Told the doc/ Need to know how to not give into the craving

[purplepen 3]

Hi guys, I posted the other day and am going to keep coming on this site for support. I really want others to talk to me lol because I feel like I need that support right now as I have failed SO many times. I am a chronic relapser.

Basically my psych was extremely hesitant to get me back on the vyvanse a month ago because I had broke down to her telling her I don't ever want it prescribed again and the devastation it causes me...a month later I talked her into it..I truly thought I could handle it (HAHA) anyway...she was on the fence about it for a couple of weeks and I could tell she was really uncomfortable but of course, master manipulator here...anyway she agreed to give me weekly prescriptions which I thought was a good idea...I would usually take the whole thing in 3 days...well this week I basically regressed to the absolute worst self destructive behavior while on it (gambling) I gambled almost 3K in 3 days. ITS SO AWFUL.

Anyway, I emailed her yesterday and i told her what had happened and told her I need to be off of it and I do know that after this incident she will not prescribe to me anymore. 100%.

I feel like shit today...I typically feel fine the day after having used it but today I just feel like shit...I think its the lack of sleep, lack of motivation, and lack of exercise (I exercise and take care of myself really well when I don't use that shit, I also don't gamble at all or smoke cigs)....I think just the overwhelming amount of debt and chaos that I have caused and the realization of the harm that I can do in such a short time is really overwhelming and terrifying at the moment. I just feel depressed. I am not a depressed person.

I am going to take a nap and hopefully feel better and just start over...but thats the thing..im so scared I'm going to fail.

I have failed so many times and I am so scared to start over because of that exact reason. I have no hope in myself..I don't always feel this way but just the simple fact that I have failed SO many times has me feeling this way at the moment. I really need some support u guys...I can't go to meetings b/c no one in my town wears masks and right now our COVID rates are out of control without any state measures (SO RIDICULOUS). 

What has helped you get your mind right and commit to your decision? 

When I don't take the stimulants, I wake up at 5 and go to the gym for a couple of hours and feel amazing, I listen to morning affirmations and just try to do the right thing and take care of myself...I typically feel good and positive and capable...but all it takes is one craving and I cave instantly. So I know I am strong when I am doing the right thing but I need to know how to not give into the craving. This year has been awful for me. I have lost a lot of respect for myself and just kind of adapted a "fuck it" attitude. I am sure many people feel this way because of the circumstances of 2020...but I just want to feel strong and resist the cravings without feeling like I am not capable of doing anything without the pills. I prove to myself everyday that I am more than capable for the addict in me has a strong opinion.

Thank you so much for reading

[Badger 4]

Hey purplepen! 

I wish I could say I have relapsed as many times as you. I guess I have relapsed two times? One time officially. I am on my fifth day clean right now. Before I relapsed, I went a little over 2.5 months without taking stims. 

At least you have energy and feel great after quitting. The 2.5 months I was clean, I did not feel great. 

Maybe try setting small goals? Like, go a few days and then increase it to a week, etc. 

[purplepen 3]

12 minutes ago, Badger said:

I think that setting small goals is a good way to start for sure. congrats on the 2.5 months

[Badger 4]

Well, I ruined that 2.5 months by going back on adderall for four months. Ugh. I am just now getting back on the horse. Right now I am five days sober. But, thanks. 

[purplepen 3]

Hey, quitting speed is the hardest thing I have ever had to do aside from making the decision to put my dog down. Listen, it is a difficult addiction. I am an addict and there is no addiction where the craving is so fucking intense. I have never craved alcohol or cigs or gambling or anything like I do the adderall aka meth. I know I'm struggling right now, but if you keep it up and get some time that desire to use will go away. I remember I was sober from it for about 1 1/2 years and my friend came over and had some vyvanse, I didn't even think about it. Later on that day I actually couldn't believe that I didn't ask her for one..that is how little it mattered to me. It is possible. In my circumstance, I just have so much shit weighing heavy on me right now due to the using over the past year that it is very hard to see the bright side...I will eventually..but I'm in a pretty dark spot right now mentally. 

You will do it, you can do it!