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jessiem

124 days (4 + months) still miss addies

4 posts in this topic

Hey everyone. Well it's been slightly over 4 months since I took my last pill. Let me tell you, honestly, this sucks! Really! It does suck! I spent all of my twenties (ten years) on adderall and my life was defined by this chemical. Arrgh! Now, I am having to define what is normal for me. It sucks! I don't mean to be a pessimist, but I have to vent a little. Anyway, things have been very difficult over the past few months. I still have my family though. So, really what is difficult doesn't really matter. The hardest part of this journey was losing my productivity. I miss it, what can I say. Hopefully, the next few months will better! I will stay posted. (hopefully, the next post will be a bit more positive, sorry.)

Jess

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Jess,

Think about what you just said: You miss your productivity. Think about what type of person actually misses being productive so much that it pains them. I'll spoil the ending for you: A person that is capable of being a very serious contributor to society.

What you're going through right now in these first months isn't the loss of productivity, it's the loss of your old productivity. Over the course of the next months and years, if you choose to stay the course, your definition of what is productive will change (as you regain your ability to see the forest for the trees). It takes a while to re-seat your grounding and your priorities, but once you do you will be able to start working on being observably productive again.

In the end, you can attain an all-new kind of productivity: one that is more brutal, faster, more you, and is wrought in the service of your greatest dreams (vs. in service to the Adderall high). You will be working harder in many respects than you ever were on Adderall, and you will love it so much more (if you focus on pointing your life towards goals you care about).

It's the difference between completing 10 trivial tasks per day, and completing 4 trivial and 2 very meaningful tasks per day. Which would you rather?

Hang in there. Month 4 is no fun. Well, few months are fun. But the sooner you can find something that you can love doing even without pills, the better off you'll be.

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Jessie,

Wow, we are only one day apart in our clean time from adderall!! That's awesome! I feel the same way about the whole "non-productive" feelings you're having. I'm actually laying on my couch now dreading the thought of getting up to do chores and thinking about pushing them back towards the end of the day. However, I keep telling myself that all I have to do our the necessities at this point. It feels like I finally have a new understanding of how this whole doing chores things without adderall might feel (i hate them!), but this is normal. This is how most normal people feel too. Our normal (or what we considered normal for so long) is superman/woman. I feel like my powers were taken away and not I just have to retrain my brain to do all the same stuff again without adderall. I'm with you. It sucks! But eventually it will get easier the more time we spend normal/not high and today this is the only thought that keeps pushing me to get through another day at times.

Thanks for your post!

Erin

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Wow, I can't tell you how incredible it is to have found this site and to hear people who think exactly like I do...

Jesse,

I also spent my ENTIRE 20's on adderall and it really does suck. I also felt like my powers were taken away.I keep shaking my head thinking my entire adult life has been shaped on adderall. Now with regards to the direction in my life I feel lost. I keep wondering...Who am I now? how am I supposed to feel everyday?, what the heck do I do with myself without the adderall?? I also spend a lot of time thinking in my recovery thinking "hey, this is what normal people feel like". Getting used to this normal has been the biggest challenge of my life so far.

Mike, I can't thank you enough for what you wrote below. It was extremely motivating for me to read...and now I'm feeling a lot more focused about...where I should go from here. I guess it's going to be a lot about about attaining and getting my "new productivity" in gear!

What you're going through right now in these first months isn't the loss of productivity, it's the loss of your old productivity. Over the course of the next months and years, if you choose to stay the course, your definition of what is productive will change (as you regain your ability to see the forest for the trees). It takes a while to re-seat your grounding and your priorities, but once you do you will be able to start working on being observably productive again.

In the end, you can attain an all-new kind of productivity: one that is more brutal, faster, more you, and is wrought in the service of your greatest dreams (vs. in service to the Adderall high). You will be working harder in many respects than you ever were on Adderall, and you will love it so much more (if you focus on pointing your life towards goals you care about).

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