Nicky_B

A cautionary tale...the destruction of my marriage and family

10 posts in this topic

i've been married for 20 years and roughly 4 years ago my wife decided we should try to treat our attention deficit disorder with stimulants.  I originally thought to myself that this was a potentially dangerous experiment but she insisted and because I was weak I went along with the plan.  At that  point in life we had been married for 16 years and had four children as well as a fairly normal life but we weren't the most productive people due to our deficits in attention.

About year after beginning stimulants I started noticing our fighting getting worse and I do remember one very vtrip to Minneapolis in which her anger went off the charts beyond anything that I've seen her doing in the past.  We had 6 years earlier gone through a deadly cancer and all sorts of horrific events that went into the treatments but stimulants in the end were more terrifying and more destructive to our marriage and our family in the end

It felt like I was losing the person that I married and the slow loss of her humanity on a daily basis.  We went into a counselor to address her psychosis/dissosocoation events who then explained the disassociation that she was having and how the stimulants along with stress were the source. He warned us that if things don'y chane that it would get worse (it it got far worse). She completely blew off this explanation and would not talk about it and instead attacked the man's character who we have known for many years. She also refused to get off stimulants due to the boost that it gave her in college.

Her violence got to a point where I really felt like I was going to you lose my professional and personal life since she was so out of control. The final straw came when she was physically violent with my 15-year-old son and I had to call Cps and police. Again this was not the actions of the woman I married but of this person that had lost their humanity and their grip on reality due to the use of stimulants.   Many times she would do things like hide my clothes or destroy my things and she would lose all of her memory of what happened or where she put things so I went through multiple shoes and sets of clothing over several months.  Her anger and her distractive behavior that were fueled by her delusions  got to a point where I had to literally sleep on my keys/wallet and a locked suitcase in my van that was cabled downup  with clothing to go to work in the morning.

Even when I was sleeping in the basement on the couch she would come down at 3 or 4 am in the morning ranting and raving (sometimes physically throwing heavy objects st me) over some imaginary thing that never happened.  She would become so worked up by these scenarios in her mind and would become instantly violent to a point where there was no way I could resolve the arguments and had to leave the house to escape her.

My poor children watched this situation devolve and I can't tell you how destroyed I am as a human being to see the impact of stimulants on our lives. I have voluntarily chose to not take Adderall any longer and I am been clean for three weeks. Thankfully my use of adderal was only 20 mg a day but even at that low of an amount Adderall change the way that I perceive the world and reacted to others especially in the area of anger and frustration.

I felt that I had no choice but to move out and file for divorce and she has been her usual destructive self and I have not seen my children for over a year now due to made up charges against me. I still believe that she is addicted to stimulants that she uses to treat her ADHD and that her psychosis is still very active.  She tells my children she thinks I'm going to kill her (I have no criminal background at all nor have I physically abused her)  and makes up all sorts of imaginary things that I've done in the past or I will do to her in the future.

When we did go into one counseling session briefly she ened up screaming and yelling at me in the waiting room (because I would not walkout side with her without witnesses around)! with patients present so loudly that the manager of the office almost called the police on her. She then blocked my van with her van in the parking lot so I could not leave and had to take an Uber to escape.. Once a person goes into this type of psychosis from stimulants you cannot predict what they're going to do and I was very scared that she was going to self harm herself and then accuse me of hurting her so after I left the home I would not allow myself to be with her without witnesses.

There has been so many crazy situations that she's caused and so much damage that even if she wants to get clean I don't think it would be possible to put the marriage together again in the future. I just want to provide a voice of warning of even when stimulants are legally prescribed by a physician they can take a person, their spouse and children down a road that is a nightmare.

I guess one of the blessings in disguise is that there is no way I'm going back on Adderall because I clearly see the damage that is it caused and I would rather destroy all parts of my life in order to accomplish the mission of getting off that drug and other stimulants rather than contribute futher into our cycle off misery. I feel fortunate that I was never really addicted but used the adderal as a crutch at times in order to gain more productivity for my own selfish career desires.

For those of you that are considering or not to quit Adderall or other stimulants please do take my story as a warning of what can happen in the future. I would not wish this much pain, anguish and heartache on any other human being.

Please keep me and my family in your prayers and do not give up on yourself.

