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fight.this.

My Story of Addiction.

8 posts in this topic

I'm so grateful to have found this forum. It's made me realize that I'm not the only one dealing with the monstrosity that is adderall. I'm 22 years old and have been on these orange pills the majority of the past three or four years. Heck, I'm on one right now so I can study today. I need to get all of these feelings out that I've been holding inside for so long. I was first introduced to adderall towards the end of my senior year of high school by my now ex boyfriend. The first couple years were fantastic. I was getting straight A's for the first time in my life in college. I made the Deans List two semesters. Granted, my classes weren't calculus but for me, achieving these grades was a long shot from how I did in high school. I could sit down and read a whole chapter in my psychology book and actually retain the information. I could do three math assignments in a row and I would actually enjoy working through the problems. The euphoria I would get was amazing! I no longer had an appetite and had to basically force myself to eat because I would get painfully hungry. I was on the pills so often that I knew what foods I could get down easily and which ones to avoid. I lost some weight and was about 92 lbs for a while. I'm 4"11 so this wasn't too extreme. I would never go a whole day without any food. My portions were just very small and I'd eat maybe twice a day. I was skinny and I looked and felt great about my appearance. I became a health nut and had immense self control. When I was on them at first, I didn't sleep at night. I got maybe four hours of sleep if I was lucky and then I'd take another pill to get through the next day, or I'd sleep in until one o clock in the afternoon and take a gap day. It's crazy to think all the way back to when I first was introduced to the drug. It seems like so much has happened since then, yet at the same time, so little. It made work more bearable when I had a job. I was so productive and any time I wasn't, I felt like I needed to be doing something. My room was always sparkly clean and organized. I'd surf the internet for hours about areas that interested me, or sometimes I'd get into something that normally wouldn't keep my attention. My past boyfriend loved taking it and so did I. We'd have so many days where we would sit in his room with me studying or reading something and he would be doing his own thing. We were in the same room but were so absorbed on our own activities. It was never even an option for me to quit with him around because I'd just get envious that he was taking it and would want to take it myself. I spent many afternoons playing video games because I loved how efficient I was when high. I started using it for recreational use, not just for school.

The past year and a half, things have gone down hill. I became zombie like and irritable while on it and the high didn't last as long, or it didn't come at all. I started snapping at the stupidest things. I'd take more because I wanted that high and I knew I had grew a tolerance. I wasn't even in school this past year so I had no reason to still be on it. I barely worked at all and when I did, I always needed to be on it. Without adderall, work was painful. The hours would go so slow and all the while I'd be thinking, why the hell didn't I just take one? I knew I was addicted when I realized I couldn't do simple things anymore without popping a pill. I couldn't do my laundry, clean my room, go to work, go get gas, do any school, or even write a friend back without being on it. I wanted my life back. I wanted to be myself again. I still want that so desperately.

I just began taking them again after quitting them cold turkey for two and a half months. The reasons for my relapse? There's almost too many to count. During those two months, I felt tired much of the time. Now I'm at a point where I feel so lost but I want to fight this. I have NO motivation and don't want to do ANYTHING. My appetite is back full force and because I was so restrictive with my diet for years I now seem to be developing a binge eating disorder because I feel alone and emotionally unhappy so I'm using food to fill the void. I started running when I quit and am still trying to keep that up but there are just days where I can't. I feel I have no self-control or will anymore. I don't want to be on adderall. Those two and half months were difficult but I was becoming myself again. I was noticing the simple things in life and my creativity was coming back. But modern society and the future has me pressured. I'm taking two summer classes and I can't do them without adderall. I wish I could but it just requires so much discipline that I don't have. I'm scared I'll be on adderall the rest of my college years just because I can't focus or motivate myself without the amphetamines in my system. If I could just go back and never have taken that first pill.... It's changed me. Even now, when I'm on it, I'm not as motivated as I used to be and it takes a lot to sit down and begin studying. I'm just a pathetic mess. It's sad. I've been watching a lot of netflix and avoiding any stressful responsibilities while stuffing my face and then feeling guilty and ashamed...and then working out like mad to try to stay thin. I've gained seven pounds in the last three weeks or so and I only take adderall two or three times a week now when I need to do school and my dose is a lot smaller than what I used to take. I'm about to run out of my prescription and when I get a new one it's three months worth of pills. I don't want to get it filled but I can't fail my classes. I'm in such a dilemma. I want a decent future, a good job...one without adderall....but I feel to get there, I need to take it still because I'm honestly not able to make myself do things I need to. It's like society and its demands aren't allowing me to live a normal life. I keep telling myself that I'll only take it for school, but what if I revert back to taking it every day? I really don't think I would because I hate being on it. I really despise the way it makes me feel. The future scares the hell out of me and I only have an associates degree for liberal arts with no direction. I feel without adderall I'll never amount to anything. Life is too much to take. I cannot stand work or school. Everything I'm interested in I could never make a career out of. I'm at a breaking point. I want to be strong and be able to make myself do things on my own, but it's seriously almost impossible because my brain is completely rewired now. Sorry this is so terribly long. I just needed to vent.

