17 Years old. My life is already over 500mg>/Day Binges

[bearman 8]

I take about 100-180 MG of Adderal/concerta/focacil/vyvance/ritalin EVERY day..I was prescribed 3 years ago freshman year by a doctor who now has me on 60mg/Day.

And It's destroying me. From the inside out. I don't feel the same. I'm losing my self, and becoming a robot. Im only 18 and now adderall has left me with an incredibly bad state of health. My nose bleeds constantly, I'm depressed, I now have anxiety which seems to have come out of nowhere. Panic attacks, I stop breathing. I lost way to much weight even though I was skinny enough. My face looks like I'm on Meth. I smoke about a pack a day because adderall Makes me need Nicotine. My heart rate is always extremely high. Ive binged on large amounts >300mg a day for about 5 days or so , until my body cant take the stress and I just collapse somewhere in my house.

Ive Snorted,INJECTED(once, but still, a very dangerous option) Mixed the drug with certain chemicals to increase potency. Smoked it (After Preforming complicated Extraction process to get the Amphetamines out)

Ive even used street amphetamines when I didn't have enough Adderall. one day I think, no matter how hard I can try, That I'm doomed to end up addicted to Meth or Cocaine,once it's actually available to me easily(I live in a place with little/no access to methamphetamine)

I'm too scared to get off. and I DONT WANT TO get off because i don't remember how life was with out my best friend Amphetamines. I'm anxious because I don't want the day I have to quit(about 2 weeks or so) to come..

I feel like I'd be easier to kill myself then to stop. I'm scared to let it go. I feel like I'll never be the same. When I stop taking it, I get bipolar, depressed, anxious, I shake, I get nauseous , Sometimes I vomit. my whole body is sore. Ill sleep all day and still be tired....And it lasts for weeks. And after thats gone, Comes the mental challenge. Where you become depressed and NOTHING will make you happy or normal like it used to for a long long time. and im not sure I can pull myself through that. Im not sure why but I dont think im strong enough to do it ...

somehow I dont wanna quit..Ive always been a happy person. Always well liked. Social.Funny. And Ive always found it easy to do anything I wanted. But Adderall Made it better.

My life isnt the same anymore...My Friends all beg me to get off, I feel like I lost all my emotions, I cant do anything and enjoy it without adderal,

I feel like Im already dead. But my body's still here....

but even after MULTIPLE painful psychosis episodes I dont want to quit..

After taking an insane amount (33 30mg XR's in 5 Days)and not sleeping, I fell into a psychosis. This has happened about 10 times. I hear voices in my head telling me to kill myself(which i would never ever consider normally), Hallucinations, Anxiety attacks where I stop breathing(Which i never had before) Fear that things are coming after me(People,police, the DEA, etc) The feeling of the whole world collapsing on me, Thinking that people are talking to me, etc.

Ive sat in my room for 6 hours with my bottle of adderal in a safe, thinking that people were coming to steal it.

Please help me reduce my fear of quitting. Why don't I want to? Before This kills me or psychosis pushes me to the brink of killing myself. I never wanted this to happen to me. I love life. I love everyone in my life. I don't know how this happened to me. I never thought it would. I never thought It was addictive. I never knew this would be the end result. No matter how much I know it's killing me, no matter how much I know its going to. I dont care. I dont wanna die, but I honestly don't seem to care if I drop dead. I guess I've already accepted my fate.

Who would have ever known that the doctors and their fucking pens would have caused this?

I didnt know how addictive it was. I actually used it Legitimately for a LONG time. But abused it for 3 years, and Im not sure what led to that. I guess ill never know,But thanks everyone in advance for the help.

[ashley6 1,163]

