sleep at night so I could work the next day, the explosive irritability towards others, and other sins I wont mention.  I would wake up the next morning, take adderall and start my day with prayers and scripture, and then move on to hyper focus at work.  I now see how that I was self deceived and I was blowing it.

The 3rd step of AA says, "We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him". That is so huge. Its the key to the recovery program. Its the biggest decision anyone can make.  Even though I tried to do that while using, it was practically impossible. It ends up being all about my will, not Gods Will. I Im not living in or being led by the "Spirit" when i am on adderall. I end up in Self Will not Gods will. I am led by my "Flesh" or ego.

Romans 8:13 " For if you live according to the flesh you will die, but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live. For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God".  It was impossible to get rid of my ego on the pills. I was not being led by the Spirit. I knew it. I could feel it. And I was dying like the scripture says.

Now that we are in such crazy times with Covid, BLM, and the economy, its critical to be connected. Time to drop anything which would interfere with my relationship with God.  Or as the famous carpenter said, "repent". No more room for self deception. God has totally taken care of me since I made the decision to quit. Its hard but I do my best to "turn my will over to the care of God as I understand Him" daily. God bless you on this journey. 

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Thanks guys for the considerate and thoughtful replies...I have a history of pill addiction in my past and have recovered before with a twelve step program.  The key to recovery is a loving connection with self through God as we understand him.  When I hear of the long term recovery and consequences of Adderall, I know that the key to moving forward Is to shut the shame down, name it so I can tame it and understand that I am a loving child of God. I won’t beat myself up and I know what a loving empathic person I am.  I’m also the most sassy and resilient woman you will ever meet and being honest to myself and others is key.  The problem with any addictive substance is the shame and secrecy’s and the lack of self love and compassion.  Through the years I have learned that if you don’t have compassion for yourself then you won’t have it with others.  I am human, I have insecurities but I am always learning and remain humble and teachable.  Addiction will not survive in environments with connection, support and self love.  I also will not deny that ADD is real and I was a child that battled with it and still suffer from this disorder in the work place and personal life.  From lack of confidence in my abilities and perfectionism (beating myself up). The meds worked at first and then I realized they were controlling me.  Who wants a monkey on their back continuously ugh...

Again thanks for the replies...I need the support right now 

regards 

Bell xo

 

 

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Beautiful! Love it!  

4 hours ago, Authenticity said:

Addiction will not survive in environments with connection, support and self love.

Finding ways to meet our basic needs for love, connection, support, and a bunch of others basic survival needs are so critical. The site helps meet some of those needs. 

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"The opposite of addiction is not sobriety. The opposite of addiction is connection."

a very powerful TED talk on the topic of addiction and our connections to others (:

 

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