8 months clean... things are good and yet, also sucky.

[Brit 55]

It's been a while since I've posted an update and now feels like a good time as things have started changing again and seeing a few more stages of growth. I am heading into 8 months off of adderall and things have been good and things have been bad at the same time. I have mostly closed myself off from all human contact these last few months as I got sick of feeling so different than I did before and that nagging feeling to take a pill to feel normal grew stronger. 

The good:

• I am still feeling things!
• Waking up is far easier than ever before
• The way I think and work hasn't changed (just my speed and quickness) -- but my brain still works!!
• I am getting my life back... little by little (emphasis on the little)

The bad:

• I still have depression (through Therapy discovering this has likely been lifelong)
• I feel purposeless and have 0 drive to take care of myself and my responsibilities, outside of my dog
• I literally do nothing outside of work and watch TV. Life is boring... but I also recognize it is nearly winter and a pandemic. 

Overall, I think my adderall usage the past 10 years was a way for me to continue living and building a life, while living, yet glossing over my depression and low self-worth. Now that this crutch is gone, it all has come crashing down and my binge eating is nearly out of control now too. Thankfully I started therapy about two months ago, and all of the things I tried to ignore or numb out, I can no longer.  While this shit is so hard, I am still thankful everyday that I am still living this journey and beginning a new way of living like I never have before. A life that means something and isn't full of random tasks and activities. I've had to relearn my relationships with my friends and now my family, and I'd be lying if I said this didn't totally suck. But I am grateful for this opportunity to change and grow closer to people who mean a lot to me, rather than just always being go go go and moving on the next thing.

Hope everyone is doing well!!

[speedracer 76]

Great report Brit. Thanks for checking in. Ironically, month 8 was easier for me than month 9. Its so non-linear. I want to encourage you to keep going. I am about to hit 17 months in 2 days. I am twice as good as I was at 8 months. The progress is real. I am sure I was masking some underlying depression too. I went through some tough losses and battles which took their toll and I think I was able to push through it all kind of numbed up on the go go juice. Crazy how normal and peaceful my life is today compared to 10 years ago. Thank you Lord. 

 

[Brit 55]

Happy 17th month!!! What an insane accomplishment. So encouraging to hear that the changes keep coming month over month and you’re feeling so at peace now.
 

I definitely want and need to stay more active here too, it brings a sense of community and understanding that no one in my life can relate to. And if month 9 happens to be harder, at least I can come here to talk about it!