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Adderall-Addict


Kathleen

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I have never been to a meeting, but I think that AA or NA may use this approach with all of their members. We have all heard the classic introductions like "I'm Bob and I'm an alcoholic and I took my last drink 26 years ago". I think they do this to remind everybody who has ever been addicted that they are only one drink, pill, or cigarette away from resuming their addiction. And that is the absolute truth.

I've been to NA. I enjoy the unity,peace and love of the group.

That's where I get my whole "I am an addict--this is me"pride-:)

Favorite quote from NA and AA? "My worst day sober is always BETTER than my BEST day on narcotics."

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I moved to rhode island from florida (mostly rural) after living there 17 years. I say y'all, too. Without shame. It's a great word. And now there's a new england accent creeping into my speech. oh well.

It seems that we all arrive at the same conclusion: not even a little bit, ever. AA/NA was pretty harmful for someone with my personality. I've seen other people get what they needed out if it and succeed in living clean.

One of the things that makes me a little sad is that I gave this stuff a whole lot of power in my life. It really took over. And amphetamines were "it" for me, they used to mean so much to me. I remember thinking how hard it would be to quit, struggle of a lifetime and all that. The sadness comes from when I really decided to be done with all of it, it was....... easy to quit. Learning to deal with everything else has be really hard.

It was a big mental fortress that I constructed, and it turned out not to be there. An illusion.

Kathleen, what do think about the concept of surrender? That was really important for me. To just give up "trying". There was no "try" any more. Just do.

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I moved to rhode island from florida (mostly rural) after living there 17 years. I say y'all, too. Without shame. It's a great word. And now there's a new england accent creeping into my speech. oh well.

It seems that we all arrive at the same conclusion: not even a little bit, ever. AA/NA was pretty harmful for someone with my personality. I've seen other people get what they needed out if it and succeed in living clean.

One of the things that makes me a little sad is that I gave this stuff a whole lot of power in my life. It really took over. And amphetamines were "it" for me, they used to mean so much to me. I remember thinking how hard it would be to quit, struggle of a lifetime and all that. The sadness comes from when I really decided to be done with all of it, it was....... easy to quit. Learning to deal with everything else has be really hard.

It was a big mental fortress that I constructed, and it turned out not to be there. An illusion.

Kathleen, what do think about the concept of surrender? That was really important for me. To just give up "trying". There was no "try" any more. Just do.

Jonny,

First and foremost give yourself a freakin pat on the back! To be done with this drug is an ACCOMPLISHMENT, A BLESSING--A RAY OF HOPE. I completely relate to what you are saying with that amphetamines were "it"--when people mentioned "Katie, damn...what is happening to you...when are you going to chill out..or stop taking your medicine?" I would make excuses, laugh to myself and think..."mmm...maybe tomorrow--BUT probably NEVER"

I had to give up "trying"--or what is really was--- maintaining my drug addiction. There was no maintenance--only MORE MORE MORE. So I am now well over 40 days and there have been times where I wish things were thrilling like they were on Adderall. My focus is a work in progress. BUT....I will NEVER take Adderall again. It's not even an option..if I want to live a happy and "normal" life. That's just something I have to do:)

How are you feeling these days? Are you able to task and work a steady pace?

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  • 2 months later...

I haven't been on these forums in awhile because I relapsed right at the 2 month mark. I am highly disappointed in myself, but all I can do is be honest and work through this again. I've been taking 10mgs a day and it's helped me with work, but I still feel endless amounts of guilt, smoking and less eating. After I quit the adderall back in April, it changed me and I lost another relationship. I am dealing with a lot of emotions, wondering who the hell I am at 26 years old and where to go from here.

I'm not nearly as bad off as I was back when I was over dosing earlier this year, but I am disappointed that amphetamine is back into my daily life.

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Well those 2 posts you just wrote pretty much describes my current situation. When I've tried going off of them it is of course initially super hard but then it is AMAZING because you realize 'hey... i am actually ALIVE, holy moly!'

