When will I be normal again?

[Unmotivated 2]

I quit adderall when I found out I was pregnant right after Christmas last year (12/2019). I had my baby August 12, 2020. I am currently breastfeeding and plan on doing so for at least 6 months. I bought a house at the end of March 2020 and have done everything I am supposed to do to be a good mom. But I feel like I suck at life. I gained so much weight, going from barely eating to eating 3 or more meals a day to ensure I had a healthy baby, and he definitely is healthy as can be. I never got my motivation back in all this time though. I am lazy. I am depressed. My house isn't set up and organized like how it would have been if I could still take adderall. I hate being bad at everything. I hate being fat and lazy. I hate having nothing done. I hate being depressed and feeling so worthless. Why shouldn't I get my prescription back the second I am able to take it again and am no longer breastfeeding? Well my family likes me better now that I am not on adderall. But I don't like me at all. And I dont see what it is that they like. I am fat, lazy, and without a personality. All my hobbies are gone, my drive is gone. Adderall ruined me and now the only way for me to be happy again is to go back on it. Just gotta wait till I've breastfed my baby for at least 6 months. Then I can fix my mess of a house and lose my baby weight. So what's the point of even trying to force my fat ass to do it now when I won't even be able to do that good of a job anyways. It's like all my abilities are gone and my brain no longer works. I thought that I would be back to normal by now, but now I'm thinking that I never will be. So please can someone give me a reason not to be sitting here counting down the days till I can have my adderall back?

[Sunbeams_findyou 3]

I think you being on here and posting proves that you already know you're better off without it. Being only a few months into my recovery myself, I can empathize with how you feel. I feel the exact same way right now. Also like you I don't fully understand why my loved ones like me better now. It must have to do with the fact that I'm not putting them through hell anymore. They believe I can and will fully recover even though I sometimes don't. If you can't stay off it for yourself, maybe start by staying off of it for them. I don't know you, but I do know that you are incredibly strong for being able to quit for your baby. 

[Unmotivated 2]

Thank you for your response. What you said really makes sense, and I know that I know why I shouldn't start taking it again. Adderall ruled my life for about 4 years, I took way more than I was prescribed, and when I ran out (which I always did) I was completely unable to function. And I was always going a million miles a minute and doing 500 things at once that I was missing what was right in front of me. I know that my baby is the only reason I quit and the only thing that could have made me quit was getting pregnant. It was so hard at first, and it still is obviously, but I really don't want to have to go through the beginning again. It's just so hard for me to like myself without adderall. I dont like myself on it either really, but without it.. I just feel so worthless.

[SleepyStupid 852]

hi @Unmotivated

welcome to the forums and thanks for sharing your story. first i want to congratulate you on delivering a healthy baby boy! second i want to congratulate you for being close to a year off Adderall now! those are are HUGE milestones! 

you seem to be preoccupied with this notion that you're "fat and lazy". it's perfectly normal to gain weight during pregnancy AND when quitting Adderall. now the question is: do you want to lose that weight the right way or by chemically starving yourself?

it's true that you're going to feel kind of lazy and unmotivated through the recovery process, though i'm willing to bet in 6 months you'll feel less negative than you do you now anyway. but consider this: how do you actually define productive? i suspect that you don't actually miss "going a million miles a minute and doing 500 things at once". let's be honest: you miss being high.

17 hours ago, Unmotivated said:

Adderall ruined me and now the only way for me to be happy again is to go back on it. Just gotta wait till I've breastfed my baby for at least 6 months. Then I can fix my mess of a house and lose my baby weight.

your job as a mother isn't over when breast feeding is done - it is JUST BEGINNING. is going back to Adderall going to make you a better or worse mother? i think you already know the answer.

[Unmotivated 2]

You are right. But where do I get the motivation, the energy, the creativity, and the abilities back? I don't feel like doing anything anymore. Will I ever feel like it again? How do I make myself enjoy doing things again? I feel like I lost myself, not just my adderall using self, but the person I was before using adderall is gone now too.

[SleepyStupid 852]

20 hours ago, Unmotivated said:

You are right. But where do I get the motivation, the energy, the creativity, and the abilities back? I don't feel like doing anything anymore. Will I ever feel like it again? How do I make myself enjoy doing things again? I feel like I lost myself, not just my adderall using self, but the person I was before using adderall is gone now too.

yes - you will definitely feel things again, in fact you will feel more things! but I think it's important to separate out the stuff that Adderall enjoyed, not you. for example: no one likes doing chores, but people seem to LOVE it while high! sorry to say - you'll never feel that way about mopping the floor again (but it's okay, no one does).

"How do I make myself enjoy doing things again?" - you can't force it, but that certainly doesn't mean you should wait around to magically feel better. i've always believed in the effect of novelty: doing new and unknown things requires a bit more effort, but can spark interest faster than trying to get back into things you enjoyed while on Adderall. it works because with new activities, you have no point of reference to how it felt back on Adderall - there's no automatic comparison happening.

feeling like you've lost yourself is scary - we've all been there. sometimes its helpful to think of this journey as one of "discovery" rather than "recovery". embrace novelty - this is a chance to discover a NEW version of you! (:

 

[quit-once 1,737]

Welcome to the forums!  Both @SleepyStupid and @Sunbeams_findyou have shared some really good advice.  

If you quit for your baby's heath while you were pregnant and nursing, you should maintain that Quit so you can be fully present for your developing child as you are raising him.  Post-partum depression, coupled with post adderall depression (you are still in your first year) is a double whammy so I can see why you are looking for some relief in the form of a familiar pill.  You have already got the hardest part of your adderall recovery behind you.  Perhaps you were not quite ready to quit when you became pregnant, but here you are, with almost a year off the drug.  Seize that opportunity for a better life.