LostMyMind

Sobriety and rocky relationship

3 posts in this topic

(10 year adderallic, currently 5 months sober)

My boyfriend and I have only been together 10 months, but he's certainly the reason I committed to sobriety. I tried to warn him that the withdrawal would be bad, but he said he was in it for the long haul. He has zero substance abuse experience/knowledge, and i've tried sharing articles with him from this site but no one could prepare either of us for the months ahead. 

I have good days and bad days, but it's really fucking hard to control my PAWS. I've been so depressed, and he's expressed how that makes HIM depressed. I'm resentful towards him for not being strong enough to talk me down from my depression spirals, and resentful towards him for making me worry about how i'm affecting him when i'm already so wrapped up in my own problems. 

I postponed my sobriety for so long because every attempt I made was clearly affecting people around me, so it just felt easier to keep up this cycle. 

Now that we're here, it's clearly affecting us both in such a negative way. I've kept my addiction a secret my whole life, so I don't have much of a support system outside of him. I recognize how this is too much to put on one person, so i'm in therapy which has helped a bit but i'm still feeling weird. I want this to work and am so grateful for him, but worry this isn't sustainable. Help

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I was married during my use and  getting clean. now that I’m almost two yrs in  things are better  in our relationship.

 

I will say it was worse In my mind,

than it was for him. I felt like he was going to leave me etc. The house was a mess. I was so depressed. I Faked it through work, only  to go home, ignore him, and sleep every night well into the first 6 -12months. He acts like now it wasn’t so bad- or “he hardly noticed me going through it. “ I don’t know if that’s a man thing ha (like he forgot idk! )
 

This is hard but it’s worth it. Maybe explain that the first yr is going to be pretty rough. Show him real examples from this site.

 

Probably, what he is researching (if he is researching) is main stream psychology/ rehab sites which claim people are better within 30- 90 days. In some ways we are then PAwS creeps in. 
 

30-90 days That is a fairytale . Also, that is  why they keep over prescribing in my opinion!  I guess my advice is

Keep moving forward you’re in the thick of it, and he needs to understand this is temporary. Don’t use his reaction as an excuse to get back on meds.  Anything to stay off the adderall is the goal period (at any cost). Also, take into  account anything he says is prob affecting you a lot more than he realizes.
 

He just misses you deep down and it’s hard for him to grasp, hope this helps! 

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Wow, you really are fighting the good fight. And hats off to your boyfriend for standing by your side. I spent a lot of time looking at my resentments in the first year. I learned in AA literature that we have a choice about our resentments. We can chose to let them go. I practiced doing that and boy things improved overnight. So many battles disappeared.  Besides AA's big book, another great book was Dr. Marshal Rosenberg's "Non-violent communications". Ever since I studied that book, and learned about "unmet" needs, I was able to navigate my love life. Its an amazing book and has amazing concepts. We all need to find ways or come up with strategies to get our basic needs met. When I put too much pressure on my wife to meet all my needs, its a disaster. Now when either of us get upset, we do our best to avoid being critical and start thinking about what needs are going unmet. Empathy? Nature? Nurture? Creativiity? Purpose? Its fun when we start getting some awareness about the subject. And find new ways to get those needs met. .God bless you on your journey. 5 months is huge...keep it up. ...

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