Best Regards,

Nicky

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Oh boy, I am sorry to hear about your tragic loss and suffering. Sounds like a real Dr. Jekle and Mr. Hyde story. I dont think I have ever heard anything like as far as it relates to this drug. I know it changes personalities, but this is over the top scary. I will be praying for all your recoveries. 

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Thanks speedracer I appreciate your prayers. If my story can help one person either choose to not take adderal or permenantly stop taking adderal it would bring purpose to the pain it has brought to my family's lives.  The worst part is to witness the pain that this drug can bring to your children and this is something I'm going to have work at rectifying my entire life.  Some balls bounce when you drop them and others break once the hit the ground....Adderal can take the bounce out of many of your balls in life and makes them far more breakable....

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6 hours ago, Nicky_B said:

Thanks speedracer I appreciate your prayers. If my story can help one person either choose to not take adderal or permenantly stop taking adderal it would bring purpose to the pain it has brought to my family's lives.  The worst part is to witness the pain that this drug can bring to your children and this is something I'm going to have work at rectifying my entire life.  Some balls bounce when you drop them and others break once the hit the ground....Adderal can take the bounce out of many of your balls in life and makes them far more breakable....

Thank you for sharing and I'm sorry for all you and your family have faced.  Until December of last year, when I finally hit rock bottom on prescription Adderall,  I was exactly like your wife.  She needs help,  away from whomever is filling her prescription.  I couldn't take the incessant noise, confusion, paranoia,  and delusional thoughts to the point that I almost ended my life.   Ended up in an inpatient program,  they gave me an intervention several days in, and neither my wife or I knew that's what was causing the problems.   I was out of control in my mind,  they brought me back to reality and set me on a course to rehabilitation.  I'm 11 months removed from Adderall, just publicly shared my story on Facebook and have had many people reach out and say they really thought something was wrong with me 4 and 5 years ago.  It has been eye opening and validating that I lost control of my mind on the evil medication.  Please if you have some way to do so, for your kids, get your wife into the hospital.  You may save her life.  God bless you and your family!!

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Thank you for sharing your story.  Until you see someone experience the paranoia, confusion and delusional it is impossible to describe the level of horror in this scenario.  I for one realize that when you considered ending you own life that this was a real credible threat.  So thankful you survived this experience and were humble enough to accept the help you needed.

 

For my wife she might not use stimulants for a month or two but when she uses them it is similar to an allergic reaction to the medication.   She also has a history of becoming incredibly angry/belligerent on phosphatidyl choline which is a common supplement available in most vitamin stores.  So she has a genetic background of being allergic to things she has taken in the past.

 

I have asked her repeatedly to stop taking stimulants and get help which has been rebuffed then normally followed ip by delusion allegations that I'm losening the lug nuts on her tites to kill her and other fantasy scenarios.

 

But at least we know that with prayer that all things are possible...thank you for keeping us in your prayers!

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I'm sorry you are going through this...  Adderall started to take its toll on me as well. My marriage barely survived the last yr I was on it. A flip switches somewhere and the thing that "saved" your life turns into your worst enemy. 

Unfortunately, she prob isn't associating her behavior with the Adderall. I never realized how much it was affecting every aspect of my life... until I quit. I mean I knew Adderall was making me lose sleep and anxious, but " I was in control". 

I fully thought my husband was cheating on me... I thought people were after me ( A whole other story) ...I thought a lot of things that felt very real. I didn't lose track of time or lose memories. However, I got very paranoid and depressed.

 

It still took me getting off it to really see what the Adderall was doing to me. I had to quit drinking as well. Adderall alone is enough to cause most destructive behaviors, but it sounds like maybe she's also taking something else? I had a friend who would take Adderall during day then Xanax at night .. plus  wine. She would get so angry with her husband and kids. The whole mix was dangerous and messing with her. She would call me in the middle of the night rambling, apologizing about things that had nothing to do with me and not remember any of it. Just a thought.... If this is the case she probably needs rehab to safely get off everything. 

 Thank you for sharing your story. I know its a long road, but its worth it to stay off this drug!   

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Thank you for sharing your story I really appreciate it.

She is very intelligent and could of been taking other medications without my knowledge before I left the home about a year ago.  Because the cancer forced her into heavy radiation treatments she had to take massive doses of thyroid medication since she does not have a thyroid glad that is functioning.
 
I have read research in which if your thyroid is too low or too high it can also cause massive mental problems in a person which may have contributed some to her delusional and paranoid behavior.
 
