Pen Pal or Advice Please :/

[Ruby 9]

Hi! Hoping to find someone around/at the same part of their journey as me. I took adderall IR for 4 years and stopped around the middle of August. I’m really struggling with anhedonia, poor cognitive functioning, lack of motivation, and increasing appetite/bloating. I’d really appreciate any advice as I’ve been off for almost 3 months  and missing my adderall self a lot.

[SleepyStupid 852]

13 hours ago, Ruby said:

I’d really appreciate any advice as I’ve been off for almost 3 months  and missing my adderall self a lot.

maybe you just need a reminder of why you chose to quit in the first place? surely there were great reasons at the time, but the shittiness of the early recovery process can easily block or mask them. you say that you miss your "Adderall self", but I think what you really miss is not feeling like shit. there is a better version of you waiting on the other side of this journey - you just need to constantly remind yourself of that (:

[Ruby 9]

That's a wonderful way to look at it. I don't necessarily miss my 'Adderall self,' I just don't want to feel how I feel now. It's hard to trust/believe that I will feel even better once I heal since I haven't experienced that 'healed' self. Thank you  

[GeorgiaRigby 5]

Hi Ruby!! First of all, that's incredible!!! I am so proud of you having been off this since August?!  That's so good.  I tried to "stop" a month ago and it was three days and I was happy with myself but then I got right back to taking it.  I have been on 70+ mgs (depending on each day I guess) for almost a decade !!  I have been feeling horrific for months and need to stop taking this drug.  I can't physically laugh when I am medicated, but the three days I was off I cried and sobbed for hours, (I cry every morning these days also,  oddly?). But, all I can say is maybe if we continue to come onto these boards and share and talk with each other, maybe that will help us... You are doing so well, so much further along than I am.  I am really thinking that I need to get on here more, even if it's just one little reply like I'm doing now to talk with you.  I wish I had more advice but I am sort of just here tonight deciding that I am going to keep coming back on here to hopefully meet you and others so we can help each other feel better.  Sending my love and a huge hug!!! 

[SleepyStupid 852]

14 hours ago, GeorgiaRigby said:

I wish I had more advice but I am sort of just here tonight deciding that I am going to keep coming back on here to hopefully meet you and others so we can help each other feel better.

yes! that is certainly the point of this place (:

14 hours ago, GeorgiaRigby said:

I have been feeling horrific for months and need to stop taking this drug.  I can't physically laugh when I am medicated, but the three days I was off I cried and sobbed for hours, (I cry every morning these days also,  oddly?)

nothing odd about this at all. I remember periods during my abuse (while on Adderall), where I couldn't suppress my tears. it felt like a version of me trapped inside the addict, and the only way that person could communicate was through tears. it wasn't until I ran out at the end of the month and crashed for a few days that I actually knew why I was crying. and of course once I filled my script, all that understanding would vanish. it was such a vicious cycle.

[Ruby 9]

On 11/24/2020 at 10:06 PM, GeorgiaRigby said:

Hi Ruby!! First of all, that's incredible!!! I am so proud of you having been off this since August?!  That's so good.  I tried to "stop" a month ago and it was three days and I was happy with myself but then I got right back to taking it.  I have been on 70+ mgs (depending on each day I guess) for almost a decade !!  I have been feeling horrific for months and need to stop taking this drug.  I can't physically laugh when I am medicated, but the three days I was off I cried and sobbed for hours, (I cry every morning these days also,  oddly?). But, all I can say is maybe if we continue to come onto these boards and share and talk with each other, maybe that will help us... You are doing so well, so much further along than I am.  I am really thinking that I need to get on here more, even if it's just one little reply like I'm doing now to talk with you.  I wish I had more advice but I am sort of just here tonight deciding that I am going to keep coming back on here to hopefully meet you and others so we can help each other feel better.  Sending my love and a huge hug!!! 

Thank you for your kind words! I really appreciate it. I never got up to 70 mg but I can't even imagine how hard that must be for you to come off of that dose.

Just from your message, you sound like such a kind and empathetic person. I recall that warmth being suppressed when I was on it as I was more irritable and had more black & white thinking. Hope that provides you with some motivation to continue  

[GeorgiaRigby 5]

@Ruby I am so glad I came back on here tonight.  I am feeling the lowest of lows in my life.  I didn't keep up with stopping the adder all and have been taking that dosage and more just to self sooth or whatever.  It makes me so sick... Gosh am I nauseous and crying so much.  I am so afraid every day how I feel.  So much is appearance related.  Body image or something so devastating that is so trivial in reality.  Gosh, your comment really did brighten my spirit. I think I might stop this from now on.  I don't know how to survive this way.  Sending love to you!! I'll try to keep coming back here.