And everything is amazing and beautiful and fascinating again and you are present to others and the needs of others and you can laugh for no reason, and you can even laugh when there IS reason. B/c on adderall, even if something is funny and you know it is funny, something happens and you can't seem to laugh. That is so creepy huh. Anyway, back to the good, colors are bright and music fills your soul again and you have appreciation for the grandiosity of the simple yet intricately wonderfully woven ways of life. And people feel your glow again and are happy that the old you is back and even animals and children are more naturally drawn to you. And you feel free and happy to be who you are.

So all of that is so exciting and luring to me and I'm part way there because I have majorly cut back the adderall use and dosage, but I've yet to still stay completely off of it (YET). Because I haven't found a way to continue working and doing the daily organizational things without it. And it's not so much that I care that I can't do that anymore b/c I'm happy off of adderall - but apparently there is a thing called 'accuracy', 'responsibility', ability to stay the steady course of the daily grind' --- and that stuff is important to OTHER people, and when you fail at that, you mess things up for other people or the business or whatever.

One justification that I use that leads me to adderall again is that I feel I do a 'disservice' to society when I am off of adderall because honestly.. I can be kind of crazy. But I am happy and kind and others appreciate the real me off it too. I haven't yet found a way to balance or function in life.

I know I've been saying 'you' and 'I' interchangeably here and describing my experience so forgive me if what I'm saying isn't accurate to your experience, but I have a a feeling it just may be!

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I do not want to discourage anyone or have anyone think that everything I said was bullshit in the past..I want to live a happy healthy and drug free life, that is why I am back here. I just did not want to lie or avoid the reality of what is actually going on now...

and also, even though you feel guilty, being honest about it is the only way to be! so, rock on sista.

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Kathleen,

I don't know if you ever read my original post entitled 'The Two Month Itch'. It was the first post I ever wrote on this site, right before I relapsed at the two month mark. Here's the link and advice others gave me.

Sadly, it takes longer than two months to start feeling better. But the good news is, practice makes perfect, so the next time you quit your brain will have that 'quitting memory' and the process will be slightly less difficult. You'll get there eventually!

Cassie

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I agree...I am hyper-active-laughing my ass off-fun person off of adderall. Problem is I found myself back in and out of feeling comatose, aggravated, hi highs and low lows with out it....and I was eating like the cookie monster.

Very sad ending in a relationship hasn't helped. No excuse, but the euphoric kick is the only thing that gets me out of bed these days. My next step is to see someone professional to talk to--not a doctor because more meds are the last thing I need on my plate.

I realize that even 10 mgs a day is DANGEROUS, seeing my history nor advise anyone who is on the path to the light without adderall to do what I have done...I am hoping to wean on again in the next few weeks because I need to get my life together and I think adderall has the power to make it worse...even though it's "maintaining" it now.

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Cassie, I did...that's why I have decided to give this another shot. That's why I'm back. I feel extreme guilt about going back to those evil orange pills.

Watched a film on addiction and tons of reading and I understand the science behind these sick cravings...I just need to figure out when I'm getting back into the warzone with my battle against this need...

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The important thing is you are back and welcome back. Honestly reading up on the science of addiction and watching stuff on addiction, like the series on TLC called Addicted. That kind of stuff has been some of the most helpful stuff i did in recovery. It's like at least you know what exactly is going on when you are battling it out against the drugs. You know what you are up against, and then you can plan better for it to cope with it. Which film on addiction did you watch?

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Thank you for the welcome back. Kind of dreaded "turning myself in" to the truth...but I am well aware of the gambling game I am playing now..been laying in bed at night watching:: http://www.hbo.com/addiction/

Interesting enough I have a lot of science under my belt so I understand the limbic system and more importantly know myself and the potential for destruction,abuse and addictive natures...

Watching things on adolescents and addiction kills me. So many times parents are running around making sure their children aren't using drugs or doing "bad things" simply because they are bad. What I never put into consideration is actually how heavy the emotions of guilt and regret are in the aftermath of years of partying, living in the fast lane and destruction have brought...

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  • 2 years later...

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