Jack

Something needs to change. today.

6 posts in this topic

Hey guys,

My life has been spinning out of control for a while now, without me even knowing it. I've been taking adderall for probably close to 10 years, although I'm not sure exactly. This is mostly because in my younger years, I was a very hyperactive troublemaker, and was on quite a few different medications as a teenager. Initially, I didn't really take the adderall, I would just sell it to friends; but somewhere down the road, I started taking my daily full prescribed dosage(60mg XR), and even surpassing that.

I think it hit me that I have a problem when I went to Paris for a summer job opportunity in june/july... a single day didn't go past in which I took any less than 80. I'm chain smoking like crazy, and feel like my skin has aged a decade in the past year (please tell me that is something that can be remedied...).

In the past, I've always ridden the roller coaster- binge and dive- but as time goes on, I'm getting crazier and crazier with it. Ultimate horror story: one time, to get something important done on a strict deadline, I took probably 300 mg in 24 hours. I was pacing around like a lunatic, sweating and chain smoking.

So it's clear that I have to stop this, the person I want to be is someone who can accomplish what is necessary WITHOUT adderall. However, I do have extreme concerns. I'm still a student in college, going for Music Composition("classical" music), and my semester starts soon. I feel like it could be a stupid idea to quit now, or just a set up for failure. There is ALOT of pressure to succeed this year, because my graduate school auditions will be next fall, etc.

Also, I think it should be known that I probably haven't written any music without the use of adderall in a VERY long time(if ever, possibly). Frankly, it scares me alot, but at the same time, I feel like I've been running in circles for years. Maybe this is what I need to do with my life... either way, let me know what you all think; I'll probably need some sort of support, because I've been pushing everyone who cares about me away for the past year.

Thanks alot.

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The thing you have going for you right now is youth. Take it from an old fart like me, you don't want your addictions (adderall, nicotine) to follow you as you get older and they will, trust me on that.

I know your education is very important and your music program is probably competitive and you have to be in that mindset. However, all the posts I have come accross on this site that talk about creativity everyone has the same message...it killed their ability to draw, write, play/write music,,,etc.. What will keep you from taking another 300 mg again? Nothing, since you have already done it and survived...right? Most addicts have to hit a bottom before they can really see that they will either die or seriously compromise their health before they stop for good. Maybe you can avoid the rock bottom by reducing your classes this fall or take a semester off to get counseling, go to NA, write music to get in touch with that creativity you obviously have.

I am just an old fart with addictions and behaviors I have etiher ignored or moved past them so far in my life. However, I have yet to seriously commit to a program of recovery (I need to get back into AA/NA--like now) and relinquish control of my life and have faith that there is another way to live fully without chemicals I have been diagnosed with clinical depression, ADD, post partum depression, insomnia, migraines, and anxiety in the last 10 years, not all at once, but they are adding up. I know what needs to be done, but for some reason I have this distorted view of myself, that I am not worthy of a happy life that does not have drugs and alcohol in it. All it is is fear and a messed up childhood that fostered these beliefs.

I am married with two children and I am an RN. I have the opportunity to live a great life, have a long lasting career, and to watch my girls grow up. Yet, the damn pills, low self worth, fear, anger, depression win most of the time and I let it happen because dulling the pain is my habit, my crutch, my addicted brain.

School, a career, can wait...but life goes right on moving and flies by. You deserve to be successful and happy and not look back and regret wasting time.

Good luck to you...post updates

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Thanks for the post, Edie! Just finished day 2 and still going strong. I was attempting to quit cigarettes at the same time, but decided to put that off until I can function with adderall. That's the kind of mentality I have: do everything at once; 100% or nothing... that was always my mentality- even prior to my dabbling with amphetamines. Regardless, I'm going to crush this reliance on something to accomplish what's necessary.

Quick question: when you said "... all the posts I have come accross on this site that talk about creativity everyone has the same message...it killed their ability to draw, write, play/write music...", did you mean that adderall killed creativity? Or quitting adderall killed their creativity?

I'll try to overcome it either way, but it would be good to know what I'm in for. At this point, rolling out of bed and getting in the shower requires an immense impetus of effort, let alone working on a symphony movement.

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Jack,

I also tried to go off adderall and cigs together. Couldn't do it. But within six weeks of quitting adderall, I also kicked the cigs. I used Chantix but it wasn't pleasant. I think it is better to get off ALL of the stimulants, including nicotine. They feed each other. I still consume a lot of caffeine but I don't think there is a down side to coffee, tea and red bull.

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I'll quit cigs eventually, probably with the patch, because it worked for me once in the past. The thing that dragged me back to smoking was actually adderall; it was 10 times as challenging to not smoke when I was juked up on the pills.

So far, I haven't taken a pill for 6 days. I have no energy or focus to work on the things I need to. When will I be able to?

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Recovery is a gradual process with many ups and downs. The good news is that you have the worst of it behind you - I mean the disabling physical exhaustion that lasts for 3-4 days after you cease intaking pills. For me, it was about ten weeks before the mental fog cleared up and that is about when the ability to focus and the motivation to do some of the things that I really needed to get done came back. Ten long weeks and now it is all just a blurry memory. So, I have had improving cognition, motivation and productivity for over a year now, and it sure feels good.

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