huge step back at over a year clean

[dolssa]

Hi guys... 

I quit adderall Nov 11, 2019. It was the longest year of my life. it got easier very slowly. at a year mark i was able to maintain some friendships, but i still lacked motivation and had no drive to accomplish anything. I started to feel discouraged when I hit the year mark when things didn't start getting better. I tried wellbutrin with no success. and i am ashamed to say that two weeks ago i filled an adderall script. i just turned 26 so i got a new doctor with my own insurance who didn't know that i told my other doctor to not give me adderall again. instead i asked her for some in deep despair to accomplish something at 26 years old. I really thought i couldn't live without it again after a year clean. (it hasn't been all bad, i enjoy being able to sleep and not having a racing mind) but still i got my hands on another script. it helps. i get out of bed, i have motivation, i have clarity, but deep in my brain, i know every time i pop one its a mistake. that i'll pay for it later. now two weeks taking 20mg and I'm sitting here sobbing writing this. im so mad at myself for taking this step back for temporary feelings of accomplishment. I just want to feel okay. i want to have energy without that devil little orange pill. is it possible?? i really don't know.

[SleepyStupid]

@dolssa

first of all, congrats on a year!! this relapse doesn't erase all the great work you've done, so don't beat yourself up over it.

it is very telling that that within 2 weeks of restarting Adderall, it's already a regretful, negative experience. unfortunately this won't stop the addict in your mind from rationalizing to stay alive. you need to listen to your heart on this on this one. listen to the version of you that's literally crying over this.

you've been on this forum long enough to know that people make HUGE progress throughout their 2nd and 3rd years. give yourself that time, don't worry about "accomplishing things". 26 is so young - you have SO MUCH TIME to accomplish things! but when you do, you want to know that it was YOU not the pill, right? (:

[EricP]

As SleepyStupid said congrats on your progress! It is completely normal after giving up a miserable year of your life to give in & try it again. With all the progress I have made I still have wandering thoughts on how it would feel to try "just one", not happening! But still the thought enters my head on some bad days. It's a difficult journey and I know you can get thru it. You haven't been back on it for that long so you should be able to get back to where in your healing process very soon. Keep doing healthy things when you can. Eat healthy hike, bike, workout even a simple walk. It might take everything in you to do it but you'll be glad you did... 

[dolssa]

Thank you for taking the time to respond to my post! @SleepyStupid and @EricP!

 

Without this forum i defiantly think this relapse wouldn't have been so temporary. I've decided not to go forward with the adderall. thanks again 

[dolssa]

welp... still havent been able to stop.. IM SO MAD AT MYSELF  

[DC011381]

@dolssa I can relate to everything you are going through.  At my 1 year clean mark, I still had 0 motivation and my executive functioning skills were nowhere to be found.  While things improved in year 2, it personally me two years to start to feel like I can accomplish things.  I am 40 years old with a wife and 2 small children and can say that after 2.5 years, I feel like I've made real progress.  More laughing, decreasing anadonhia, executive functioning returning to pre adderall levels - I am not superman but I can generally "adult" reasonably well.  It's worth sitting in the shit for another year - don't beat yourself up about doing nothing. Its worth it.  

[SleepyStupid]

45 minutes ago, DC011381 said:

More laughing, decreasing anadonhia, executive functioning returning to pre adderall levels - I am not superman but I can generally "adult" reasonably well.

"adulting" reasonably well is about the best anyone can hope for, much less addicts   great progress!!!! 

[SleepyStupid]

5 hours ago, dolssa said:

welp... still havent been able to stop.. IM SO MAD AT MYSELF  

being mad at yourself is a good sign!! anger is a great motivator - use it to get yourself back on track!

something to keep in mind is that when you quit again this time, the withdrawal won't be nearly as bad as it was last year. speaking from relapse experience myself, you'll still get the acute lethargy for a couple of weeks, but with the right mindset you'll be right back to where you left off on your recovery journey. it's not too late to just pick up where you left off (:

[dolssa]

9 hours ago, DC011381 said:

@dolssa I can relate to everything you are going through.  At my 1 year clean mark, I still had 0 motivation and my executive functioning skills were nowhere to be found.  While things improved in year 2, it personally me two years to start to feel like I can accomplish things.  I am 40 years old with a wife and 2 small children and can say that after 2.5 years, I feel like I've made real progress.  More laughing, decreasing anadonhia, executive functioning returning to pre adderall levels - I am not superman but I can generally "adult" reasonably well.  It's worth sitting in the shit for another year - don't beat yourself up about doing nothing. Its worth it.  

YES my executive functioning skills were zero so i talked myself into "needing" it and to help with ADD. which is both true but i know that life with add off adderall has to be better. thank you for responding your story is giving me hope!