Bearman,

Your story makes me sad. It makes me hate the lies addiction legitimately makes you believe. I know it's scary. My opinion is you have to want to quit for it to work, and even then it's tough. It's definitely possible, though. I was taking about 100-120 mgs a day when I gave it up, after a period of being on it for over 5 years. It's a miserable place to be. The quitting process is not a walk in the park, but when you read back over the list of side effects this drug has given you, do you really believe it could get any worse? I'm 66 days clean, and I NEVER thought I could do it. I just got to a point where living the life on the drug was too tiring to maintain and was ruining my health, mentally and physically. I miss it often, but then I remember the dark places that awful drug has taken me--the depression, paranoia, anxiety that kept me from living life. You can, if you choose to, get off of these evil pills. I remember the gripping fear I had of, "How am I going to possibly going to live without adderall?!" The fear is what kept me using for a long time. I've discovered that most of those fears are unfounded. Most things that I thought would happen when I quit didn't happen at all. I'm just telling you, if I am doing this, anyone can. It was my best friend that turned on me with a vengeance. I hope you find the strength you need to give it up. Life on the other side of it IS worth living. It's still a work in progress for me, but the life I have now involves rational thinking, and it's not exacerbated by a very powerful stimulant. My advice to you is keep coming back to this site. It's amazing how much support you find here from people who truly get it. You are not alone!

-Ashley

[Greg 1,733]

Hey Bearman,

I was also on those insanely high dosages you described in your post and I was able to get clean and do alright so know its possible. I also bought a safe once to protect my adderall from getting stolen from invisible enemies...The things it makes us do.

You may be a mess right now, but trust me, as long as you quit this stuff youll be okay.

The suicidal thoughts are just thoughts, adderall addiction created thoughts, I felt them too when coming to grips with quitting, they'll pass as you begin to heal and settle into your post adderall life. I wouldnt expect to be very rational emotionally when coming to grips with the addiction. Thats all part of the healing process.

I agree with Ashley,

..at first it seems totally IMPOSSIBLE. but its not. A lot of us here have been able to do this.

..and coming back to this site has been instrumental to staying clean and adderall free. Finding people and getting support from those who understand the struggle of what you are going through is such a relief.

Hang in there! And keep posting. You got to really want this and to be very serious about this. And if you have that within you - you can do this.

[becksboy 1]

Check yourself into rehab if you can brother. You are an addict.

[Greg 1,733]

Also bearman, Any pill that can actually eventually cause someone to have thoughts of wanting to kill themselves if they cant be on it is totally f---- up. dont you think?Thats how sickeningly powerful this drug is and how much of a hold it can eventually have over a persons mind.You dont want to be on this anymore.

[bearman 8]

Thank you so much everybody.. I know I CAN quit , but I don't feel like I'm ready to quit. Even though I need too..But I want to also quit, then get perscibed something with less abuse potential (Concerta Used to work well for a while, tough to abuse without anyone noticing how many im taking out of the bottle, adderall can be split in half to be stealthy.) Is this possible? to respect and use it responsibly ,I feel like I can , if so what would be the best Rx to use?

[Greg 1,733]

That part of you that is telling yourself you can find another stimulant and use it responsibily is your addiction talking. If you take anything -- wellbutrin. Any of the stimulants, the dopamine reuptake inhibitors will be impossible for you to control at this point. Actually for me, concerta was even easier for me to abuse than adderall. (it doesnt matter if its concerta, ritalin or vyvanese or adderall..they are all basically the same thing) you must know deep down, as an addict, you either need to go to rehab or find a way to detox yourself...and get sane again.

[ashley6 1,163]

I agree with InRecovery completely. The whole issue here is having no control when it comes to stimulants. We don't have the ability/ "luxury" to take stimulants in moderation, or we wouldn't be here on this site, in my opinion. I wish you the very best and hope you find the strength you need!

[bearman 8]

Quit on Tuesday. Day 4 . Such a painful experience but I this time is the last time. Thank you everyone. Its important to remember unless You wanna be dependent on a capsule for the rest of your life you have to quit, and the longer you stall, the worse its gonna be . You feel so much different. But in a good way. Thanks for all the help everyone I hope I can do it !

[ashley6 1,163]

I wish you the best. You can do this!

[sunamisurfer 2]

Bearman,

If you're getting to the point where you're second guessing your decision to quit right now, maybe I can be a lesson for you..

I quit for a couple months, I had been feeling great, finally. After about a month things will start to come together again... friends, relationships, wanting to get out of the house, wanting to hit the beach, wanting to be anywhere but home, it's only natural. But you may need to push yourself a bit to get out and change your habitual isolation tactics that have become a part of your everyday life. Push yourself, get outside, meet people, focus on not being the same person you've been on adderall... because for me this was conflicting with the habits I had become accustomed to of isolating myself from the world when I knew the pills were running my day that day.

Well, anyway, I ended up filling my prescription yesterday..