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Fight. This,

Not long for words at the moment, but I wanted to wish you peace and progress and say just a few things.

First of all, just take a deep breath, not that shallow breath you've probably grown accustomed to taking while on adderall, where you literally almost forget to breathe because your so damned hyper-focused. Pause for a second, believe me I know it's hard, and Take a deeeeep breath. I would first like to let you know that you've come to the right place, and everyone on this site, give or take their own saga, knows all to well what you are going through. Personally I love liberal arts and although I am currently a business major, after obtaining a degree in Business, I would love to achieve a degree in liberal arts. As a matter of fact, I have already looked in to it, and Yes, I have read here and there that it is not a very applicable degree, then opposite of that, I have heard great success stories and how such a well diversified degree prepares you for the career of your choice.

What you may need to do at this point is some major reassessing...soul searching, If you will, and this indeed is a process that is not measured overnight. I am only almost 2months "drug" free for the grips of that horrible soul stealing monster, and It is a daily, hourly struggle, I am still lost! But, happy to once again be free from the shackles of adderall and of my own will, even if I don't have much, if any,of that will at the moment. Also, I have had to except that its either suffer the consequences of my actions, being well aware, or make the necessary changes to my life that will enable me a better, brighter future. I have chosen, being a student like you, to cut my course schedule down to 1 or 2 courses simply because I knew for myself the lifestyle I was living wasn't sustainable at the rate I was going and it was just a matter of time before I bottomed out completely,regardless.Either way.. Give it some thought. Prior to deciding to go to school part-time at the moment, I also took a couple semesters off, to just assess where my head was at and readjust my sails. If this is not an option for you you may ultimately have to decide which is more important your sanity, mental, physical, and spiritual health and your well being or your grades. I am confident I will recapture my spark, lighting in a bottle if you will, even though honestly I feel utterly like shit right now, even this feeling is better than being a slave to adderall.

Well I cant stay long, but I'd also like to add, there are many people on this site with a lot more clean time than I, that are very helpful with their stories and person to person motivation. So keep coming back, get linked in, and you will find moreso than not that your life is not over, and you are most definitely not alone...here, for all of our differences we are very much the same.

You can do it, Don't give up, and remember when you have reached your lowest...

at least...From the bottom, there's nowhere to go, but up!

F.Wings

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Holy smokes...this sounds exactly like how I feel on and about Adderall. That sums it up pretty well. Thanks for reaffirming in m mind what I already know...yet try to deny/ignore. But you can't ignore Adderall. I know that it is ALL I ever think about and it's my biggest stressor. I can't quit. My life sucks too much right now, but I have a feeling it's b/c the Adderall. Thanks again for sharing.

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F Wings,

You said it beautifully and nailed it. I'm having one of those bad days, and you reminded me why I'm doing this.

-Ashley

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Fight. This,

Not long for words at the moment, but I wanted to wish you peace and progress and say just a few things.

First of all, just take a deep breath, not that shallow breath you've probably grown accustomed to taking while on adderall, where you literally almost forget to breathe because your so damned hyper-focused. Pause for a second, believe me I know it's hard, and Take a deeeeep breath. I would first like to let you know that you've come to the right place, and everyone on this site, give or take their own saga, knows all to well what you are going through. Personally I love liberal arts and although I am currently a business major, after obtaining a degree in Business, I would love to achieve a degree in liberal arts. As a matter of fact, I have already looked in to it, and Yes, I have read here and there that it is not a very applicable degree, then opposite of that, I have heard great success stories and how such a well diversified degree prepares you for the career of your choice.