Once she went into one of these "spells" it would literally take her about three or four days to get back to normal.  My son who is now 16 years old has seen me physically attacked by her almost a dozen different times (even though I could easily physically overpower/hurt her). Who in their right mind would intentional hurt the mother of your children and my only wife I've ever had a dedicated to for 20 years..is a total nightmare scenario!
 
I did not think that I woukd ever divorce my wife but most people would not have lasted the three years of hell that I went through.  I'll always love her but living with her now (even if she was clean and sober) I know that if she ever fel off the wagon the concerted evil that she could bring on my life that almost destroyed me the first time around.  It is literally like dealing with PTSD from her previous behavior even if she did by some miracle get clean and sober.  I would liken it to being married to a suicide bomber that still had the suit of dynamite but makes the decision everyday to not sqeeze the detonator.   No matter how rational and calm they are you realize that they're wearing a suit of dynamite regardless.
 
Again  I just do not want anyone to experience what my family went through because I believe there is no coming back once a certain threshold has been crossed (and she surely crossed that many many months ago). I think in many cases she doesn't care if she destroys herself and everybody around her when she goes into these demon possessed "spells". Then when she is not in one of these spells she is burdened by her guilt and her conscience so that she is not able to admit anything and come clean.
 
At this point I need to keep my children in mind and they need to see what a loving relationship looks like so they can hopefully have as normal of a life as possible in the future. i'll always love my wife but that ship has sailed and is not coming back to the harbor in the future no matter what happens from this point forward. All I can say is it is certainly an avoidable tragedy by not allowing Adderall/stimulants in your lives and I hope that others do follow my families footsteps into destruction.
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I'm sorry you are going through this.  You will be in my prayers and hopefully everything goes well in your life. God Bless you!

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@Nicky_B

welcome to the forums, and thanks for sharing your harrowing story. that sounds like a waking nightmare - i'm really sorry to hear about your family's struggles, but i'm glad that you have made the decision to quit stimulants yourself. as you've already recognized, even at low/therapeutic doses, Adderall can slowly change you into a completely different person. it's an existential mess that gets worse the longer you're on it.

11 hours ago, Nicky_B said:

I'll always love her but living with her now (even if she was clean and sober) I know that if she ever fel off the wagon the concerted evil that she could bring on my life that almost destroyed me the first time around.  It is literally like dealing with PTSD from her previous behavior even if she did by some miracle get clean and sober.  I would liken it to being married to a suicide bomber that still had the suit of dynamite but makes the decision everyday to not sqeeze the detonator.   No matter how rational and calm they are you realize that they're wearing a suit of dynamite regardless.

this is a very striking analogy, well said. it makes me feel a lot of concern for your children, who you say are still living with their mother? hopefully they are safe - i wish you the best of luck in navigating this situation safely going forward.

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Sleepy - thankfully when CPS got involve when she scratched my 15 year son she almost lost her RN license. She will be a practicing nurse practitioner soon so she now realizes that I really don't care if I lose $$$ in alimony over the next 20 years that is not worth the price of seeing my children abused and I will report her into CPS again if there are any signs of abuse in the future.  Because my son is 5 foot 10 and she is only 5 foot tall I think they gave her a free pass on the physical altercation with him.  That being said the next time around there is no way they're going to let her slide and her life will essentially be over at that point. If Cps does make a finding of confirmed child abuse which I'm sure they will the next time they investigate her life is essentially ruined permenantly and she realizes it now.  

When I talked to my son after the incident I commented to him of what a nightmare scenario it was to be on the receiving end of her physical abuse. He told me that that it wasn't a nightmare what it would've been if he would've lost his cool and put her in the hospital which he easily could've done if he chose to do so in that altercation.  (he is a strong football player and a good kid!).

I totally agree with you how Adderall changes the person that you are even on minimal amounts dosages to something that is a natural . In my case I was very robotic with flatline emotions. I have laughed more over the past three weeks than I have in years after being off Adderal for 3 weeks now. 

These forums have been a Godsend and how to approach quitting cold turkey and how to be successful over the long term.  For me  I think that quitting Adderall is kind of like the Spanish explorers that made all the men get on the beach then burned his ships so there is no turning back.  Half-hearted measures always end up in disaster..." either do it or don't there is no try" Yoda

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