Took 1 10mg little blue pill, which immediately turned into 2 and 3. All-in-all, I took 90mg yesterday, and of course, as we all know I'm sure, when you haven't taken the pills in a day or two the euphoria is high and the lows are LoW. Honestly, I don't know wtf happened. I promised myself I would take the prescribed dose...

I couldn't sleep last night, stayed up all night, I had work at 2:30pm today but had to get someone to cover my shift because I was feeling completely blitzed out-of-my-mind and tired and pissed that I couldn't sleep. So as of now I am drinking some wine to kill the buzz of the 4 pills I took today, and quitting again tomorrow. What the fuck was I thinking.

Oh yeah, and what exactly did I accomplish on these pills? You'd think you could create something truly awesome in 48 hours of no sleep. But I studied for a Summer school class that hasn't even started yet. LOL. Please... Don't be a dumbass like me. Get out and live your life bro.

Zach

[tinybuddha 38]

Zach, I can relate to this 100%. Especially, the part about forcing myself to not isolate and break that pattern. Unfortunately, also the relapse part almost identical to what you wrote. Keep us posted. Was quitting this time as difficult physically?

[bearman 8]

4 WEEKS CLEAN! and quitting smoking.. I never thought I could do this.. . . . Thanks everyone, there is hope for anyone to quit this shit. and do it soon.

[thumbsdfghjkl 2]

Bearman, how are you doing? I see you were 4 weeks clean a little over a week ago. That's a big accomplishment.

[finding freedom 3]

Hi bearman,

How are things going?

[bearman 8]

Still clean..50+ days but trying not to crack when school starts back up FUCK

[quit-once 1,652]

Are you still off the cigs too?

[unod1a 10]

Jesus christ man, i hope you get through it bro. I just flushed mine down the toilet.

What i realized is when you are in the early stages of quitting or deciding upon it, you get this urge to let go and thats when you should take the necessary steps to quit.

good luck man

You can do it man any one can do it.

[bearman 8]

6 months clean ! I did it. I still smoke, but much less. I do actually take vyvance/concerta/focalin once every month/blue moon to study but never went back to this! Thanks all

[sky 213]

nice success story.........!

[ashley6 1,163]

I'm very happy for your progress, and I'm definitely not trying to rain on your parade, but I think it's playing with fire taking other stimulants. I used to take Vyvanse when I couldn't get adderall, and it worked for me quite similar to adderall. They're all stimulants. This is not meant to be negative at all, I'm just curious on how you feel you're controlling the usage of those stimulants, when you abused adderall? It's a slippery slope, so be careful, but best wishes!

[FALCON 139]

Yoo bearman I have read your story from start to finish hey my brother what the fuck are you thinking .Wey the hell are you even playing around with the devil man look back did you forget the fucken pain stimulants inflected on you is your memory so forgetful you are a lucky young man and your parents are lucky all so that they haven’t barred you so far can you not see you have Ben blest my brother blest with another chance of living you are a addict even worse you are a junkie you where knocking on havens door you stopped breathing did you forget don’t be a stupid kid lay off the junk you know very well when you start up using junk it will jest escalate you cant control the erg to use you’re a junky stay off the shit you fool count your blessings bro.

I was so proud of your story in successes in tell your last post on the site. Where are you getting the shit from a stupid ass doctor or on the street STOP IT NOW. You said you love life well live it clean so you don’t die from your own hands .

Sorry for being so blunt It jest pisses me off to her that you are starting up again why did you even post that your using speed again jest for studying bull shit bro. You are on this web site because you are in trouble again am I right be honest with us you know we will support you Like our members supported you back in June. Kid Iv Ben around the block and in the hood. I also can read people very well so no bull shit be strait up with us bro do you need help we will try to help you with our support. All do respect brother please don’t have any hard feelings .

THE FALCON

[Greg 1,733]

bearman, congratulations! stop taking it once in a blue moon, dont ever even risk awakening that beast.

[Defunct 6]

4 WEEKS CLEAN! and quitting smoking.. I never thought I could do this.. . . . Thanks everyone, there is hope for anyone to quit this shit. and do it soon.

This is AMAZING. I quit 5 weeks ago and ended up in a mental hospital with crippling depression. Got out a week and a half ago. Today is a bad day. Your story gives me hope. Thank you, bearman, your life makes me want to live my own.