Kathleen Posted August 9, 2012 Report Share Posted August 9, 2012 I cannot believe I am about to post this with a visible picture of my face right next to it, but hear me out and I hope you see why amphetimine drugs are scary, distort reality and cause nothing more but pain in the end. I have been taking the 5-10MGs again after relapsing. You can read my original hell story...I don't think a lot of people understand in my ordinary life this addiction. I have people who support the recovery, but here in these forums, you guys understand the draw and the drive towards this drug. I have been going through a painful breakup, it's been intense because I am a very loving person and can't just dispose of pieces of my past, but long story short I have been in an unhealthy relationship. I always wondered what I could have done different, why I was cheated on. Everything was okay until I found out about the cheating last August--I thought I could move forward and forgive him, but I only felt broken and that it was my fault and I needed to keep trying to make things work. I couldn't let go. The night he cheated I was on well over 100 MGs of Adderall. I remember calling his phone over and over again because it was dead. He lied to me the next day about where he was and ever since then, when he doesn't answer I associate it with the cheating and feeling so afraid. I have felt abandoned, he has been driven crazy by my panic and ADD ways...it was all a receipt for destruction. Yesterday was rough for me, it was the 1 year of a family member committing suicide which affected the entire family. Last year at this time, I was strung out on Adderall that I never really thought or dealt or talked about the situation. It makes me feel extreme guilt. Yesterday I was feeling depressed, alone and began drinking Four Loko, about 20MGs of Adderall and pain med. I spoke with my ex about talking later on in the night and we exchanged a few texts. I felt as though he was anything but concerned and started asking a ton of questions. I started feeling paranoid, unaware of my surroundings,panicking and started calling my exboyfriend a lot(there went pride). He answered; irritated as all hell as I begged for him to just listen. After I talked in circles and he told me it was annoying...I continued on with crying, he hung up on me. I freaked out...I called him back and he started screaming telling me he just couldn't deal with me. I asked him why he didn't care. I begged for him to please just listen...he hung up on me again. I starred at the phone for 20 minutes after this happened. I know that I have driven him crazy. I don't think talking to him at this point will make anything "right". I sat in my car for hours feeling that awful Adderall buzz looking at pictures of my life and wondering how I could have ended up this fucked up and how I am so incapable of dealing with my thoughts, feelings, emotions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
highonlife Posted August 9, 2012 Report Share Posted August 9, 2012 So sorry for what you are going through. I will pray for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
highonlife Posted August 9, 2012 Report Share Posted August 9, 2012 Your boyfriend sounds like a real tool. Try to find someone in person that will listen to your feelings. Even if they can't relate, find someone who is willing to try and understand. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathleen Posted August 9, 2012 Author Report Share Posted August 9, 2012 Thank you, h.o.l...that means a lot. My "boyfriend" is my ex. I just spoke with him and I explained everything that I pretty much laid out earlier. I have been told by him that I am nothing but a "recovering junkie" and that my annoyance has angered him to a point that he does not care. I wanted so badly for things to end "smoothly"...as in discontinue talking on a good note("I have cared for you, we aren't right, and this is goobye" sort of thing), but I am now seeing that will never happen. I have to accept this in order to move forward. I also need to save any pride I have left. I'm still feeling extremely under the weather and hungover from last nights events... Even when at the bottom and everything is blurry, I know that I need to find myself, regenerate and take care of myself if I ever want a shot at a healthy relationship/life/existence. This is a prime example of playing in the fires of substance. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ashley6 Posted August 9, 2012 Report Share Posted August 9, 2012 Kathleen, Your post is so vivid and honest. I don't think you should be ashamed to write all of that, because this is what abusing these pills does to us. I kind of cringed reading the post because it reminded me so much of the way I was with my ex-boyfriend. He moved to Dallas, far away from me, and I kept putting off moving there like I was supposed to. We were together four years total, and I was a nut case the last year of it. I would constantly stalk his Facebook, check his phone, email.....crazy shit. He was not perfect, but he did love me. I drove him away. I was convinced, along with my family and friends, that when he ended up cheating on me, that he was solely to blame. He is now married to the girl who I suspected something was going on with. It took me a year to realize that, he was wrong for cheating, but the drugs made me barely able to tolerate myself. We broke up, and we never spoke for another year and a half....not once. I decided to call him almost 2 years later and come clean, because I felt like it was something I needed to do to get healthy. It helped, I'm not saying your ex is a good person, and you aren't right to really dislike him. He might be a huge tool, but it sounds like you have a better chance of being clean without him. I pray that you find the strength to pull away from him and the pills as soon as you can. I love this quote I saw on here somewhere: "Even when it hurts like hell, hold fast, the pain is the arrow coming out, not the arrow going in." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tinybuddha Posted August 9, 2012 Report Share Posted August 9, 2012 Your not alone! You inspire me with your bravery in writing that post. When I have more time and courage I will share my story about relationships and adderall. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathleen Posted August 10, 2012 Author Report Share Posted August 10, 2012 adderall(or any drugs) based relationships=shallow 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
highonlife Posted August 10, 2012 Report Share Posted August 10, 2012 Hang in there Kathleen. You are strong and will come out of this even stronger. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathleen Posted August 10, 2012 Author Report Share Posted August 10, 2012 Thanks guys... I am feeling slightly better today--now that I'm "clear"...yesterday I felt cracked out, hungover, dead...I went home after work, took a shower and sat and read these forums, opened up a book I bought "Is it love, or is it addiction?"(if you've ever been in an abusive relationship- please read this),listened to calming music (specifically "In Rainbows"--Radiohead), made myself eat...and what did I come up with? Well, I slept for 8 hours and I want Adderall and the ex gone for good. The cycle is viscous and I'm tired of it. I emotionally cannot handle substance or tainted love right now...or ever. My nature with those two things, like all people...is to swirl down the downward spiral...except throw the endless drugs and abusive relationship and you have the downward spiral going up, down and sideways shaking the hell out of my sanity. I took 5mgs today because I'm doing ween off process. Still heartbroken, but I'd rather feel it now. I'm seeing two of my very bestfriends tonight and I'm looking forward to it. They've never tried Adderall, but they understand my pain and care about me. It gives me peace of mind.. Thank you guys again...the replies and msgs have made me feel not so alone during this time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathleen Posted August 13, 2012 Author Report Share Posted August 13, 2012 Day 2 no Adderall. Ughhhhhh Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ashley6 Posted August 13, 2012 Report Share Posted August 13, 2012 YOU CAN DO THIS Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Freedom's Wings Posted August 14, 2012 Report Share Posted August 14, 2012 Kathleen, Don't I know the feeling all to well. Adderall makes pain feel 10x worse, add that to the feeling that no one truly and honestly could give a smooth fart and you feel 20x worst...all emotions then only further intensified by adderall and its effects ie guilt, shame etc. Its a vicious cycle. Hang in there! While in the deepest clutches dealing with the madness of this drug, I went thru a horribly awful break-up that I still emotionally and mentally struggle with. I felt nearly dead and wanted to die. And although I am farrrr from in the clear some time has passed since then and I realize how toxic that ENTIRE period of my life had become. I was a mess and everything I came into contact with was and would be a complete and total mess. You are strong and will overcome this. When no one else gives a rats arse remember we are unique bunch of creative individuals and we indeed have each other when no one else "gets it" or they have grown past the point of caring to. We care and you are worth it. I'll keep you and your recovery in my prayers. Blessingz FW Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Edie Posted August 15, 2012 Report Share Posted August 15, 2012 How are you doing Kathleen? Take it from an old fart like me with ex's....they are ex's for a reason.... A true loving relationship makes you want to be your best. Now, that being said, people change and experience life in all its possibilities and pain differently. So your best may not be the best all the time and that is ok. I met my husband in high school (just friends) and we married ten years later after almost marrying other people. People love our story because it sounds like a fairy tale...We have had a hard time, kids, house, cars, job loss, fights, etc....,but what has always remained is that we are friends. Sometimes the love isn't there, but it's the" like", respect, and giving that person space to grow and learn that gets you through. You say you wanted to end things smoothly with your ex ("ex tool")...I am not sure that you will get that ending. I think it ended long ago, but you are holding on to what you had together...