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unod1a

I will find myself again

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I don’t remember the exact date but in the fall of 2010, i had a communications project to finish at Northern Virginia Community College. For some weird reason, i tried looking for adderall because i was too lazy to do the work just like normal people, i felt a need to take a short cut, and the short cuts i have been taking for the last two years have ruined me. I wish i never took those two pills but there is nothing i can do about it now.

I wish i could be my old self again, all i do is put on a show for people and my dwindling circle of friends. I hate who i am when i am off that medicine and i feel like a worthless pile of shit. I don’t know how i let myself sink this low and i can’t believe it took me this long to notice. I would never do anything to harm myself, but i questioned my self worth for the first time on August 16th 2012 at 5:49 exactly. And so i have decided to make a change. I will stop living these lies that have clouded me for the past 24 months, i will start doing things not to please others, but things that will make me happy. Writing this stuff down is the only way i can get it all out without having to tell someone without having to sugar coat shit or having to lie to protect some sort of reputation that i can’t even understand myself at this point.

This last week has been terrible, i was off adderall for huge chunks of this summer but i caved in, i caved in and started taking it again but for some reason, i started falling into deep depressions and i knew it was the adderall but it wasn’t for the things that have been happening daily, it was for the lies and bull shit i have made myself out of for the last two years. I took 50 milligrams of adderall xr on August 15th and that is the last time i will ever swallow that shit. I have 81 pills of 10 mg xr seven feet away and that shit calls you. But i will flush it down the toilet starting today. 3 pills will be flushed, i will flush more and more every day until i empty my last bottle.

Day 2 without taking it has been meh, i cried and i am not ashamed to admit it. This depression hits you out of nowhere and there is no way of explaining it but then your mood changes completely. I hope to regain the old me back no matter the cost.

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I did it. The first step is completed. I flushed the rest of these devil pills down the toilet.

I await the shit feeling to kick in soon but i know i did it.

I will find myself again.

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I just want to say good for you. It's not easy, and it really is like trying to find yourself again. I'm still working on it every single day because I spent over half of my 20s on this drug. People say they have no regrets in life, but I have one and that's taking my first adderall. I wish you the best on this journey. There's light at the end of the tunnel :)

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Yea i know what you mean!! I consider myself lucky because i started realizing i had an addiction and i would refer to myself as a "controlled addict". But i guess i just did it to keep the potency up. Any ways it is day 4 and i feel good right now. I feel like without taking it, you have to make sure you are doing something instead of sitting around. Most of my friends went back to college and i go to school nearby so it is tough to try and find activities to do but i know it is for the better. I feel the fogginess leaving my mind and knowing the devil is not near my closes feels even better. Thank you for the reply btw and Good luck

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It is a double-edged deal at your stage of quitting. You are right to want be doing something instead of sitting around thinking about adderall. But at four days, the motivation to get off your ass is pretty low so you will end up sitting around alot anyway. I took up a new hobby that included some moderate exercise right after I quit and it really helped.

You will regain "the old me" if you stay off this shit (and all other stimulant drugs). You only took it for two years so your recovery period should be relatively short compared to those of us around here who used it for many many years.

Congratulations on The Flush and welcome to this cool web site/forum.

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Four days off the devil pill and damn it is fucking terrible. Today was better but this depression is killing me. I have started realizing i neglected so many people and now that i don't take this shit, i can't just sit around and do nothing. I used to be outgoing but now i am just trying to get back my life but it's hard. I look through my phone and there are so many people i used to chill with that i forgot about. I know this is going to sound odd but i went through my facebook timeline and i cut off talking to literally 60% of my friends. I hate this shit and feeling like this. i had started drinking when i was off adderall to sort of numb the pain but i know i can't do that no matter the urge.

And by the way, exercising does help, i have tried not to just sit here and it has helped but it is a struggle.

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