What you may need to do at this point is some major reassessing...soul searching, If you will, and this indeed is a process that is not measured overnight. I am only almost 2months "drug" free for the grips of that horrible soul stealing monster, and It is a daily, hourly struggle, I am still lost! But, happy to once again be free from the shackles of adderall and of my own will, even if I don't have much, if any,of that will at the moment. Also, I have had to except that its either suffer the consequences of my actions, being well aware, or make the necessary changes to my life that will enable me a better, brighter future. I have chosen, being a student like you, to cut my course schedule down to 1 or 2 courses simply because I knew for myself the lifestyle I was living wasn't sustainable at the rate I was going and it was just a matter of time before I bottomed out completely,regardless.Either way.. Give it some thought. Prior to deciding to go to school part-time at the moment, I also took a couple semesters off, to just assess where my head was at and readjust my sails. If this is not an option for you you may ultimately have to decide which is more important your sanity, mental, physical, and spiritual health and your well being or your grades. I am confident I will recapture my spark, lighting in a bottle if you will, even though honestly I feel utterly like shit right now, even this feeling is better than being a slave to adderall.

Well I cant stay long, but I'd also like to add, there are many people on this site with a lot more clean time than I, that are very helpful with their stories and person to person motivation. So keep coming back, get linked in, and you will find moreso than not that your life is not over, and you are most definitely not alone...here, for all of our differences we are very much the same.

You can do it, Don't give up, and remember when you have reached your lowest...

at least...From the bottom, there's nowhere to go, but up!

F.Wings

Thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement. It really means a lot. I felt very alone in quitting this drug but now not so much. My parents have no clue the seriousness of what I'm going through and the couple of friends I do have are always busy and they just wouldn't understand what's involved in all of this since they haven't been on adderall themselves. I definitely feel like this is the right place to be. It's day one without any adderall..and I threw the one pill I had left down the toilet last night. So, here I am, quitting for the second and last time. Taking a deep breathe really does help. I like liberal arts as well but I just have no clue at this juncture what to do with the rest of my life. I do need to do some soul searching. I just hope I find something that I really like to do and can do without wanting to pop another pill.

Two months drug free may not seem like a lot, but it is. You've taken the initial first leap to being the new sober you and that's an incredible feat. You should be proud of yourself. I don't even know you and I'm proud of you because I know what it takes and how trying it can be at times. Cutting your classes down is a wise decision. I honestly wish I didn't have any school to deal with right now but I have to start exercising my will at some point or I never will learn to put effort forth without the drug. I'd just crawl up in my room and waste away if I didn't begin working my discipline muscles in some way. I probably could take a few semesters off but I'm afraid if I do, I'll become nothing and do nothing. I know my grades aren't more important than me getting off adderall and being my true self again. Yesterday was honestly awful being on it. I sat down to try and meditate and couldn't shut off my thoughts. And my mind just would not shut up last night...it kept berating me and bringing up all these things in my life that are depressing and not real. I was very self hating last night and I couldn't turn off the switch because I was too hyped up on adderall to settle down. You will recapture your spark, and so will I. I'm sorry you feel like shit. It will get better. I can promise you that if you stay sober, in time, it will get better. You'll wake up one day in the future and feel like all is well again. Today is horrible, but not as bad as it would have been. I'm sober and I can at least take some solace in that.

It's just so tempting to want to go get my prescription filled because of school. I have an online test I need to take today and I'm procrastinating and stressing and feel as if I can't do it....that I can't focus properly. Who am I? I never used to be like this. I used to be able to grit my teeth and do things no problem. Now it's like pulling teeth to get me to do anything. It's reassuring to know that there are sober people here going through many of the same things and staying strong. Thank you so much again for taking the time out of your day to respond. Your last words are very right. It's always darkest before the dawn. I'm heading towards the light because I'm miserable in the dark. I will get better, I will stay sober. I'm sick of selling my soul.

