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Freedom's Wings

Who am I ?!?! 1 Month and counting...

8 posts in this topic

Im am glad to have found this site and to be a part of it. As of now my life feels like a complete mess, and I feel like a complete failure. Maybe 5 or 6 years ago I was prescribed adderall for adhd,which I'd been diagnosed with having as a child, around the age of 8. At that time I was prescribed ritalin and remained on it for a few years..until my mom says she began to notice side effects- mainly depression as I remember. I never knew what I was taking at that time,or honestly why I was taking it. I just knew I had to take it, so I did.

Fast forward many years later. I am now 25 or 26 y/o living on my own, successfully and have been off ritalin for many years now. Never knowing much about the substance in the first place,except that I didn't like it, I never really much felt affected by any residual effects from taking it during my early years. At this point in my life I was happy-go-lucky! great friends, good family and romantic relationship and I had even gotten on the right track as far as school was concerned. Without any extra help I was already pulling A's in college. But,something was missing...

It was then that I decided to see a therapist mainly for mildly simple matters just to keep my head on straight and work out a few kinks. During a particular visit, however, I happened to mention that I was diagnosed ADHD, and she asked, "Do you ever have trouble concentrating or focusing." To which I replied, "why yes I do!" This was the worst mistake of my entire life! I was then scheduled to see the "prescribing physician" to which I gave the same reply when poked for answers...and no sooner than 15mins and one meeting did I walk out of his office with a script for ADDERALL! The not so funny thing is I had mentioned to the Dr. that I had taken ritalin earlier in life and had absolutely NO interest in taking it! I told him I didn't like the effects. He replied, "That's no problem," and prescribed me Adderall! Not once had I gone to this Dr. or the therapist looking or asking for pills..they more or less hand-held me right into it. And although it is my responsibility to know what I am putting into my body, lets just say I trusted the Dr's, and without doing my research I dove head first into the most hellish nightmare I've ever to experience.

To be completely honest, I was just slightly naive, after telling the Dr. I didn't want ritalin, my understanding not knowing what it contained or ever having heard of adderall ever in my life, was almost to the degree that I was being prescribed something like a vitamin supplement. Like I said...I said I was naive.

For the first 2 and a half 3years things were going great...my life took on new meaning...not that It didnt have any, just that I became a BRAND new me over night, a transition that in my case that was so subtle.. I hadn't noticed or even considered the drug to be a part of this turnaround. I was just so focused, eager, ambitious more than ever, and the absolute life of the party! Then things began to change...for the worse..slowly but surely. I immediately believed that because I had become Soooo productive that my life had just grown more hectic, but I could handle it. And handle it I did until a series of unfortunate events started occurring ie.. Deaths of loved ones, personal health issues, relationship problems... you name it! During a brief moment of clarity it seemed my entire world had changed around me, and I had failed to even think to take notice! How the hell did this happen?! I grew desperate..and began having panic/anxiety attacks. Where did the years go?! My son was now four years older and last I remember he was in the 5th grade!

I was devastated! and Add to the matter a car accident I had suffered during an anxious moment that caused neck/shoulder problems and other health issues that would now be lasting, along with a failing/toxic relationship and me realizing I had withdrawn from the last few semesters of college and lost my financial support and... My life was totally in ruins! I began looking backwards in time for answers, wondering when it got this bad and where the hell I went wrong!? Also around this time I began to abuse. Although I had no clue what I was actually taking..by now my mind had made the "feel good" connection and I happily obliged. I had gone from taking 20mg once daily to 20mg xr twice daily to 30mg xr twice daily...all by Doc's orders at first. I've read many stories of doc's upping the dose any time an issue arises, as was the case with me. But I didn't stop there, my devastation and personal demons at this point led me too taking as many pills as would bay the depression and keep me from the retched act of actually having to feel or deal. At my "highest" point- pun intended, I probably took somewhere in the range of 250 to 300mg daily until they would run out. The only good thing is seeing as I had not set out to become an addict..I hadn't any addict "protocol", I didn't find any sideline places that I could re-up in-between scripts. Somehow I patiently waited until the next month give or take a few days as early as insurance would kick in and pay for another round....

So here I am. Today at 32 years of age I am rebuilding my life from what feels like scratch. Who am I anymore?! I haven't a clue. Still, I am one month clean and totally intend on staying that way! After researching over the past 6months and finally knowing/understanding what I had done and was doing to my body I have reached my breaking point. As of now I have just simply not gone to get my next refill and have begun seeing an addiction,...among other things therapist. Adderall thus far has left me insanely anxious, extremely depressed-taking wellbutrin, immediately overwhelmed, isolated,lackluster, regretful, grieving, ashamed, panicked, rapid heart-beat, loss of creativity, jumpy nerves, horrible digestion..and the list continues. With time I hope many If not all of these issues/symptoms can be resolved. For now It's One day at a time...which Is painstakingly horrifying and agonizing, which is why I am so sooooo grateful to have found this site, because I know I will overcome this, with time, patience, and a host of other positive things! but until then..just knowing I am not alone and that there are others that have been through this and/or are going through it as we speak, that are there and care, gives me great comfort. I have lost/detached myself from all of my friendships..due mostly to this situation, so as of now I rebuild.

Thank you for caring, keep hope alive!