(please correct me if I am wrong). Maybe you have never been on your own, without a man...even for a short time???? I always thought that if I met the right man and had a family, that I would be happy. NOPE, I never healed the inner pain I had pushed aside and it almost ruined me. I was able to hide the pain for many years, until it caught up with me. Take time to get to know who you are, yes it is scary to face the bad things, but aren't the bad things easier to believe at times?? I think so. We have all landed on adderall's door step for some reason, trauma that we have not dealt with is what I believe. My advice to you is to loose the ex's info, get away from him in cyberspace, and spend time on you. I say this (well, type this) with kindness...don't make the mistake I did and try to figure out who you are when you are married and raising kids....OMG the guilt is painful, so painful. I wake up every day and choose to love my husband, my girls, my family, job....I can spend all damn day in negative city....I choose not to and that makes the addiction feel further and further away... Your posts moved me, so I wanted to respond, and I hope I am not being to preachy, but I am concerned about you. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Freedom's Wings Posted August 15, 2012 Report Share Posted August 15, 2012 Edie, Your post hits home for me. Finding or attempting to find yourself while in and/or feeling obligated to a relationship is the creeps. I am sort of in the same boat...not married however. My partner seems to be understanding at this juncture, but how long does patience take to wear thin is a daily nattering rumbling thru the back of my brain. Hope it all works out for the best for you and I. My belief is that the heart has a mind of its own, and it will only let you lie but for so long...so in the end things will be as they were meant, and thus will ultimately look up in either direction, but, dealing with the guilt and shame of those ramifications however is another hill to climb. Touche' I suppose. FW 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gonzo Posted August 26, 2012 Report Share Posted August 26, 2012 I was fortunate enough to have an angel of a girlfriend the first time I quit adderall (and consequently descended into severe alcohol and dissociative abuse). Needless to say, we broke up very shortly following, but she let me down *easy* and supported me as a friend for a long time following. I didn't even know what was going on at the time. I feel guilty for being such a burden but we're still good friends and have both since moved on to other relationships. Unfortunately, I (momentarily!) relapsed on adderall and screwed those up too. =/ Most recently, we're talking, like, 6+ months with very infrequent adderall, a few awesome dates sans-adderall, then an awesome evening totally fucked up once I was given some from a friend at the club (I don't blame him at all; my decision to ingest). I turned into a horny, delusional, sex-focused, self-centered bastard and that wasn't how I felt about this woman at all... I've been adderall-free for weeks since, but I haven't even called her after that night because I just feel so guilty and weird for acting so completely out of character & I'm sure I freaked her out. This might not be the most encouraging story, but it is honest! Something that I find very difficult to be on adderall. I wish you the best of luck Kathleen. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brandy76 Posted December 20, 2012 Report Share Posted December 20, 2012 Wow ur story is how I found this site googling breakups and and adderall. I had same experience as u but still feel like I had to old on, and try to right things. But in the process of me trying to do this so called right I tormented my ex so bad and he was the only one who knew I was doing it. He made me realize I need to search for info on this cuz he says once I started it ibecame a different person and angrier after only 8 months of use Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brandy76 Posted December 20, 2012 Report Share Posted December 20, 2012 What hit home was him saying "it's been 3 months since we broke up, when are you going to stop harrassing me". I never thought I would hold onto him so tightly after only dating for a year and a half Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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