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Holy smokes...this sounds exactly like how I feel on and about Adderall. That sums it up pretty well. Thanks for reaffirming in m mind what I already know...yet try to deny/ignore. But you can't ignore Adderall. I know that it is ALL I ever think about and it's my biggest stressor. I can't quit. My life sucks too much right now, but I have a feeling it's b/c the Adderall. Thanks again for sharing.

I don't know if you were referring to me or F. Wings but I'm sure we both said some things you can relate to. Glad I could make a bigger dent in your mind of what you're trying to run away from. You can't keep doing this to yourself. Deep down I'm sure you know it's the adderall that's making your life suck..you're in denial and you have to face up to it if you want anything to change and get better. I went through denial too because that's what the drug does to you...it's the disease trying to convince you that it isn't the problem...when really it's the source and root of everything doing you harm. It wants you to stay on it and it's sucking the life from you. You CAN quit. Don't ever even think that you can't. It IS possible. I was on it so long that I don't even really know who I am anymore and I want to know that person. Don't you want the real you back? My life sucks right now too. You're not the only one. It's in ruins. Complete shambles. But if I didn't quit now, I'd be on it the rest of my life. Do you really want to have to take amphetamines just to get by, even though you feel empty and unfulfilled inside while under its influence? You have a choice. Make the right one. The people on here are all dealing with very similar issues. We can all do this together. We can all get sober. Adderall is all I ever think about too. I'm tired of it. I don't want my life revolving around it. I don't want that for you. I wouldn't want that for anyone. Please just don't give up on yourself. Don't surrender or the drug wins and the real you that's inside trying to fight will eventually stop fighting and all that will be left is an empty shell. Don't let the drug control you. Don't let that spark inside you die. Kick the drug and let that spark resurface. Let yourself be you again.

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I just completed that online test and I'm so proud of myself that I actually DID it. I wasn't going to because I'm having such a hard time getting myself to do anything school oriented. I'm so relieved and glad it's done and that I forced myself to do it. I procrastinated all day though which bothers me. I can't wait until I'm done with all the withdrawal. I hope the adderall abuse didn't leave any lasting damage to my body or psych. I feel like my body will rebuild and rewire itself but that there might be some permanent damage to my mentality. I hope it all levels out and balances and I can finally start feeling normal again. One day at a time. I wanted to take a pill today JUST to take that twenty minute test online. I feel so pathetic when I think about it. I didn't of course, but the urge to was almost unbearable. Luckily I don't have any of it in the house. What bothers me too is that my focus was horrible. I had to reread the problems a bunch of times and scold myself to keep my attention. I know it was partly because I was being timed, but the other part was me not being used to doing tests without adderall. Even though I got an A, what bothers me most is how hard it was to go through with it and how scatterbrained I was while taking it.

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fight. this,

I just wanted to give you some encouragement. I am 6.5 months off Adderall and I now feel smarter and more focused than I did on Adderall. It took a long time to get to this point, and I still have some bad days month to month, but I feel almost recovered now from my 5 year addiction. For me, it helped to think of quitting solely as a biochemical problem, rather than an issue of willpower or 'mind over matter.' As in, your brain chemistry has been altered and it will physically take a long time to even out, while pushing yourself mentally or berating yourself only makes it harder and more frustrating. I focused on what I could control physically - diet, exercise, yoga, and massage. I could not control my focus, my motivation or my brain power, no matter how hard I tried. Trying to do mentally taxing things or 'get motivated' to do things with the same mentality I had on Adderall was a recipe for failure. If I had to do a project for work, I would wait until an hour before it was due and crap it out. The close deadline and time constraint would force me to get it done with a bare minimum of effort. There is a quote by the author/psychiatrist Gordon Livingston that goes something like, "We gain the most control when we relinquish the fantasy of total control." I think that is appropriate for quitting Adderall.

If you were smart and focused before Adderall (and it sounds like you were), you will be again. It will take many frustrating months, but you will feel good again - and by good I mean smart, focused, confident and competent! Adderall doesn't do any permanent damage, and the brain is plastic and will return to normal. In fact, I feel like I'm better than I was before Adderall, because I now have a deeper understanding of addiction, and I now have a better diet than I did before which is making a huge difference in my well being. Good luck and keep posting on how you are doing!

Cassie

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