Freedom's wings

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Freedom's Wings,

I want to first say congratulations for making this decision in your life. It's the hardest battle I've ever had to fight, but after 5 years on adderall, 2.5 years of ridiculous abuse, it was really the only option before I'd end up in a mental hospital or with serious heart issues. Isn't it crazy that even after knowing what it does to our bodies and souls, it's a mental tug-of-war to stay off of it. Addiction is an f-ed up thing, that I also NEVER thought I'd have an issue with. I completely identify with you on the years flying by on the pills, and then you stop, and then holy shit, who am I? It's scary, but we have to believe it's for a greater good: our future happiness and being present in our own lives. I don't have a lot of time right now to write, but I read your post, and I really wanted to tell you you have support here. I'm 67 days adderall-free, and I'm still dealing with rediscovering Ashley. I didn't have many good days for the first 30 days, but they're starting to happen. The bad ones haven't dissipated by any means, but they're less frequent. I hope you continue to come back to the site. L-tyrosine and reading to learn as much as I could on adderall addiction has really helped. We all hope you keep coming to this site. You'll find the support that you need here.

You seem like you really WANT this, and that's vital. I'm also taking it one day at a time....hang in there. You should feel so proud of yourself for making this life-changing decision....congrats and best wishes!

-Ashley

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Freedom's Wings,

I want to first say congratulations for making this decision in your life. It's the hardest battle I've ever had to fight, but after 5 years on adderall, 2.5 years of ridiculous abuse, it was really the only option before I'd end up in a mental hospital or with serious heart issues. Isn't it crazy that even after knowing what it does to our bodies and souls, it's a mental tug-of-war to stay off of it. Addiction is an f-ed up thing, that I also NEVER thought I'd have an issue with. I completely identify with you on the years flying by on the pills, and then you stop, and then holy shit, who am I? It's scary, but we have to believe it's for a greater good: our future happiness and being present in our own lives. I don't have a lot of time right now to write, but I read your post, and I really wanted to tell you you have support here. I'm 67 days adderall-free, and I'm still dealing with rediscovering Ashley. I didn't have many good days for the first 30 days, but they're starting to happen. The bad ones haven't dissipated by any means, but they're less frequent. I hope you continue to come back to the site. L-tyrosine and reading to learn as much as I could on adderall addiction has really helped. We all hope you keep coming to this site. You'll find the support that you need here.

You seem like you really WANT this, and that's vital. I'm also taking it one day at a time....hang in there. You should feel so proud of yourself for making this life-changing decision....congrats and best wishes!

-Ashley

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@ Ashley

Thank you so much Ashley for caring. Your response has conjured so many emotions inside of which I've been hiding for much too long. This is my true first attempt at moving forward and truly reaching out and honestly.. it's scary as hell! Yes, it is all way to crazy to find myself at this place in life. I, like you, could have never envisioned "this me" in a million years. Sure, I'd drink socially with friends. A few times I've even been fully loaded or totally shit-faced as some might say, but I've always been the so "high on life" anti-drug type that this experience leads me to wonder if fate has it's own plan.... I know deep down I am the true decider of my fate, but these times are so much more than challenging. Thank you a million times over for your support, just knowing others can relate is invaluable, I don't think you know how much it means. I will as well keep your recovery in my prayers. Congrats on 67 days free! Hell of an accomplishment.

Ps: I will be running out shortly to my nearest GNC to pick up some L-tyrosine.

Freedom's Wings

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Welcome to the other side of the "quitting fence"! I read your other posts and really glad to know you have 45 days clean. You are definitely not alone here.

One tip I have is to write a list of the benefits of quitting adderall like..

I am no longer CAPTIVATED by time wasting projects...

No longer freak out when I run out of pills too early

I am no longer paranoid

And keep referring back to your list when times get bad.

While on some days recovery is going to seem better than you expected, on other days its going to seem worse. That list will always come in handy during the bad times as a powerful reminder.

Congratulations. You should feel proud of yourself that you are no longer avoiding the reality of your circumstances and you are actually doing something about it, accepting it and facing it.

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Jambo,

@InRecovery!

Thank you for your words of encouragement and advice. I especially Like the "I am no longer Captivated by time wasting projects" part. -so true. Though each day is different, I am soo0o0o glad I found this sight, I feel like Im picking up momentum!! Pray for me.

F.Wings

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FW,

I'm not completely sober yet and not recovered yet so I can't give you same words of wisdom like others but I wanted to throw some encouragement your way.

I know what you mean when you say rebuilding your life from scratch because I feel the same in a lot of ways. I lived a lie for 6 years and now I just want to be a hermit and figure this all out.

But we're not starting from scratch. You clearly have the self-awareness to make this decision and come to this site and seek help and are asking questions. That's way far ahead of a lot of people out there. The re-shaping you will get from this experience will be valuable beyond anything you would have experienced otherwise. In a lot of ways, it's a privilege to go through such hell because it provides so much more depth and realness to our lives that no pharmaceutical or mind-altering substance ever could.

Keep posting and just keep fighting through this garbage.

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LB,

Very Profound. I never looked at it in that manner. Wow. That just gave me some extra gas to fight it out tomorrow, Thank you. Just reminding myself that I, not adderall, brought me here to this site, helps to remind me that I am still inside of me lurking, just waiting for the right time to resurface! I do greatly detest the whole hermit feeling, I used to be so outgoing. I hope that I do not always wish to run from society, but I totally get what you're saying. Thank you for the encouraging words. We will conquer this war!

Peace be with you, praying for your recovery.

Blessings,

F.Wings

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